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Welcome to Rio! The 31st Olympiad is here! The athletes are assembled, their condom machines are in-place, and Bob Costas doesn’t have any infections in his eye as competition gets underway!

A few notes: Thankfully, due to Brazil almost being in our time zone (they’re an hour ahead), many of the marquee events will be live in prime time. This is huge. The last two Olympics were aired largely on tape delay on TV, and it certainly felt like something was missing. It is damn near impossible to avoid results. Never mind the fact that part of the viewing experience nowadays includes real-time reaction on Twitter, ancillary coverage on Snapchat, and your great aunt making a slightly racist comment about the Kenyan runners on Facebook.

Besides the opening ceremony, which NBC will inexplicably broadcast on a one-hour tape delay beginning at 8 p.m. tonight, most of their prime time coverage will feature live swimming and track and field events, and late-night women’s volleyball– the scrambled porn of the summer games! I recommend just watching the prime time coverage and not complaining about it. Sure, NBC crams narratives down your throat, but it is compelling TV. And this year, since most of the major events will be aired live and NBC won’t be able to cherry pick highlights, you’ll most likely wind up with more actual sports coverage than pre-produced packages. Of the major events, only gymnastics will be broadcast on a tape delay in prime time, because it takes place in the late afternoon. You’ll have to come up with a strategy for this– either stream it live or literally put your phone in an opaque airlock for several hours, as there’s no way the results of the women’s medal events won’t find their way to you, probably through a text from said racist aunt saying something ignorant about Simone Biles.

NBC is broadcasting a ton of live coverage, but everything will streamed live online. With the exception of basketball and soccer, TV listings include multiple events that NBC cuts in and out of. So I’ve listed the best events for viewing and you can figure out how to watch them. For more on how to watch, click here.

Here’s what to watch:

8:00 a.m.

Skip the single and double sculls rowing event at 7:30 and rather use that time to put on a pot of coffee, you’re gonna need it as we get underway with some early TABLE TENNIS to warm up our senses. Men’s and women’s prelims and first round. I have no idea who is playing and it doesn’t matter– ping pong is one of the few sports where the pro version looks absolutely nothing like the recreational version, so just marvel at the skill… and the grunting. So intense.

8:30 a.m.

Watching more than 30 minutes of back-and-forth before your second cup of coffee will give you a phobia, so turn your attention to WOMEN’S HANDBALL between Brazil and Norway. I literally have no idea what the rules are, but here’s what shows up when you search for women’s handball:

Uh, yeah, women’s handball it is.

9:20 a.m.

Alright. It might be time to hop in some cold water, so let’s head on over to the pool for MEN’S WATER POLO. The US men are in the pool. Sadly, I don’t believe Doc Emrick is calling it this year, but this is always one of the more underrated events of the games. Bonus viewing experience for the ladies.

10:30 a.m.

WOMEN’S VOLLEYBALL. China vs. ah who cares, you’ll get to see tall Chinese women and try to determine what horomone cocktail they’ve been taking since birth to get like that.

11 a.m.

WOMEN’S BEACH VOLLEYBALL ALERT! A twofer! Australia vs. Costa Rica at 11, and

12 p.m.

Spain vs. Argentina at 12.

1:30 p.m.

You’ve now spent roughly three hours staring at tall women in tight clothes jumping around and rolling in the sand with deep, deep wedgies… let’s bring balance to the force with small men with high voices and turn on MEN’S GYMNASTICS. The USA is in action, and just remember, all of these small, screechy men are stronger and probably have more sex than you. Let that sink in for a moment.

2:30 p.m.

Fuck those guys, let’s head back to the beach for more WOMEN’S BEACH VOLLEYBALL— Brazil vs. Czech Republic. I guarantee you one of those Brazilian chicks is banging a male gymnast– how much does that piss you off?

3:30 p.m.

MEN’S BEACH VOLLEYBALL. Jake Gibb and Casey Patterson of the USA are in action against fucking Qatar, or is it Cutter? Who cares. USA! USA!

4 p.m.

WOMEN’S SOCCER. Team USA vs. France. Must-watch.

6 p.m.

MEN’S BASKETBALL. Team USA vs. China. Must-watch.

8 p.m.

Prime time coverage begins. What to look for: Swimming medal events begin at 9 and KERRI WALSH JENNINGS and April Ross in women’s beach volleyball at 11. Sadly, no May-Walsh this year, but that’s OK– Kerri is back and going for gold again.