Sixers

Marcus Hayes Has Managed to Have the Worst Take of All-Time

By Jim Adair

Published: Feb 22nd, 2017 · 3:07 PM EST

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I think we may be watching Marcus Hayes’ mind unravel. In just 15 days (and over the span of only five games), he has gone from why the rush to trade Jahlil Okafor to FUCK JAHLIL OKAFOR. Let’s go step-by-step.

Step 1. Trading him is bad (February 7):

The point: Young centers take years to reach their potential.

The relevance: The Sixers have three young centers: Nerlens Noel, Joel Embiid and Jahlil Okafor. They control all three for at least one more season.

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At no point this season did they have a serious chance of reaching the playoffs, and had even less of a chance of winning a playoff series, regardless of what type of player they added to their lineup by trading one of the Big Three.

The deadline is Feb. 23. Why consider trading any of them?

Frankly, it seems foolish to consider trading any of them at any point in the past or the near future.

Step 2. Trading him is good (February 8):

Embiid has played 31 games at a dizzyingly high level. Simmons clearly is a savant. Really, what will playing a handful games in 2017 mean if it jeopardizes the team’s chances in 2021?

Besides, there are a couple of beneficial by products if the Sixers limit (or shelve) Simmons and/or Embiid for the rest of this season.

First, they would be able to better showcase Jahlil Okafor, their lumbering second-year center whose artistic offensive game does not compensate for his dispassionate play on defense and on the boards. The Sixers want to trade him, but they want a decent return; after all, he was the No. 3 overall pick in 2015. When Embiid plays, Okafor does not. When Okafor sits, his trade value decreases.

Step 3. Okafor is a piece of shit (February 22):

[Okafor is] a true Hinkie product: He’s tanking himself.

This is a tough-guy city that revels in its Rocky Balboa persona. Dr. J choked Larry Bird. Allen Iverson took on Dennis Rodman. Charles Barkley fought Bill Laimbeer (and, for other towns, Shaquille O’Neal and Charles Oakley).

Okafor fights punks on Boston streets. He will dunk on Rudy Gobert on consecutive possessions then disappear for 10 minutes, or 10 days. More and more, he plays like he’s made of porcelain, with all the backbone of gefilte fish…

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Don’t get trader’s remorse at the last minute, enchanted by his elegant offensive skills. Don’t fall in love all over again with his big frame. He has exceptional talent and perfect size, but Philadelphia scorns the Bobby Abreus and James van Riemsdyks. They aren’t bad guys, and Okafor isn’t a bad guy, but if you’re not going hard into the corner then you don’t belong in Philly, pal. Okafor can take his one-dimensional game and his empty chest cavity and make his big money somewhere else.

Jim: We wrote about the first two columns before (the second one in a post that didn’t go up, actually) so let’s start with the most recent one. What. The. Shit? Hayes, who blamed Okafor’s fight in Boston on a lack of a decent point guard(!!!), now uses it as a crutch to beat Okafor over the head with?

He does have talent and good size, Marcus. But those are the exact reasons you said the Sixers shouldn’t trade him 15 goddamn days ago. Am I imagining this? I’m so lost right now. I feel like Wayne Campbell when his ex-girlfriend tried to give him a gun rack:

Kyle: HOLY FUCKING SHIT! This is the take to end all takes. The takes stop here. Honest to God, if I thought Marcus was smarter, I’d swear this was parody. The Rocky sentence can’t possibly be real. It just can’t. He couldn’t have possibly used gefilte fish as a punchline twice in the same column. TWICE IN THREE PARAGRAPHS! I live in the weeds and even I’m grossed out by whatever this is. It’s borderline libelous. He called him pal! The guy actually posited (incorrectly) that the Sixers should keep Okafor (all three centers) and then thought no one would notice when he wrote a drive-by hit piece on the same player, questioning the contents of his anatomy and running him out of town for being a spineless asshole, two weeks later? What makes it worse is that Okafor has actually handled himself pretty well throughout all of this. He hasn’t even punched anyone this year! Really, this is bad. I don’t even have snark. This is remarkably brutal. It’s proof that unions keep unqualified shitheads employed. There is not an ounce of substance to this slop, and worse, the guy who wrote it directly contradicts his own shitty opinions. You just have to read it for yourself. It’s that bad. It is, without hyperbole, maybe the worst column of all-time. Read it here.