Buffalo Wild Wings Unveils Coagulated Wing Sauce To See If Middle America Is Really That Stupid

Press release:

To celebrate the Buffalo Wild Wings Citrus Bowl, Buffalo Wild Wings partnered with Mountain Dew to create a limited time only sauce – Zesty Citrus. Available in restaurants from December 14, 2015 throughJanuary 2, 2016, the bold citrus flavor of Mountain Dew was infused with lemongrass and spicy red pepper-flakes to create a blast of sweet and spicy that will leave Guests asking for more.

That is fucking disgusting.

Buffalo Wild Wings needs to be removed from the planet. They’re out of control. Mountain Dew? Really? You can’t put Mountain Dew in fake-ass wing paste (it’s not sauce, it’s paste that comes in a plasticular tube). Mountain Dew is not anything. It’s sugar and water. The water cooks off, so you’re left with sugar. ERGO, a better way to list the ingredients would be: SUGAR, artificial citrus flavor, ginger, and salt. But no, BWW is the king of branding and the unwashed gremlins of Middle America will eat this up like it’s going out of style. Ouuuuuuuuuuuuuie! This sauce is the tits! Someone get me dat dang old orrrvertime button and keep ‘erm comin’! I ain’t got health insurance, but I sure as hell got a bothersome ulcer that can only be cured by poppin’ a few of dem Prilosec OTCs! Ouuuuuuuuuuuuuie.

BWW should offer Prilosec as a starter. And then they should punch you in the face for dessert. Because that’s the fate you deserve if you order this food lab hemorrhage.

The New York Daily News tried the sauce and confirmed the nastiness:

“The Mountain Dew gives it a thick sweetness like those candied fake fruit slices. They’re just too sweet. There’s a bit of spiciness, but it tastes like it came out of a factory, not an actual pepper,” said one reporter.

No shit! Because dumping soda in anything involved with heat will gum it up with sugar paste, like if you spilled a BIG GULP between your car seats and left the car in the hot sun all day. It’s just gonna dry up and leave everything so sticky that your friends will think you killed Willy Wonka, drove his body out of the great town and tossed it a chocolaty river somewhere. In fact, that might be the best way to describe this wing paste: Willy Wonka’s High Fructose Blood. There’s a branding opportunity.

H/T to countless readers who sent me this

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18 Responses

  1. Sugar base wing sauce is nothing new.
    BBQ Sauce is mostly sugar, same with sweet chili – along with many others.

    You just hate BWW. They could give you a bag of money and you would complain it was too heavy.

  2. I ve been on vacation all this week. All I have been doing is smoking bowls and playing with my dog (vizsla) and listening to music. Kyle, am I being productive?

  3. anyone that eats at a chain like Buffalo Wild Wings, etc doesn’t know anything about food and only about cramming “food” (I used the term very loosely) down their pie-hole. get educated people. you’d honestly do just about the same going to target’s frozen food aisle and microwaving it yourself. you’d save money too if that’s your prime concern/reason you eat at these places.

  4. I thoroughly enjoyed this entire article. I wonder if the person photographing that box of recently frozen wings had a hard time making them look worse then they possibly could look.

  5. We get it Six Figures. You’ve too much class to eat at BK w Panotch and are too classy to dine at Bww.

    1. Imagine if someone snaps a picture of Panotch eating BWW with the Mountain Dew Sauce. This site would spontaneously combust and the world would be a better place as a result

  6. There are heaps of recipes from all around the world that involve cooking with soda.

    Many South American and Korean recipes involve cooking meats with Coke. Root beer, Mountain Dew and Dr. Pepper are widely used along the BBQ circuits. Sugar is widely used in food as well. And Country Time lemonade mix is the hidden ingredient in a lot of BBQ rubs. The most basic BBQ rub you can make is equal parts brown sugar, black pepper, paprika and salt. One of the signs of good BBQ is a combination of sweet and hot.

    Let Drew Magary and Albert Burneko handle the food rage columns. Theirs are funny and accurate. You revealed more about your own ignorance than the people you were attempting to make fun of.

    This is the point where you claim you were being sarcastic.

  7. Hey Genius – Have you ever cooked a ham? One of the first things you do is pour a can of 7-up on top and cook.

    Now go get your shine box.

    1. I also don’t brand it as 7-UP HAM. The Mountain Dew thing is nonsense and serves no other purposes than to gum up the sugary mess. Idiots actually think it’ll taste like Mountain Dew.

  8. “unwashed gremlins of Middle America ”

    Or in other terms…the people you align yourself with politically.

  9. By pop’s left me at home once for a weekend with a 2 liter of mountain dew and half a primo hoagies. The hoagie sucked but the dew gave me so much energy, I went out and killed a man with my bare hands. The look in his eyes when I squeezed the last breath out of him was erotic.

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