Not even Clark W. Griswold could salvage this mess. Not all the Jello mold in the world could help you digest that steaming, dry, dead carcass Chip Kelly served you yesterday. We put it in too early. After watching two preseason drives. We put it in too early. We expected a Super Bowl. And when you count on the playoffs as part of your fan experience, well, what the Eagles have done just plain…
Thank you, Russ. We put it in too early… and the Birds came out stale, dry, and wretched. But at least they’re undeniably dead.
I don’t have the time nor the inclination to recap this utter shit other than to say that that was easily the most piss-poor, saddest excuse for professional football this city has ever seen. The Eagles gave up, again. They lack talent. Some of that is due to injury and circumstance. Some of that is on Chip Kelly and Howie Roseman. They lack effort. Some of that is on the coach. Some of it is on hapless millionaires DeMarco Murray and Byron Maxwell, who set the tone and play with about as much heart as a pile of dead leaves. They don’t execute, and the team is encased in stubbornness the likes of which this league has never seen. All of that is on Chip Kelly and Billy Davis. The tackling sucks. The linebackers suck. The defensive backs always have an excuse. The offensive line has no pride. DeMarco Murray is gutless. DeMarco Murray plays like he doesn’t want to get hurt. So does Byron Maxwell. Where is Darren Sproles? Are DeMarco Murray and Miles Austin Jerry Jones plants, sent here to destroy the Eagles from the inside-out (I actually entertained this idea for a good 10 minutes yesterday watching Murray stumble on his first two runs and Austin actively move away from a pass thrown in his direction)? Riley Cooper blows, and he’s a racist. Mark Sanchez is ridiculously bad. Sam Bradford is so dumb that he wore a beanie in a fucking dome. Why doesn’t Kenjon Barner play? Why does Chip Kelly delegate the running game’s personnel decisions to Duce Staley? Why doesn’t Chip Kelly have more than six plays in his playbook? How fucking stupid does Billy Davis have to be to put a rookie on the most physically dominant receiver in football, with the ENTIRETY OF THE NATION AND PROBABLY THE PRESIDENT WATCHING ON THANKSGIVING DAY, thus killing his confidence? How does that idiotic fuck Lane Johnson get a penalty on the first drive of the game and put the Eagles out of field goal range, which is really only 42 yards to begin with? Are we sure Kiko Alonso didn’t sneak out of the hospital he belongs in? Why does Dennis Kelly look like a lesbian? Why does he turn his back on pass rushers? Why do defensive backs give 12 yards cushion on second and short? Why do they have a defensive awareness rating of six? WHY IS THIS TEAM ON MY SCREEN? WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS THROWING SCREEN PASSES WHEN THE SCREEN PASSES DON’T WORK?! WHY IS DEMARCO MURRAY A MOTHERFUCKER?!?!?!?! WHY DO THE EAGLES SUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!
I can’t even. Here’s some Tweets and shit:
— Paul Gagliardi (@PaulGagliardi36) November 26, 2015
— Jeopardy! Sports (@JeopardySports) November 26, 2015
— Dave Griffin (@davefudge) November 26, 2015
Happy Thanksgiving pic.twitter.com/yDgLICMviN
— SB Nation GIF (@SBNationGIF) November 26, 2015
— 𝔹𝕣𝕪𝕒𝕟 (@Bryzmangous) November 26, 2015
We’re gonna find out they were throwing games pic.twitter.com/QI1WuvUeNm
— Kyle Scott (@CrossingBroad) November 26, 2015
This has been a real treat. A struggling defense that can't get off the field & an offense that can't move the ball pic.twitter.com/YZQbvnTXyN
— Colleen Wolfe (@ColleenWolfe) November 26, 2015
— Jeff Skversky 6abc (@JeffSkversky) November 26, 2015
This is 1st time Eagles have lost back to back games by 28+ points since 1971
— Katie Sharp (@ktsharp) November 26, 2015
Philadelphia Eagles have been outscored 100-27 over their last 9+ quarters. By the Dolphins, Lions and Bucs. #thankschipkelly
— Nate Silver (@NateSilver538) November 26, 2015
The Phillies have the highest winning percentage of 2015 of our 4 teams right now. Think about that. #EaglesTalk
— Jillian Mele (@jillianmele) November 26, 2015
Eagles have given up 90 points in less than 99 hours.
— ProFootballTalk (@ProFootballTalk) November 26, 2015
— Charlie Flowe (@DjFlowe) November 26, 2015
Lane Johnson on fan frustration: “Bring it on. We deserve it now. Any time you put a performance like that, keep it coming.”
— Zach Berman (@ZBerm) November 26, 2015
— Brian Dawkins (@BrianDawkins) November 26, 2015
I’m hesitant to single out one guy after a loss like this, but it is just impossible to watch DeMarco Murray play football (more on Murray here). This franchise has such a proud history of running backs. Just in the last 20 years, we’ve seen Ricky Watters, Duce Staley, Correll Buckhalter, Brian Westbrook and LeSean McCoy come through Philly and run the ball with the hard-nosed mentality of a defensive player. I don’t know how Murray led the NFL in rushing last year. I guess that monstrous offensive line had a lot to do with it. But Murray just doesn’t even compete out there. He plays football like he doesn’t want to be playing football. Murray had another brutal performance Thursday, carrying 14 times for 30 yards for 2.1 yards per carry. I saw some life out of Kenjon Barner, who ran seven times for 30 yards late in the game. It’s time to sit Murray down and let him watch. I don’t care how much money he’s making. Enough.