GOOD EVENING FROM RIO, WHERE THE ONLY THING WE CARE ABOUT TONIGHT IS THE POOL. We’ll book-end our coverage with the most anticlimactic women’s gymnastics event of all-time, taped. You’re watching for one thing and one thing only: Will Michael Phelps squash that South African bug buzzing about his rarified air? Let’s skip the women’s gymnastics event and head right on over to the pool, where we’ll be joined by Dan Hicks and Rowdy Gaines, who might combust during the final length of the men’s 200m butterfly.

NBC kicks off their swimming coverage this evening with a truly brilliant piece detailing the rivalry between Phelps and aforementioned bug Chad le Clos.

This sort of thing isn’t produced overnight. NBC likely had this package ready to go for months, knowing that this event would come down to Phelps and le Clos. All they had to do was edit in le Clos’ warm room antics from the night before – I need a warm room live stream and I need it now – to set up this duel of all duels… until they do the same thing two nights later when Phelps and that douchebag Ryan Lochte, with his frumpy midsection and silver hair, go at it in the 100m butterfly.

Before we get to Phelps-le Clos, Katie Ledecky will be back in the pool, and tonight we’ll see if her challengers can finish the race before she’s already changed, showered and doing an awkward in-studio sit-down with Bob Costas and his increasing resemblance to Michael J. Fox.

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Yep, Ledecky, whose big girl hair is finally coming in, beat the minimalist end table from Ikea and a British girl. Her parents are ecstatic, but I’m beginning to think her mom doesn’t love her dad:

Two ways to tell if someone is into you: 1) When you’re drinking, true feelings come out. If alcohol can’t induce some sort of affection-seeking behavior, they’re just not that into you. 2) If your daughter wins a Gold Medal and the person with whom you produced her doesn’t even so much as glance in your direction, they’re just not that into you.

Alright enough with Ledecky. The King is in the pool and he’ll be swimming the first of two races where forces beyond his control will conspire to break his concentration. In this case, an asshole screaming in the crowd leads the omnipresent voice of the starter to tell the swimmers to step down and re-commence their OCD pre-race procedures. For Phelps, this means a piercing stare into Lane 3, a focused beam, the heat of which increases the temperatue of the lane 98 degrees, making it nearly impossible for that particular competitor to challenge, leading them to eventually declare that the swim was The Hardest Thing they ever had to do. Oh, and the flap. Phelps’ flap echoes throughout the hushed aquatic center and… yep, that’s pee dripping down le Clos’ le leg.

Fire.

Phelps gets out to an early lead and never looks back, while le Clos can only look in Phelps’ direction as the King reclaims his rightful Gold Medal:


There’s a lesson in what le Clos did down the stretch. His decision to look over at Phelps, and not focus on what he could control, will spawn countless inspirational posters thanks to this photo:

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Indeed:

Or, if you prefer:

https://twitter.com/AdrianNeenan/status/763198349440712705

I mean, le Clos was so preoccupied with Phelps that he looked over at him no less than five times down the stretch. I narrated it for you:

Speaking of the finger wag, let’s see that in an instant replay, Mr. Ventura:

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The finger wag needs to become the US calling card at the Olympics. At the very least, it would resurface Dikembe Mutombo into the national conversation for a few weeks and give us memes to use in every international conflict from now until someone comes up with a better way for society to express meaning outside the parameters of image files.

No but for real, Phelps called his shot:

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Fffffff:

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The Golden State Warriors liked it:

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And, bonus, this whole thing allowed us to learn that Boomer is real:

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An hour later, after Phelps would go through his Gold Medal ceremony, he was back in the pool for the men’s relay, but not before yet another hidden force worked to knock him off his game, as his cap tore right before his leg of the race:

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Never mind what this says about the quality of Michael Phelps’ swim caps… he was able to borrow one from teammate Conor Dwyer which he promptly – ASTUTELY – turned inside out:

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Photo credit: Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

Otherwise, Phelps would’ve been giving free publicity to Speedo, whose caps Dwyer wears…

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… while Phelps’ caps are made by Aqua Sphere. Always brand aware, Michael Phelps is.

The US men won and Phelps got himself another Gold Medal.

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Photo credit: Robert Deutsch-USA TODAY Sports

Finally, we conclude our evening with the conclusion of the women’s all-around event, which now took place seven – SEVEN – hours ago. We learn that the women’s team’s leotards cost $1,200, which is precisely the reason other countries hate us.

The only drama left was to find out what the team would call itself, which they would awkwardly unveil just moments after they clinched the Gold Medal. “WE’RE THE FINAL FIVE!” they screamed into NBC cameras in a branding effort coordinated by Aly Raisman. They would later explain to Bob Costas, who conducted the most uncomfortable interview ever with the Final Five as they watched their medal ceremony for the first time, that they gave themselves that name because this is the last time Martha Karolyi will coach the women’s team and because it’s the last time there will be five team members in the Olympics (it will be four starting in 2020). But as weird as that whole thing is, it’s nothing compared to Costas, who was destroyed by SNL star Leslie Jones – who actually got invited to Rio by NBC to provide commentary, ironically because of her Tweets – in a rant that couldn’t have possibly been approved by the powers that be at NBC:

So that can’t possibly be the party line.

That’s it for Day 4. Erryone got dat Gold.

 

Idle thoughts and more:

Phelps’ Baltimore contingent shout “O” during the National Anthem:

The women’s leotards were actually made in PA.

We’re not supposed to feel bad for the Russian science experiment are we?

Yes, the 24-year-old is Russian. And, yes, she did positive in 2013 for a banned steroid, DHEA. That doesn’t, however, automatically make her a doper. Three arbitrators, none of them Russian, who heard Efimova’s case and banned her from competition for 16 months were clear about that.

They ruled that “she clearly was not” intentionally cheating and “she did not intend to enhance sport performance.”

Instead, they determined, Efimova was negligent. The legal supplement she bought at a store near her home in California contained DHEA. It even said so on the label. But Efimova naively believed the store clerk who told her the product was OK and did not read the label herself, they determined.

How much vagina you think the people in this photo are crushing at the games?

A media bus was shot at in Rio:

Laurie Hernandez is heading to Wawa:

https://twitter.com/Jt856/status/763218802385510404