So this was weird:

“Deflategate is the ultimate bullshit fucking outrage of sports ever.  It’s so fucking stupid, that I can’t believe. Do you realize they gave him a suspension for a quarter of the regular season, which would be the equivalent of suspending a baseball player for forty fucking days which is what they do when you get busted taking steroids. Which, by the way, if the NFL had a real testing, and really knew how to test for steroids HGH, there’d be no fucking NFL. So what they did was suspend Tom Brady for four days for not giving them his fucking cell phone and having a friend who called himself the deflater. If I got in trouble for all the things that my friends called themselves, I would be finished, okay?”

“Maybe Tom Brady is so fucking classy, he’s such a fucking gentleman, that he doesn’t want people to know what he may have reflected upon his real opinion of some of his coworkers. You know, like guys he plays with, guys he plays against, his real feelings… You look at what’s the guy’s name, Eli. Eli did a whole layout with the New York Times, a whole cute spread two years ago about [does sissy voice] ‘What goes into an Eli football. A lot of massage, a lot of sandpaper, a lot of grit and a lot of grass before Eli will take it.’ The whole fucking this was like …ah…he he’s gotta scuff it like Phil Niekro before he’ll ever fucking put the football in the game.”

“This is a conspiracy of people inside the NFL who all come from organizations where Tom Brady whipped their ass.”

Ben Affleck completely lost his shit on Bill Simmons’ new show last night. Without accusing him of being drunk or under some influence, something was off about Affleck as he slurred his way through the anti-NFL rant. Consider it God’s gift from Heaven to Simmons on his first show– a genuine superstar going off the deep end, unironically.

As for the rest of the show? I didn’t hate it as much as some did. You really can’t judge a show like this on its first episode. The only way to get a rhythm is to experiment. Few things:

  1. Simmons’ opening monologue, obviously an attempt at being chill John Oliver, was typically well-written. But the delivery and pacing was all over the place. Simmons has skinny-guy TV issues, where regardless of content, it’s hard to deliver a commanding presence when viewers are used to block-headed figures with oversized, angular features. I am familiar with this problem– I look like the tiny, shrunken head guy from Beetlejuice next to John Clark. Oliver himself doesn’t exactly have a face or body built for TV, but his personality and delivery make up for it. This is the difference between writers and comedians. I have no doubt Simmons wrote his opening monologue (Oliver, I’m sure, gets help), but at least half the battle is the entertaining delivery. That’s why comedians shine on these type of shows. It’s harder than it looks. Simmons is gonna need either more heavy-editing, or a different format.
  2. Simmons’ podcast works because he’s a great conversational interviewer. He gets an hour with big-name guests and engages in relaxed, genuine conversations. It’s hard to do that on TV. Even HBO. 10 minutes is not long enough with a guest – even if it is Charles Barkley – to unpack everything that Simmons is typically able to unpack.
  3. The first show was essentially a poor-man’s Daily Show or Nightly Show. Monologue, pre-packaged spot, interview(s). Problem: The Comedy Central shows – even the current, lesser iterations – churn out watchable content daily. With a week to prepare, viewers will expect more from Simmons. The reason Oliver’s show works is because it delivers just that– usually a scathing takedown of [insert big business thing] filled with humor and interactive takeaways. That’s hard to do with sports unless you’re doing Outside The Lines-type content. In this age of TAKES, and ESPN, and social media, and sports talk radio, and podcasts, Simmons can’t just deliver a sub-surface-level rant – however well-written and insightful it is – and expect it to be enough. Simmons, I’m guessing, will want full editorial control, but you can’t do the above-and-beyond stuff, daily or weekly, without help from a team of writers, editors, producers, fact-checkers, etc. If Simmons attempts to be the beginning and end of the script-writing process, the show won’t work. It can’t be a column on TV. It can be his voice, but not just his words.

UPDATE: Fuck it. On second thought, if Simmons is going for a sitting at the bar vibe, Affleck’s drunken rant nailed it. I’d firmly support a get A-lister drunk and let them go off interview each week. Go with it, Bill.