Rhys Hoskins Is More Of A Man Than Me, You, All Of Us

Photo credit: Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

Rhys Hoskins continues to do crazy shit on a baseball field. I guess that’s a somewhat elementary way to describe what we’re witnessing right now, but, I mean, come on, we’re out of superlatives here.

Last night, Hoskins saw 10 total pitches during his first two plate appearances, didn’t swing at a single one, and drew two walks.

Did he demonstrate a patient and mature approach that’s completely disproportionate to his actual experience? Indeed. But what he really did was lull the unsuspecting Marlins into a false sense of security. By the time the rookie strolled to the plate in the 7th inning, Miami reliever Dustin McGowan actually convinced himself that Hoskins wouldn’t become the fastest player ever to hit his 15th career home run.



The homer helped ignite a Phillies rally that appeared to result in a game-winning two-run single by Hyun-soo Kim, but Cesar Hernandez was inexplicably thrown out at the plate despite having easily beat the throw from Giancarlo Stanton:

Typically, such a play would serve as a harsh reminder that when I die I’ll almost certainly regret the time I’ve wasted watching this shit. I mean, you can’t make this stuff up. No less than 75% of his body actually slid past the plate before the tag, except that he…didn’t…touch…the…plate.

Some wasted Barbasol and Gatorade bath aside, the blunder was actually a good thing–a gift from the baseball gods, if you will. And that gift arrived the very next inning when Rhys Hoskins continued to show opposing pitchers that he’s more of a man than they are–than all of us are, really.

How absurd is this all? Hoskins now has 16 homers in 139 plate appearances, good for one homer every 8.69 times he comes to the plate. Meanwhile, Giancarlo Stanton has 54 homers in 617 plate appearances. That’s a homer every 11.43 plate appearances. If you take Hoskins’ homer rate and play it out over 617 plate appearances, he would have 71 home runs.

Or, take a look at this little nugget. Is this good?

You’re damn right it is. And, oh, by the way, the Phillies won the game 9-8 in 15th inning after a Nick Williams double scored Aaron Altherr. Williams, who had three hits last night, is now batting .292, sports an .849 OPS, and has knocked in 47 runs in his first 65 games. Maybe I’ll get around to a deep dive on Williams when I’m done slobbering over Hoskins, but, uh, that might not happen anytime soon.


14 Responses

  1. Still no comment about race-baiter J. Hill making completely unfounded and disgraceful comments about the President, huh? What if someone called the savior Obama a racist — would there be consequences? I would think so. How is this different?

      1. Tell me about it. The same company dropped me for being critical of the president but I’m a white man so I was atomically wrong.

    1. Nothing on Trump’s crusade to prove that Obama wasn’t born in America because of his name? Go watch Hannity you loser

  2. If [email protected] wins today they will have tied [email protected] for the most wins in a row since 1935. Think about it. No team in MLB has won that many games in a row 82 years. Everyone who has seen Money Ball remembers the movie covering [email protected]’s 20 game winning streak. Today [email protected] can break that record. This team is more than capable of winning it all. The postseason is completely unpredictable. Some team like [email protected] could get hot and win it all. That still won’t take away this amazing streak.

    Have to use the @ because stupid auto censor flags comments with name of cities in them even if you praise them.

    1. Provincial Philly fans could care less that an 82 year old record is about to be tied.

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