This will be a very abbreviated version of our RIO recaps due to the Eagles game. So we’re just going to focus on the incredible 45 minutes of swimming beginning at around 10 p.m. To the pool!

We’re minutes away from the big race between Michael Phelps and his evergreen (silver?) foil, Ryan Lochte. Here we find the pair enjoying each other’s company before the big showdown. Little does Lochte know that Phelps is planning his demise using next-level mind-fuckery. Poor Ryan, still looking for love, and a Gold Medal in the individual medley, thinks it’s just two buddies, hanging out, eating pasta. Swell.

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I mean, Lochte never had a shot:

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Bless him. Don’t eat the Clorox wipes, Ryan.

Then it was time to race. Here, I narrated the end for you, because we regret to inform you that Rowdy Gaines has burst all over the aquatic center and will be unable to call the finish. We wish him a speedy recovery. The race:

Truly impressive. Absolute greatness. We are watching greatness.

Credit Phelps with an understated celebration as to not rub it in Lochte’s face (do you really think it matters, Eddie?), even with this subtle finger wag-four-finger combo:

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Meanwhile, Lochte congratulates Phelps:

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Did we win, bro?

Yeah, man, we won.

Jeah!

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The Ravens paused their preseason game just to watch:

No one gets the NFL to wait for anything… except Michael Phelps.

While we wait for Phelps to quickly get into the warm down pool, get rid of his lactic acid (swimmers love using this term), get his Gold Medal, and then hop back in the pool for the semifinals of the men’s 100m butterfly, we find an unexpected classic in the women’s 100m freestyle as American Simone Manuel ties for Gold and becomes the first black woman to win an individual medal in swimming. Her face upon discovering that she’s won is pure perfection:

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Her interview with Michelle Tafoya is even better:

https://youtu.be/F8nx2a7t3mc

NBC is just salivating over these shots:

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Next it’s back to Phelps, who got his medal and then booked it to the warm room, where he had to find out what lane he was in. Things aren’t looking good for the King, who looks tired and distracted. He doesn’t get off to a great start– he’s last coming into the turn:

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Let’s see how this works out, Dan– this might be too much for Phelps to overcome. He’ll need to finish in at least the top 3 or 4 to qualify for the finals.

Hows about second?

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The man is pure animal.

After the race, while Phelps was talking to Tafoya, Chad le Clos, whom Phelps will again meet in the finals, literally pokes the tiger:

Foolish. Let’s see how this works out for le Clos. I predict that it le doesn’t.

This morning on the Today Show, Phelps’ mom and fiancee, Nicole, were on set, and were they brand aware? Oh you’re goddman right they were.

First it was Phelps’ mom teaching his fiancee proper morning show etiqutte:

And was the MP logo visible on all camera-facing surfaces? You know it:

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Sure, maybe Boomer is real, but he’s still a perfect billboard.

Until tonight, Chad.