Good evening from Rio, where Bob Costas has become indistinguishable from Michael J. Fox. To the DeLorean, Doc!, because we’re going back in time. We start the night with women’s beach volleyball, which is gonna make it that much harder for me to pull off the “I’m working” excuse with Mrs. CB as Kerri Walsh Jennings’ bikini bottom goes deeper into the mushy crevasse and oh God they’re playing the Swiss here comes a pot hurtling towards my head.

Kerri Walsh Jennings and April Ross, wearing long sleeves under their tops because there’s rain in the forecast, are matched up with Anouk Verge-Delonglegs and Isabelle Comingoutofhertop, both dressed head-to-toe in all black. Spandex is doing big things in Switzerland! Legs and Cans manage to give the heavily-favored US squad some trouble by mid-way through the second set, and it appears we may be headed for a third. It’s at this point that viewers begin to notice the live prime time proceedings are, well, actually not live at all, Bob! They’re delayed by about 10 minutes or so, likely so NBC can cut out some downtime and keep things interesting, which is actually a really smart… no, this is entirely stupid. I have no idea why they’re doing this, and it can only come back to bite them.

Tape delaying events for prime time when they take place during the day is one thing, but time-shifting a few minutes just because you can is user-hostile, and baffling. It’s like killing a squirrel: If it’s made its way into your Christmas proceedings and you catch it in a coat and smack it with a hammer, you’re doing what’s necessary. But if you set a trap for a backyard squirrel and bludgeon it to a pulp just because you can… well, you’re a sadistic fuck and you should probably seek help. Tonight, NBC is a sadistic fuck. They’re airing an event on just enough of a delay so that anyone on Twitter or with any sort of sports notification system will find out the results before they see them on TV, never realizing that they weren’t watching a live event.

A Tweet informs me that we’re heading to a third set… while I’m watching the tense deciding points of the second set. Great.

Here’s where things really get weird. NBC has now shown us almost an entire hour of intense, damp, sweaty, grunty women’s beach volleyball – all on a 10-minute delay – and, so they can get to swimming on-time (it starts at 9), they come out of commercial before the third set, fire up the time machine, and speed us into the present. It’s 8-7, good girls. Mind you, the third set is only up to 15. So NBC has now shown us the entirey of a beach volleyball match, and just as things get interesting – a true first for a match involving Walsh Jennings – they skip forward like a tweaked out child flying through the cutscenes of a first-person shooter on PS4 because he “just wants to kill things.”

It’s at this moment that the karma Gods jump up and bite NBC on those lightly covered cheeks. Comingoutofhertop is down. No, her top isn’t down, you perv, she’s down. Comingoutofhertop hurt herself diving on the sand (I didn’t know this was a thing!). She opts to take a five-minute injury timeout.* At this point I’d pay to see the mass scramble inside NBC’s Production Center for Networks Who Hate You and Want To Do Other Evil Stuff Too. Had they just started the event live, or began the broadcast after the first few points of the match, to allow Costas could read us a poem or two as he kicked off coverage, we’d be in the exact same place and would’ve gotten to see the presumably HOTLY CONTESTED first 15 points of the all-important third set. But here we are anyway, waiting, disoriented and confused as NBC continues to mess with the space-time continuum, while Comingoutofhertop rolls on the ground with what appears to be a neck injury. It’s now about 9 p.m. in the East and swimming is about to begin. NBC MUST SHOW SWIMMING. Let’s see how they handle this.

*I didn’t know they had these– I would’ve just assumed that the usual method for playing through injuries in beach volleyball is to just drink until it doesn’t hurt anymore.

Comingoutofhertop works out the kink and returns to action. She actually scores the first point upon her return, but then Walsh Jennings and Ross remember they’re Americans, dammit, and put a stop to this nonsense and win the match. USA! USA!

Let’s head on over to the pool for live swimming. Dan Hicks and Rowdy Gaines, who has been infused with liquid meth prior to our broadcast tonight, are here to call all the action for you.

What’s this?

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How could Kazakhstan have won a Gold Medal, 1) because they’re fucking Kazakhstan, and 2) because I’m watching the Kazaki(?) in his warmups right now. Don’t tell me… oh no, Comingoutofhertop’s injury has delayed our swimming proceedings as well, and rather than, you know, just skip this race no one cares about, or – HAHA – skip a commercial break, NBC is just going to delay swimming, too. You can mess with beach volleyball, but once you touch swimming you gone and done it. WE HAVE OURSELVES A CONTROVERSY ON OUR HANDS:

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Viewers are confused! There’s mass pandemonium in the air! If Katie Ledecky swims and the entire country finds out the results before she ever gets in the pool, we may not be able to recover. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. It seems NBC’s plan to get themselves out of this mess is to just cut out all the fluff around the first few races and, like a housewife catching up on CSI: Rio, just slowly fast-forward their way to real-time viewing.

By the time Katie Ledecky is up – oh man, they good – NBC has returned us once again to the present. And there she is, American hero Ledecky, whose hairline can’t keep up with her body she swims so fast, waiting in the gathering area.

Here’s a text message I got from a friend, a grown adult who’s well-respected in the local busines community:

Dude- no way Katy Ledecky isn’t from outer space. She looks like Roger from American Dad

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Photo credit: Jack Gruber-USA TODAY Sports

Before Roger gets in the pool, NBC is gonna take us away from a “break in the action” – which is actually Kazakhstan getting their first swimming medal ever and no way NBC is gonna show us that nice story – to show us the story of Kristin Armstrong, the 43-year-old who won her third straight Gold Medal in the women’s time trial:

https://youtu.be/AF4cspJTme0

Armstrong, a mother who gives great helmet, is part of a suddenly taboo trend during these Olympics of referring to female athletes who are mothers as “mothers.” Descriptions of Armstrong set off the same sort of reaction we see here from descriptions of Kerri Walsh Jennings:

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God dammit. This is why Trump has a shot. This is absurd, on several fronts. Having just had a kid and seeing what my wife had to go through, being a mother is different. The toll it takes from a mental, emotional and physical standpoint is unlike anything men have to go through. So, it is indeed more impressive and notable when someone who has birthed one, two or three children competes at the highest level sports, especially in their late-30s or early-40s. This isn’t sexism, you idiots, it’s praise. As a father, Michael Phelps, though he may be sleeping less, is not depended on to care for Boomer the way his wife, Nicole, is. He’s just not. So seeing someone who has gone through what mothers go through find the time, energy and strength to get themselves back to being an elite athlete is damn impressive. And I’m guessing most of the women who tweet this stuff haven’t had children themselves – probably because they hate men too much for it to happen – otherwise they’d understand why a mother of three CRUSHING IT on the volleyball court is so unbelievable.

Photo credit: Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

Back to the studio, and I continue to have no idea why Bob Costas feels the need to stand like he just put a groovy song on the jukebox at the hop:

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Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Bob weirds me out.

Let’s head back to the pool.

The water looks serene, since no one has been in it for 20 minutes. I keep thinking they have to run a Zamboni after several races. I’m dumb.

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Next up is Nathan Adrian– he’s very good looking and takes the Bronze Medal in the 100m freestyle. He seems like a delightful guy and answers Michelle Tafoya’s question about what happened thusly– “I didn’t go the fastest time in the pool.” He says he’s not upset with it and is happy with a Bronze Medal. Good for him (seriously), but here’s where you find the difference between Michael Phelps and mere mortals. I’d be afraid that Phelps would murder the nearest Alpha male to re-establish the pecking order if he finished third. His desire to win is unmatched by others, even top Olympians like Adrian. Phelps wouldn’t be able to locate a grin, even for NBC’s cameras, if he won a Bronze.

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Speaking of, it’s time for the Phelps-Lochte rivalry package. They’ll race tonight in the semifinals of the individual medley. They both make quick work of the field, and afterwards speak to Tafoya, where Phelps continues his years-long mind-fuck of Lochte, who is entirely too dumb to realize what’s going on. “I love racing him,” Phelps says as Lochte just laughs and the overworked hamster in his head presumably mutters me too. Never mind that Lochte, a genuinely great swimmer who holds the World Record in this event – in 2009, when swimsuits themselves set records – continues to get his ass beat by Phelps in the Olympics, which is what really matters. “He brings the best out of me,” Phelps says. Lochte happily follows the crumbs– “Any time I get to race him, it’s the best.” HE BEATS YOU, RYAN. HE’S BEATS YOU. The only analogy I have for their relationship is Erlich and Big Head in Silicon Valley. Big Head is too stupid to realize that Erlich has only befriended him because he’s rich and is going to promptly decimate his forture, all while Big Head smiles and nods and only occasionally senses that something might be off before shrugging and going along with Erlich anyway. That’s Phelps and Lochte. Phelps is ruining Lochte and Lochte is too stupid to realize it. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Phelps practially owns real estate inside Lochte’s hollow head. Phelps by a mile tonight!

Finally, it’s Katie Ledecky and the women. Rowdy has CRUNCHED THE NUMBERS and predicts a 1.5 second win for the US. Well…

Ledecky is flat-out impressive. Heres how she started the final leg of the race:

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And here’s how she finished:

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The women won by 1.8 seconds, slightly better than Rowdy predicted.

Gold, even if they don’t match:

https://twitter.com/CorkGaines/status/763574385579962372

We conclude our night with taped men’s gymnastics zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…….

 

Idle thoughts and more:

Cody Miller continues to be the most excited and goofy athlete at the Olympics:

Here’s a tour of NBC’s production studio in Stamford, Connecticut.

Great counter programming from GMA this morning:

https://twitter.com/McKaylaMaroney/status/763733675011870720