Hello, My Name Is Dan

Dan Klausner will be joining us for Eagles and Flyers coverage this year. Get to know him.

Hello, I’m Dan Klausner. You may remember me from such websites as Bleeding Green Nation, Twitter (dot com) and Lead Paint: Delicious But Deadly. Maybe you also remember me from my stint as an intern with the Eagles during the 2013 season, when I wrote for the team website and was still idealistic and naive enough to think that was the career path I desired in life.

If you don’t know me at all, here’s a very quick bio: I’m a born-and-bred Philly — ok, fine, I’m from the suburbs — guy who took a detour for college in Maryland and then lived in DC for three years after graduation. I’ve been back in Philly for the past three years and work in sales for a specialty food distributor. I look forward to starting with a clean slate here and then sobbing at all the mean and hurtful things you write about me in the comments.

The first time Kyle Scott had a tangible impact on me was during the 2013 Eagles training camp. It was my first week with the team and morning practice had just ended when he dropped the infamous Riley Cooper video.

The NovaCare Complex was not a fun place to be the rest of the day (and week), what with full-scale panic and DEFCON 1 mode activated. I got my first crash course in corporate crisis management and how it develops in real time. Hours later, I was in the scrum of reporters for the haphazard press conference in which Cooper apologized for getting caught being a bigoted piece of shit. You’re not going to believe this, but Riley Cooper is a Grade A pile of festering garbage regardless of the Kenny Chesney concert incident. A few days earlier, I’d heard about how he recently tried to hit on a female employee (presumably) by letting her know that mini Riley’s head touched the water when he sat on the toilet. Thankfully Ol’ Dirty Toilet Water Dick left the team for a few days and was quickly cured of his deep-seated racism (and his ride cured of its truck nuts) so that he could come back, get in on the insane flukiness of Chip’s first-season offense, and then cash in on the most undeserved contract in NFL history before immediately reverting to (useless) form. It’s hard to think of an instance where a player hoodwinked an NFL franchise more thoroughly, so I guess that’s deserving of some praise and admiration.

I’m not done yet about Riley Cooper. The biggest indictment of Chip Kelly as an NFL coach — more than his absurd pigheadedness, inability to adapt, incompetence in evaluating players (particularly his Oregon crushes), running the same five plays and losing the in-game edge that initially made him so appealing — remains his unwavering commitment to Cooper because he fell in line with THE PROGRAM™, showed up on time, worked hard and refrained from getting caught saying the “n” word on camera in public a second time. He wanted to keep the turd at all costs– you can go ahead and come up with your own reasons why.

My lasting memory of Riley Cooper will always be his crippling drop against the Saints in the NFC Wild Card Game and brazen shirking of responsibility afterward. You remember: Second drive of the second half, Eagles down 13-7 and struggling to get anything going on offense. It’s third-and-4 at the their own 30 and Cooper comes open 10 yards down the field on a crossing pattern, with nothing but grass in front of him. The play was schemed perfectly and, I swear, he was going to pick up at least 50 yards, if not take it to the house and completely swing the momentum and send an otherwise catatonic crowd into a frenzy. Unfortunately, Nick Foles hit Cooper in the worst spot, the hands, as the latter turned his head upfield before securing the ball. Doink. Drop. An audible groan emitted from both the press box and stands as the ball hit the ground, for everyone knew at that moment the Eagles were going to lose. After the game, a perturbed and defiant Cooper stood at his locker to face the media. His response to the incessant questions about the key drop before saying he wouldn’t talk anymore if reporters kept asking? “Listen, it was my only drop of the whole season. Can we talk about something else?” No, asshole, we can’t talk about something else since the season is now over and your fucking wide-open drop is a huge part of why. Cooper even had the gall to mention his touchdown catch earlier in the game. The dude never got it and he sucks at football and life. I’m ecstatic he won’t play another down in the NFL.

Anyway, back on track. Obviously I’ve been well aware of Crossing Broad for years (an off-and-on reader too) and know all the opinions of Kyle as a scummy smutraker (I make words up) who traffics in questionable, salacious, “gotcha” content to attract page hits. He gives pro sports teams in the city ulcers, since he doesn’t kowtow to them like traditional media outlets in order to preserve access and good standing. Peripheral issues aside, the only time I vehemently disagreed with Kyle on a topic to the point that it actually angered me was his stubborn stance on the Jeff Carter trade, for which he always has been and always will be wrong.

Kyle and I met in early 2014 through a mutual friend. I didn’t know anything about him on a personal level but found him to be relatively pleasant, which is to say I wasn’t looking for a way out of the conversation after 30 seconds. In fact, I ended up genuinely liking the guy. Sorry, not sorry. Is Crossing Broad a schtick? Sure, to a certain extent, but I also get it. Kyle stumbled upon a niche in the blog world as Deadspin, Barstool and such were gaining popularity and turned it into a legitimate business that can support a family and even employ another writer. If you can’t bring yourself to respect what he’s accomplished at least a little bit, you’re salty, jealous, both, or Les Bowen.

I started my own Philly sports blog the day Jayson Werth signed with the Washington Nationals (12/6/10). Seven months later, the then-editor of Bleeding Green Nation contacted me about writing for the site. My first article for BGN was a pre-emptive dump on the 2011 Dream Team, and I went on to make my bones writing from the heart and doing “The Good, The Bad, The Ugly” game recaps. I stayed with the site for two years until the Eagles gig, then came back and contributed periodically from 2014-15. I’m forever grateful for the opportunity and was simply in the right place at the right time, just before the site began to take off. I’m proud of the foundation I was able to help lay there, and it’s surreal to see what BGN has become (shoutout Brandon Gowton).

The last article I ever wrote for BGN, “Chip Kelly Was Not Who We Thought He Was,” is the one that made Kyle want to hire me for Crossing BroadI was thinking of getting back in the game when he slid into my DMs a few months ago about coming on board, but, to be perfectly honest, writing was no longer something I had the time nor energy for on a labor-of-love basis. Then Kyle offered to pay me a more than respectable rate — in real American dollars, too! He didn’t even try to lowball at first, which alone was enough for me after having dealt with enough bullshit sites in this industry that ask you to basically write for free. Kyle wants Crossing Broad to continue evolving, and part of that is incorporating more long-form, in-depth, analytic-focused content, without losing the voice of the brash and (sometimes– OK, most of the time) irrational fan who curses a lot. Hopefully I can do my part. He also floated the idea of doing a Flyers-centric podcast (Flyers are my 1A, Eagles are my 1B), which makes my pee pee hard. Like with BGN five years ago, this feels like the right opportunity in the right place at the right time, so I’m going with it.

If you want to say hi and/or tell me how much I suck, I’m always welcoming @’s on Twitter (the website) at @dklausner.

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40 Responses

  1. dan – fuck you and and fuck your mother.

    No one here likes you, go make your own tumblr blog post.

    Do us all a favor and take two weeks off then quit

    1. People like to ridicule Josh Innes & Hollis Thomas for being overweight, but say nothing about Anthony Gargano strolling his fat a s s into fantasy fest looking grotesque & overweight at 5’10”, and nearly 300lbs.

      If Mike Missanelli is a true friend of the CUZ, then he would tell him to lose some serious weight, it’s no reason for Gargano to walk around looking like an Italian Porky Pig, who’s never missed a meal.

      1. Mikey Miss talks about society needing evolve yet he surrounds himself with unevolved fucks like Gargano. Of course Miss is an unevolved puke too.

      1. Welcome to CB Dan. couple things..
        Are you from the area? Did you go to college? Did you graduate? Did you know Kyle before starting at cb? Did you ever have your own blog? Do you always write long fuckin stories that no one will read? Are your cut and paste abilities up to snuff?

    2. Fucking zzzzzzzz after the 1st 3 sentences you’re as boring as half the commentors on this site like we give q fuck past the first paragraph.

    3. As one of the many fine negroes on this here sight let me say thank you my brother from another mother for spending half of your INtroduction explaining you’re hatred four Riley Cooper. You are clearly indeering yoself to us here n1ggers on da sight. You are my brother’s keeper

  2. Does Dan know anything about the b dawk Clemson blow job incident?

    1. Have to admit, comments on this one are way above average for once. Had me laughing hard.

  3. Can’t wait until the announcment later today that K-C is a segment producer on CB lifestyle issues.
    “Has Kyle’s beer fermented yet? I’ll have that answer, after the break….”

  4. Post waiting for approval? What is this some stupid college that coddles kids and has their precious safe spaces?

  5. Heard Dan got the job after giving Jim a handjob and stroking Kyle’s fragile little ego over lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings.

  6. Hopefully Kyle makes you and Jim fight in a steel cage match to the death in which you kill Jim. Then, on the way home you drive your shitty car at an excessively high speed right into the front of Kyle’s house this killing both you and Kyle. To top it off, Jim’s ghost should come back and bang Kyle’s now widowed wife.

  7. OMFG! Great to see you here. Welcome!!!!

    (Holy Shit – who the fuck is this guy? Long ass grandiose Riley Cooper shit revisited for the millionth time. Could be worse than Jim.
    Trainwreck)

  8. Does Kyle pay you by the word? Jesus Christ! We’ve got the Nova narcissist, the comma splicing hipster douche bag and now the long winded William F. Buckley! What a fucking trifecta! Is this a WIP midday lineup or does God just hate Philly sports?

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