A Recap of Bryan Colangelo’s Awful Press Conference

Good grief. What a doozy of a press conference Bryan Colanglo held today. It was a long, at times rambling, account of all things Sixers. Colangelo seemed anxious and fidgety at first, but settled in and even rebuffed a PR staffer and forged ahead, collars out, when they called for the last question. At one point he heard an Amber Alert go off and wished the victim well.

Colangelo announced that Ben Simmons would miss the remainder of the season and that Joel Embiid would miss at least four more games. He said the Sixers had discussed signing Ersan Ilyasova to essentially a one-year extension, but couldn’t make it work with his agent. Colangelo spoke for a solid 10 minutes before he even broached the Noel trade.

I’m exhausted from blogging the Sixers’ BS over the past few days, so here’s a brief breakdown, likely riddled with typos, of some of the doublespeak put forth by Colangelo that I feverishly transcribed like a Muppet masturbating at 2X speed:


On the return haul for Nerlens Noel: “Obviously very likely to be two seconds…[the first round pick] is heavily protected… we’re realists, and we’re looking at the value of the pick as two seconds.”

No shit. Thanks for being honest. Whoever wrote the press release, or sent out this Tweet, or updated the website, and called it, in no uncertain terms, a first round pick, wasn’t so forthcoming.

This is why, in a way, I feel bad for Colangelo. He’s working for a regime that seemingly values this sort of misinformation, but as the GM, he has to fall on the sword. I doubt the person who decided to call it a “first round pick” reports to Colangelo. This shit is on Scott O’Neil.

That said, Colangelo doesn’t seem intelligent and walked himself right into a bunch of statements that were obviously going to get ridiculed.


On the state of the team: “The plan, the vision is to build a successful and sustainable basketball program… the things that we go through on a daily basis, striving for success, striving for perfection, is unchanged. We are aspiring to win an NBA championship, and that means we’re building a program based on multi-positional talent, multi-positional skills, and championship DNA.”

Like I said earlier, some of that DNA wound up encrusted in a tissue in the trash can.


On all of the lights: “As we move forward, there’s a lot of bright things on the horizon. We’re experiencing a lot of brightness right now.”

Look over here– shiny thing. No, seriously, look over here. Just don’t ask me about the Noel deal or our mismanagement of injuries.


On yo-yo-ing Jahlil Okafor in and out of the lineup: “There was some conversation [about trading] Jahlil early, even some advanced discussions, even to the point where we took him out of a game… given that there was so much at stake.”

SO MUCH AT STAKE. That is one interpretation for why they left Okafor home. The other comes from The Ringer’s Kevin O’Connor, who says it was a ploy to generate demand for Okafor. Why do I feel like… there was nothing at all at stake?


On his eventual epitaph: “I’ve often said I wouldn’t make a bad deal, but yesterday I made the best deal that was available to us.”

That… does not inspire confidence in the deal. And it gets to the crux of the problem with the Noel trade– there wasn’t a good deal to be had, and there was no need to trade him yesterday. Sure, Colangelo explained that he didn’t think being forced to match an offer to Noel this offseason was the right move (I’ll disagree), but the fact remains that the Sixers had the flexibility to hold onto him and move him at a later date if they had to, presumably with higher demand.


More: “I think deal that was made yesterday the best deal that was available.”

Tallest midget in the circus deal.™


On the Sixers’ awful communication of injuries: “There’s such a broad spectrum of healing patterns in the human body. Everybody’s different. Genetics. Rest. Exercise. Diet. Everything plays a factor here. There’s genetic things that change the healing pattern of people.”

Did I ramble on enough for you to forget the question?

Jim: That is true for most cases, but these are 1) world-class athletes, 2) world-class doctors, 3) YOU SAID IT WAS FUCKING HEALED.


On calling Simmons’ last MRI the “final scan“: “When we said final scan, I should have said I’m hopeful this is the final scan.”

Can I get a mulligan?


On whether the previous scan showed progress: “I don’t know how to define progress to a scan, only that the [current] scan hasn’t shown full healing… it’s safe to say there was progress, but I can’t assess how much progress or to what degree.”

Sixers tweet on January 24, a day after the scan: “Simmons had planned scan in NY yesterday. Recovery progressing as expected, still no timetable for return to play.”

Seemed able to define it then.


More: “What I’ve been told is that it does continue… to I guess progress.”



On regrets: “I regret one thing– that when we talked about day-to-day progression… that following the second injury… we should have just said out indefinitely, even though the treatment was still day-to-day. But the fact that there was still uncertainty, I’ll own that…”

Oh, wow, contrition. Tha..

“… the 2-3 week comment – I think I know where that came from – there was a lot of discussion, and despite the fact that we were saying day-to-day treatment and evaluation, 2-3 weeks may have been mentioned as a possible, as a possible… to say that publicly might not have been the best thing at the time, because I’ve also been told it could be 4-6 weeks for a bone bruise to heal… sometimes a bone bruise will stay on scan for 6-8 weeks.”


On most definitely not deceiving fans: “But there’s never been any effort to deceive fans, to mislead fans… everything is explainable. But injuries are unpredictable is the best way I can describe them.”

Unpredictable is one thing. Lying about the results of MRIs is another.


On the market for Jahlil Okafor: “Because of his rookie scale contract and because of the value of having two more years vs. being a restricted free agent [like Noel], the market for him was much more broad and arguably much more broad and conducive to doing something, but the right deal didn’t present itself, so we did not make that deal.”

Thanks, Confucius. That’s deep. Also, it doesn’t make any sense. The market for Okafor is the offer. If there’s no offer, then there’s no market. And you can’t make the deal, because it didn’t exist!


More: “The value proposition of having a rookie scale contract and two years left is what drives that… so once the deal was there for Nerlens, it made it a little more difficult to transition to trading Jahlil, but the right deal never presented itself.”

Yeah, I have no idea either.


On if he could see how fans felt misled about Embiid’s injury: “Yeah, I surely can see. But again, I’m gonna chalk that up to a frustrated young man who heard something different than he heard a week earlier… who thought he might play Friday night.”

Yep, that was Colangelo spinning the fans-being-misled question onto Embiid.


On if it was a mistake: “It was our mistake to put out day-to-day as opposed to out indefinitely. That mistake will not be made again. There’s no deceit… it’s quite simple, injuries are a hard thing to manage… you’re talking about complex injuries… high-level performers, I’m calling them our stars.”


On Simmons’ scans: “I don’t know that I could’ve [then] added more than we’re gonna revisit in a month, but I’m saying that now.”

I need a beer.

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124 Responses

    1. Why do you stupid fucking mopes give a shit what the sixers front office says?
      They aren’t going to win a championship anyway so what’s the fucking difference?
      Can’t you dumb ass front running band wagon jumping C0CK roaches get that
      through your dumb fuck heads?

      1. I fadrd yo momma’s pussy hair today. Gonna kick that runway strip up and down tonight boiiiyyyy.

    2. The high collar frames his well structured face you jealous jerkoff. That’s a handsome man packing a thick c0ck unlike you in your gym shorts playing f@g football with a 3 incher.

    3. Huge story out of Eagles camp today. Carson Wentz is working out with WRs from USC, UNC, EMU, and WMU. Also, look for the Birds to move up in the draft to get the WR Wentz likes best. Great move involving your QB in the process. Also, look for Agholor to be released this coming week.

          1. She’s black and likes to display her cans.

            (Also the only reason anyone ever gave Hallie Berry the time of day.)

    4. No nest cam video of you and your wife sitting 7 feet apart on the couch watching the Oscar’s?

  1. Man, everyone was elated after the Kings traded away Cousins . . .and then more stuff like this happens.

    Somehow the Sixers’ front office just keeps on stepping in it.


      1. Hey Andy-

        76ers CEO Scott O’Neil guaranteed No. 1 pick Ben Simmons would play this season.

        Oops! O’Neil is a disgrace and an insult to the 76ers and the NBA. He’s intentionally held his team down as the worst team in the league for years while racking up huge profits.

    1. Haha. Good one Dad. You’re clever. How about we get some ice cream this weekend?


    2. Andy,

      I once drove from 168th Street in Manhattan to downtown Philly and listened to nothing but Death of the Party on repeat the entire drive.

  2. has anyone seen spuds around? Was wondering if kids are allowed in the locker room. I’d like for my daughters to go with him next time

    1. If your daughter’s enjoy staring at pro athletes c0cks and assessing their girth then yes she is more than welcome to join Spuds.

      1. my daughters are in elementary school. I’m just trying to teach them about “tolerance”

  3. Everything is explainable if you are a lying piece of scum and you believe it.
    The deceit thats been coming out of this ownership really sours you.
    I guess those sustainable multi positional players he covets (doesn’t every team ??) are all going to be found in the second round
    Lying scum hedge fund manager who is just selling us the future with never kept promises.
    He will flip this team as soon as he finds a sucker
    P.S. Real question…….Has he been making money from the team for the past 3 years ??

  4. Keep selling those Trust The Process shirts.

    Remember you are smarter than everybody else. Only idiots don’t trust the process.

    I can’t wait until they finish with a worse record than the Kings, but then still agree to swap trade picks so that they can trade the Kings’ later pick for some second round picks.


    I’ll one of yoru shitty trust teh process shirts if you start selling
    “kyle scott wack a mole’ shirt also with a picture of you getting wacked by a sledge hammer.

    1. Maybe Sheldon should spend less time on “clever” bold fonts, and more time learning how to spell basic words.
      “I’ll one of…”?

      Shouldn’t have skipped school, Sheldon!

  6. Just goes to show how kissing assand being politically correct gets you places in life. Innes had 10x the talent of this flea. Yet he


  7. You are seriously embarrassing yourselves repeatedly and unsuccessfully attempting to come up with cute and clever ways to say that the SIxers got m*uth f*cked in the Noel deal. Noel is not that good and he will be a restricted free agent. It would be stupid for us sign a big money back up. It would be stupid for him to want to stay. It would be stupid for another team to give anything up for him unless they were a shot blocking goof away from a title this year. THERE WAS NO MARKET. If you were another team and Colangelo called and said I’ll give you Nerlens for your top 10 pick would you not tell him to get f*cked? If your answer is no, you’re an idiot.

    1. Guy retired in 99 and coached CB West not NP. Been living in Florida had the life. RIP

      1. He was a pussy. Constantly dodges scheduling PCL powerhouses in the late 80s to protect his run. Ryan, McDevitt, LaSalle, etc.

        1. Late 80’s was the last time Ryan was relevant in football. Ain’t done shit in almost 30 years. Bunch of bitches

  8. Of topic, but I’d you need to make yourself throw up, Google impacted teeth images. There’s some sh!t to be seen

  9. I said metatarsal fractures are a muthafuqa. I jacked up my middle toe, and Simmons did his pinkie aka Jones fracture which allegedly is way worse.
    He’ll still feel it come next October but he should be able to play.
    Speaking on experience.

  10. This organization is a god damn shot show.

    Run Brett run

    The NBA sucks, the sixers ownership sucks, and the management sucks.

    1. Noel Coward plays have run for weeks at Walnut Street Theater. Netkens Noel played 8 minutes with Joel Embiid.

  11. His name is not ‘Coangelo’, ya dumb fuck. And stop being an apologist for the org in eye zation.

    1. Dumb fuck!

      Comes here to rip someone else’s spelling of a name, then misspells “his own” screen name. TWICE!

  12. STRAIGHT CASH HOMIE Keep buying my shitty products you all are fing Dopes in the biggest sense!!!! There’s no loyalty in sports anymore!! Every owner in this city loves money no championships!!!!Best wishes He He

  13. You guys ever hear of Tinder? They all keep messaging me to hook up. They’re into middle aged wannabe white rappers

    1. Shander is the worst radio host in Philadelphia right now. Brings absolutely nothing to the table every time he’s on. No knowledge opinion or common sense to make a logical point when it comes to sports. Go back to New York and take a jog into on coming traffic.

  14. why the fuck doesnt 975 put mayes/martinez on in the morning instead of fat cuz?

    would be cheaper and pull in the same rating if not beat him. gargano show unbearable EYTAN sucks MCW w h o r e

  15. They won against the Wizards as big underdogs but the Kings won yesterday so all the Sixers did was hurt their own draft position. Kings still have a 3 game lead Sixers.


    1. and you played worse than McNabb did in his Super Bowl appearance; yet you’re considered a hero. where’s the justice?

      even Fat Cuz was ripping McNabb one day about his performance in the Super Bowl when somebody brought up Jaws and Fat Cuz just mumbled something incoherent, because he refuses to be true. F’ng kiss ass

  17. Breaking: Joel Embid will most likely not play again this season!

    Per my sources the 76ers will not put Joel Embid back on the floor again this season unless the partial tear of his meniscus is” fully healed”..

    There is a high likelihood at this point that won’t happen and once Joel is shut down for the season he will have further surgery to repair the partial tear of the meniscus.

    Once the repair is done Joel would be sidelined for two to three months with the goal of having him return under limited minutes for the preseason.

    He would not play back to back in any preseason games and the decision will be made at that time whether the back to back restrictions will extend into the season.

    1. Money,” the businessman says. “Numbers.”

      He remembers Harris calling several people to a business meeting at his home in New York a few springs ago. The meeting went on for some eight or 10 hours, and Harris didn’t offer so much as a glass of water to the others — merely because, the businessman assumes, it never occurred to him they might get thirsty. Money. Numbers. They’re all-consuming.

      1. Josh Harris has gotten very rich through private equity investing, specializing in distressed businesses. He zooms in on a company going bankrupt, enlists investors to pick up the debt for cents on the dollar, and often makes an astounding return after downsizing or restructuring said company. In fact, his firm, Apollo, is so good at this that Forbes anointed the investment in chemical manufacturer LyondellBasell Industries the greatest in the history of Wall Street, after Apollo, a major player in the deal, turned a $2 billion investment into $12 billion.

        1. The sort of guy who can pull off deal-making on that level is not quite at home in the world the rest of us inhabit. A business partner remembers a meeting a few years ago in Harris’s New York office, which hovers over Central Park.

          “Wow, Josh,” the businessman gushed, taking in the view. “This is awesome. This is really a sweet spot.”

          Harris stared, blank-faced, as if there was nothing to say to that. The businessman wondered if he’d offended him. But he soon realized — Harris has no desire, the businessman says, to get to know other people, outside of whatever deal is on the table. He’s guarded, protective, doesn’t share himself. (He declined through a team spokesman to speak for this piece.) Harris doesn’t ask others questions about themselves. So what is he interested in?

          “Money,” the businessman says. “Numbers.”

          1. Money,” the businessman says. “Numbers.”

            He remembers Harris calling several people to a business meeting at his home in New York a few springs ago. The meeting went on for some eight or 10 hours, and Harris didn’t offer so much as a glass of water to the others — merely because, the businessman assumes, it never occurred to him they might get thirsty. Money. Numbers. They’re all-consuming.

  18. Your update on how collectively bad Josh Harris’ teams are…. rocking that 37% win percentage!

    W L T Total
    Sixers 22 35 57
    Devils 25 35 60
    Crystal Palace 5 16 4 25

    52 86 4 142
    37% 61% 3% 100%

    1. Well MCW and that fat grease ball should be executed, but not to be replaced by Rob E.

  19. Blame Harris.
    Blame Colangelo.

    Just don’t blame the guy that acquired useless ‘assets’ and never built a team.

    When your plan is ‘hope we get lucky’ – you have no plan.

      1. Morning: pop pop is killing fake south philly
        Mid day: nobody cares
        Afternoon drive: Missanelli’s B team is killing carlin & ike

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