The Sixers Want You To Check Out This VERY SPECIAL OFFER

Kyle Scott - April 17, 2017

STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW! The Sixers have a very important, can’t-miss opportunity to tell you about! This is an email they sent out today, AND YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY GOING TO WANT TO READ IT!

When I first saw it after a reader forwarded it to me, I just assumed that it was yet another self-congratulatory partnership announcement email or release. But no, no. It is a partnership announcement that includes A VERY SPECIAL OFFER:

Meet the team behind the fastest growing fitness franchise in the world. Learn how F45 is changing lives through their innovative training, and watch a brief presentation on how simple it is to get involved. The Sixers Dancers will demonstrate how we train in the studios, and the F45 team will take you through this incredible investment opportunity. To celebrate this partnership, you are invited to join us at the Philadelphia 76ers Training Complex on Saturday, April 22nd for a free showcase event. You’ll witness F45 Training firsthand, and learn how you can invest $150K to earn $600K per year.

I asked the emailer if he was a luxury suite rights holder or some sort of VIP, because the average fan would never be lucky enough to get presented with this sort of can’t-miss, affordable(!) $150k gym investment opportunity. But nope– our emailer is just guy – A LUCK GUY – with a 10-game plan who now has the opportunity of a lifetime, explained to him on the email’s landing page by none other than Sixers superstar Joel Embiid, who absolutely wasn’t forced to give this pitch at gunpoint:

Credit to the Sixers for figuring out how to cut out the middlemen that are in those crummy Apple Vacations reps running FREE VACATION slash timeshare sweepstakes at The Center. Not even Sam Hinkie could’ve predicted that Scott O’Neil would be this generous in his quest to separate the hardworking people of the Delaware Valley from their wallets. Why let another business abuse solicit totally value your fans, when you can do it yourself? I mean, the average sports fan is certain to have success investing their life savings in a gym, because it worked for NBA star and millionaire Harrison Barnes:

Voila_Capture 2017-04-17_11-02-09_AM

TELL ME MORE!

Join us in the new Philadelphia 76ers Training Center on Saturday, April 22nd where you’ll witness F45 Training firsthand, and learn how you can profit from this exciting opportunity!

Meet the team behind the fastest growing fitness franchise in the world. Learn how F45 is changing lives through our innovative training, and watch a brief presentation on how simple it is to get involved. Our team will demonstrate how we train in the studios, take you through this incredible investment, and be on hand throughout the evening to answer all your questions.

You’ll also get a chance to meet a Philadelphia 76ers legend and the famous Sixers Dancers.

OH BOY, THE FAMOUS SIXERS DANCERS! If there’s anyone you should take business investment advice from, it’s definitely NBA dancers! You know what the ROI is on their hair extensions and breast enlargement procedures? It’s… whatever the Sixers pay their dancers. Which isn’t much. But never mind all that! The Sixers want to thank you, the passionate, hard-working fan, with this exclusive, limited-time opportunity to blow your money on yet another one of their sponsor’s questionable offerings so Joshua Harris can stuff his wallet so fucking fat that he’ll need a spine adjustment, performed by the fine folks at The Rothman Institute at Jefferson, brought to you by Draft Kings, Party Poker, and the New Jersey Devils! And while you’re at it, don’t miss your chance to get cool Team Dignitas e-sports swag. Sign up here!

The Sixers are the worst.

36 Comments

  • Bob April 17, 2017 at 11:51 am

    I have a large c0ck!!!

    Reply
    • Jackie Robinson fact you were not told this weekend April 17, 2017 at 11:55 am

      Robinson was benched in the pivotal Game 7 vs Yankees in 1955 for poor play. So in the only World Series the Brooklyn Dodgers won, Jackie was riding the pines.
      Johnny Podres pitched a 2-0 shutout while the overrated Robinson was relegated to the dugout.

      Reply
    • EROCK April 17, 2017 at 12:13 pm

      This jawn is whack.

      Reply
      • Texas Tommy April 17, 2017 at 12:33 pm

        Hey EROCK you still creppin’ on Natalie Egenolf? Time to come clean bra.

        Reply
        • MEXICAN TIME SHARE SALESMAN April 17, 2017 at 1:29 pm

          HEY GRINGO COME SEE MY TIME SHARE INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY AND YOU GET PUT IN THE MIX FOR FOR A DELUXE PACKAGE OF 76ERS GAME TICKETS!

          Reply
        • dave spadaro April 17, 2017 at 1:36 pm

          You know ERock is hung like a mouse right?

          Reply
          • Nick Kayal April 17, 2017 at 2:34 pm

            Who, the same EROCK who was born, raised and still lives in NJ, yet, claims to be Mr. Philadelphia. That EROCK? Him and Sean Brace should take a very long walk so they can listen to their rap music and talk like uneducated fools and never return.

    • Dan Griffoni April 17, 2017 at 12:33 pm

      Prove it!

      Reply
  • Jon April 17, 2017 at 11:58 am

    I got the same email despite having never bought any sort of ticket package. Horrible look for the Sixers

    Reply
  • Shut it Down April 17, 2017 at 11:59 am

    This makes about as much sense as Kyles subscription service.

    Reply
  • SAM LOMBARDO April 17, 2017 at 12:00 pm

    I’m 150k in debt – will they accept the rights to my debt in exchange for this? I will pay it off very quickly once I make 650k per year from this can’t-miss opportunity.

    Reply
  • GMKevv April 17, 2017 at 12:03 pm

    And i just had to answer a survey on canned Tomatoes on your site. Companies advertise, have partnerships, get over it.

    Reply
  • Sam Lombardo April 17, 2017 at 12:03 pm

    Sounds too good to be true, I need to get in on the ground floor here.

    Reply
  • Sixers Season Ticket Holder April 17, 2017 at 12:11 pm

    Josh Harris, please just sell the team and collect 500 mill on your investment.

    I know this doesn’t have to do with the post but Sixers tickets have increased across the board for ALL perspective new season ticket holders. Every price level is more than last year for new season ticket holders and it’ll get a hell of a lot worse. The pricing chart says “PRICING SUBJECT TO CHANGE”. Believe me they plan on changing the price of tickets multiple times this offseason depending on the lottery, the draft, and free agency. I had a rep tell me “secure your price now because we may see 3 separate price increases this offseason.”

    So soon the Wells Fargo Center could be like Oracle Area where the everyday fan can’t get in the building. I hope 20,000 shitty fitness center owners don’t sit on their hands.

    Reply
    • Some A-hole in NJ April 19, 2017 at 12:57 pm

      Exactly. I am mystified why so much angst is directed at Colangelo. He does as he is told and gets his marching orders from Scott O’Neil and Josh Harris.

      Josh Harris is nothing less than a modern-day shylock who manages the Sixers no different than other PE investment he owns. He is a scumbag as are most of the PE guys I have interacted with professionally.

      Reply
  • Kyle Scott's Dad April 17, 2017 at 12:24 pm

    I would love to get in on this deal, but sadly my son talked me into financing his t-shirt business. I now have a garage full of apparel that reads “Bang” and “Wentzadelphia” that has been collecting dust since day one.

    Reply
  • Cecily tynan's worn broad street run panties April 17, 2017 at 12:29 pm

    Don’t know what this article says but I’d love to lick the sweat off that chick in the pic

    Reply
    • Dan Griffoni April 17, 2017 at 12:36 pm

      What about the guy?

      Reply
  • Look out Delco Robbie is out April 17, 2017 at 12:42 pm

    Anything on Lil Robbie E getting tough on twitter because Deadspin posted about their stupid conversation?

    Reply
    • Innes' Failed Diet April 17, 2017 at 1:23 pm

      Man, Hogan must have taken every last dollar from that company. How else do you explain Dan McQuade writting for them (not that the rest are much better)? Seriously, that guy is on the same level as Jim Adair when it comes to hack writers.

      Reply
  • Rain man April 17, 2017 at 12:43 pm

    Definitely not K mart definitely not k mart.
    Gotta watch Wapner gotta watch Wapner.

    Reply
  • Lol fuq outta here April 17, 2017 at 12:49 pm

    F45 – guaranteed to have you hampered with soft tissue injuries in 45 days or less! F45 aka Fuqed-in 45

    Reply
    • Toni Kukoc best European player ever to come to the NBA April 17, 2017 at 2:07 pm

      Thanks KS again for your support you fucking loser.

      Reply
  • Brad the 24 year old tinder stud April 17, 2017 at 12:51 pm

    Had sex with 3 women this weekend

    Ghosted 2 of them. Love reading their angry texts on Monday when they realized Brad ghosted them. They weren’t upset when I was shooting my load down their throat

    Brad out

    Reply
  • 4 for 4 people are losers April 17, 2017 at 1:15 pm

    Did the cuz say anything about mcw this morning???

    Reply
    • Toddler heap driving school April 17, 2017 at 1:30 pm

      Yeah he did, that she was a valuable asset but the station had to cut costs

      Reply
      • Toni Kukoc best European player ever to come to the NBA April 17, 2017 at 2:15 pm

        Thanks again for your support you fucking loser.

        Reply
  • king of all gms April 17, 2017 at 1:28 pm

    God I hate this organization.

    Sixers ownership is trash, sixes management is trash, and the NBA is pure shit.

    Reply
  • love doing drugs all the time April 17, 2017 at 1:30 pm

    Anything from Glass Mask?

    Reply
    • blue velvet cheeks April 17, 2017 at 1:38 pm

      yea man. he is chillin man. just fucking jiving man. you know?

      Reply
  • Jillian mele's bleached asshole April 17, 2017 at 1:52 pm

    Sixers ownership and management are scumbags

    Reply
  • BREAKING April 17, 2017 at 2:17 pm

    Cleveland Shooter spotted in Fairmount Park!

    Reply
    • Phils need to sign that jap and Harper in 2018 April 17, 2017 at 2:23 pm

      That fat black guy who looks like suge knight?

      Reply
  • Canned tomato survey April 17, 2017 at 3:49 pm

    Whats worse? The sixers f45 training or kyles canned tomato survey?

    Reply
  • The area is overrun with fitness clubs April 17, 2017 at 9:15 pm

    Most of them aren’t showing a profit.

    Reply
  • madalin stunt cars 2 April 18, 2017 at 3:07 am

    Hey EROCK you still creppin’ on Natalie Egenolf? Time to come clean bra.

    Reply
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