Morning Wood: Time To Spray

Photo credit: Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

I am fully aware that by bringing back the Wood – an orgy of sticks, balls and baseball boners – the Phillies will immediately regress to the mean, sliding back to whence they belong. I’m insta-mush. But at 21-15 with the fourth best record in the National League, it’s time to bring back our Wood. We’ll ease our way back in… just the tip, if you will. It might not come every day, or after every game, but the Phils’ baseball sex shant be ignored anymore.

Let’s Wood!


The ‘cap



Hows about Tyler Goeddel, redeeming this absolute boner in the field…


… with a two-run, bases-clearing triple just two innings later, earning himself a post-game interview with Mr. Murphy and a dousing. GET THAT MAN A TOWEL, BONNIE!

“That’s a play you gotta make 100% of the time. Just took my eye off it. Helli was pitching his butt off out there. It’s not a good feeling, but I was able to redeem myself.”

Goeddel’s hit was followed by what became, thanks to the Phillies’ excellent pitching, a game-winning SAFETY SQUEEZE. This team just wins close games.


Odubel baserunning

I get shit on Twitter for needling Odubel Herrera about his gaffs – because he’s otherwise been so good – but he frequently makes mild miscalculations that cost the Phillies an out or a run. Yesterday, he was picked off first going on first movement. Other times it might be a failure to tag-up or otherwise running into an out. Little things. Just a mild critique here.


Boob grab

You can get 19% APR rates if you let customers grab a boob or two:


Pat Sajak?

Email from reader Bill:

Voila_Capture 2016-05-14_12-29-30_PM


Check it out everytime they show a right handed batter from Phils dugout shot tonight. I know he’s a sports fan, saw him in front row at LA Kings games a few times. No idea why he’s with a guy in a Reds jersey.

I thought the same thing, but I’m not sure that’s him. Can anyone confirm? Next week Philly is featured in Wheel of Fortune’s “Great American Cities” week, but it looks like all the shooting was done last fall. I’m not actually sure if this is him or just a guy with a square head.


That’s gotta hurt



Matt Klentak

He spoke to the media before the game. The few Q & A is here, but some really interesting stuff:

Q. You mentioned the run differential and that you’re not blind to the fact that there are some positions that aren’t producing. Do you expect any other moves?

A. No other moves imminent at this point. And I just want to clarify my previous point, it’s lack of offensive production. That’s where I credit Pete in recognizing the defensive production and making sure that we accentuate that. And really appreciate that and not be driven to make a move just for the sake of making a move. I say all that, if we have players that can contribute on both sides of the ball, we will give them a chance. That’s what we’re looking for. And we’re hoping Tommy can provide a spark.

Q. How long can the winning continue with the lack of offense?

A. Hopefully all year long. We’ll see. The seasons ebb and flow. Even teams that win the World Series, they’re going to go through stretches where they’re pitching better, where they’re hitting better, struggling defensively … whatever the case might be. I don’t know why the 2016 Phillies would be any different than that. We’re going to have times where we’re swinging the bat better and swinging the bat worse. We’ll stick with the personnel that we believe are helping us in that moment and try the best we can to put the best 25 out there on a nightly basis that we can.

T-Mac voice: And so far… it’s been pretttttty good!


15 Responses

  1. Wake me up when the Phillies score more than 3 runs a game on a consistent basis.

  2. That auto lender clip was the best part of this abortion of a post. “The Wood”? Good fucking grief.

  3. The only time Breakfast on Broad is seen is when they’re allowed to advertise during Phillies games, and it’s still awful.

    Barrett: “we’re the Breakfast on Broad crew”
    Rob: “We’ll talk Birds on Monday”
    Sarah: “I’ll read some of your tweets”
    Jillian (in steroeotypical accent): “6 am on the COMCAHST NETWORK!”


    1. The only way they could get me to watch that show is if Jillian did the broadcast in a string bikini.

      And even then, I’d only stay tuned in long enough to work up 2 nuts.

  4. I was at the game, sec 133 and couldn’t see the Goeddel error. This is the first time I saw it. Even without being able to see it at the stadium, I was saying he’s going to be offered back to Tampa next week. They’l decline and then he’ll be DFA. I don’t care if he hit a game winning grand slam last night, the guy flat out sucks. Batting .159 with a .159 OPS. coming into the game. What major league team would keep someone like this on their roster?

    1. Give the kid a break. He only spent one season in AA, where he was just starting to figure things out before being taken in the Rule 5 draft. If the Phillies stay in contention all year, yeah, maybe they’ll need that roster spot later in the season, but right now, they can afford to carry him. Root for him.

    2. Oh look, he just saved the game tonight with that throw to home. Sure you’re ready to give up on him?

      1. Yes, he plays a corner outfield spot. Regardless of defense you better fucking hit. If he were replace with someone who hits higher than their weight, maybe there aren’t so many fucking 1 run games to begin with

        1. It’s fucking May in a season that’s supposed to be a developmental year for this team. Chill the fuck out.

  5. I am not a scout…that being said, nothing that follows has anything to do with that. that being said anyone who knows what a guy who just entered the league is going to do can suck my…pitching is good and i like it

  6. “sliding back to whence they belong.”

    The fuck you mean? “Whence” means “from where”. Thus you said “sliding back to from where they belong.” That’s not even coherent English, dude. If you don’t know what a word means, use words you can use properly. You make a living writing in English. Your teachers are ashamed.

  7. Would love to suck auto lenders tits . Horrible shirt though

  8. And the Mets or Nats miss the playoffs

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