A reader sent us a forwarded email detailing the legend of Dick Mahoney. According to the message, Mahoney was a friend of a friend, who was “sending vague emails on [the Bishop’s Collar softball team] softball thread about how he’s bringing some kid named ‘Mahoney’ onto the team, that Mahoney is one of the best softball players he’s ever seen, and that we should all be excited about Mahoney.”
The author expected any ol’ Delco dude, but instead got Dick Mahoney, who “looked like Eazy-E circa 1988: black dude with a Jheri curl hairstyle, LA Dodgers shirt and hat.” In his first two games, the story goes, Mahoney hit seven home runs (and it would’ve been eight if he hadn’t overrun the lead runner on the base path). A real-life Steve Nebraska, if you will.
Other than crushing the ball and keeping his team in first place, Mahoney didn’t really socialize much. The email says that he once told a teammate that he did “a little bit of this, a little bit of that” for a living. Rumors started to spread:
The woman who organizes our softball team asked [redacted] what Mahoney’s email was so he could be added to our thread. “Doesn’t have one,” [redacted] said. When [redacted] witnessed Mahoney park his Porsche Cayenne next to the field, he sort of put [redacted] on the spot about Mahoney’s background, [Redacted] just said, “You’re going to have to find out for yourself what Mahoney does for a living. I can’t tell you.” Conspiracy theories started to spread that Mahoney was a drug dealer or was in porn (he missed a few games because he was flying back and forth from LA, apparently.)
The author then reveals that he was told Dick Mahoney was leaving the team because he was moving back to LA, to pursue a filmmaking career. Also, that he’s Walter Thurmond III.
The image above, which was included with the forwarded email, looks a lot like Thurmond. But the smoking gun is from the Instagram page of Thurmond’s girlfriend:
While other players were resting, going to music festivals, and swimming in exotic locales, Walter Thurmond III was playing softball in the hot sun on weekend mornings while wearing a wig. Walter Thurmond is Dick Mahoney. Dick Mahoney is Walter Thurmond. As aliases go, it’s much better than Ron Mexico. But I’m just really bummed Thurmond III – and, it seems, Dick Mahoney – has retired and I can’t get my custom “Mahoney” jersey made for this season.
The Legend of Dick Mahoney shall live on only in memory. Oh, and in this picture of Walter Thurmond III crushing the ball over the head of a terrified teammate standing on third:
UPDATE: An unlikely alliance has been formed with Mr. Bowen. He reached out to Walter Thurmond III, who seemingly confirms that Dick Mahoney is real, and he’s spectacular: