Kobe Bryant Spontaneously Stopped By Larry's Steaks Last Night... with His Security Detail, Chauffeur, and Videographer

Oh look, there’s Kobe Bryant– just an average Philly son making his return and grabbing a non-touristy cheesesteak at his favorite haunt, Larry’s… with his security detail, personal driver, a throng of media, and what appears to be his own videographer:

pic via (@evandbuchanan) on Instagram

Footage from the camera seen here will likely be available as part of a $29.99 digital download chronicling Kobe’s Hero-Villain retirement campaign:

Kobe’s full of shit. I love how he’s acting like this will be the perfect sentimental kick-off to what promises to be a nauseating farewell tour. Philly, my home. Until… you hear him explain Philly to the LA media as seemingly nothing more than a stop along the way in his cultured basketball journey:

“It’s going to be beautiful. So much of my game was developed in Philadelphia. Lower Merion High School, Coach (Gregg) Downer. Playing in the Sunny Hill League. So many great coaches. Playing at Tustin Playground and all these things. Just so many great memories there. It’s going to be a very, very special moment.”

[They spelled Sonny wrong.]

So much of my game was developed in Philadelphia. Fuck off. Most normal humans refer to wherever they went to high school as their home. I grew up there. I snuck into my first R-rated movie there. I assaulted my first got to second base there. Not Kobe. Strictly basketball. My high school team was there. My AAU squad was there. I took Brandy to the prom there.

Oh but Kyle, please, the man is a basketball player, of course his memories are basketball memories. His dad played for the Sixers though, and since he spent his formative years here, he obviously has great reverence for the team. Nope:

“I was a Laker die hard growing up. So [being compared to Magic] is good enough for me. That’s good enough for me. I’ve just been extremely fortunate. So how many kids can say that when they grow up and turn pro they’re gonna play for the favorite team in the world and spend their entire career there? It’s been a dream.”

Go away, Kobe. Eat at Larry’s if you want. Finish in an unwilling partner’s face if you want. But spare me the favorite Philly son nonsense. You’re oh so full of shit.