Bird Droppings: Bombs Away

What a delicious and truly tasty win. For real, I want to lick it. Not like that fucking freak, Dolphins offensive line coach Chris Foerster wants to lick a stripper’s hoo-ha, but in a friendly way, like a dog warmly greeting you with a smooch on the nose and oh, did you have beef while you were out? WHERE DID YOU GET THE BEEF? OHHHHH BOY I WANT SOME OF THAT BEEF!

The Eagles are slowly, but surely, like an effective Doug Pederson offense, proving to us that they are among the best teams in the conference. Wins over the Redskins, Giants, Chargers and Cardinals aren’t exactly enough to print those Super Bowl tickets, but it’s encouraging that the Eagles are improving and, yesterday, demolished an opponent as the heavy favorites.

I thought the Cardinals’ defense was good enough to STYMIE the Eagles’ running attack and force them into some bad offensive habits. I predicted the Eagles would lose a low-scoring affair, 19-15. I’ll wear that like a mark, a mission, a brand, a scar. If Love Ertz, then Blount Scars. And he continued to do so yesterday with a 14-carry, 74-yard performance, good for an average of 5.2 yards per rush.

To be fair (to me), the Eagles’ early offensive outburst was helped greatly by their field position. On their first three touchdown drives, they started at the 46, 36, and the (Cardinals) 15, respectively. I suspect that without those luxuries, they wouldn’t have jumped out to a 21-0 lead, which had the added benefit of forcing Arizona to all but abandon their dreadful-without-David-Johnson running game and rely on 402-year-old Carson Palmer, who hasn’t been good since Larry Fitzgerald took one into the end zone in overtime against the Packers in the playoffs two seasons ago. Spending the offseason learning how to fall should be a sign that it’s time to hang ’em up. As such, this game script was written so unabashedly in the Eagles’ favor that even EL James would’ve been like yeah, OK, it was one thing for Ana’s friend to get sick before the big interview, but it’s another thing entirely to go up 21 against an aged quarterback on the road playing an effective 11 a.m. start time. We should take out that Burner punt return to keep things realistic. Does anyone have a whip?

But all those things did happen, and an effective offense, which has progressed and earned its Deep Ball and Slant Route stripes the past two weeks, made the Cardinals pay. The defense and special teams put the offense in a position to succeed, and then they dropped the hammer once the lead was secured. It’s hard to imagine a better team win.

So where does this put the Eagles in the NFC?

They have yet to play the Packers, Cowboys or Falcons, arguably the three best teams in the conference. They’ll play the Panthers on Thursday night to cement the fourth team. But you can only play the games you’re given, and the Eagles are 4-1. The Redskins and Cardinals aren’t total dog shit, and there’s also this:

But the NFL doesn’t run on an Elo system, so being “slightly worse” than the Chiefs and “substantially better” than the Cardinals has no bearing on upcoming tougher matchups.

For me, this season will come down to whether the Eagles are better than the Cowboys. If the Eagles game was the entrée yesterday, then the Cowboys game was the dessert. Or perhaps the Eagles game was the appetizer and the Cowboys game was the entrée, because the Packers-Cowboys tilt was one for the ages. I could watch a full season of those two teams playing each other. There is genuine star power on both sides of the ball, and Aaron Rodgers is an absolute freak. One of the best ever. He is so much fun to watch that today I feel like gushing over him more than Wentz. And his heroics might mean more to the Eagles. The two-game lead over the Cowboys is a HUGE deal. Throw in the possibility of Ezekiel Elliott missing the next six games, including the Eagles game, and it seems even larger.

Still, this season will come down to whether the Eagles are better than the Cowboys, on the field. That is what will get them in the playoffs. We’ll worry about the Falcons and Packers later.

I can’t put the Eagles ahead of either, though. Rodgers it too good, and the Falcons are supremely talented. But with the Eagles beating up on lesser opponents, the pecking order is becoming more clear. The Eagles are working their way up the ladder, like a simplistic video game structure– this week they will take on the Panthers for fourth place, and in a few weeks they’ll take on the Cowboys for third.

As far as stats go, the Eagles have some impressive ones:

Think how far they’ve come since Chip Kelly, who was actually allergic to time.

That… is some good company.

This is even more impressive. Carson Wentz is a damned wizard on third downs. If he were Sam Bradford, he’d be:

Let’s do more because I’m having fun:

The Eagles are ninth in passing yards per game (259).

They are fifth in rushing yards per game (138).

They are second in total plays run (345), just one behind the Cardinals.

The are ninth in yards per play (5.8).

They are third in first downs per game (23), just behind the Patriots and Chiefs.

They are first in time of possession (35:32), a full two minutes ahead of the second place team.

And this is for a team whose defense is considered its strong point. They are middle-of-the-pack in most defensive categories, but they’ve clearly dictated play on many occasions this year, not to mention they’ve played the last two games without arguably their two best defensive players.

 

Celebration

How horned up were you to see the Eagles’ baseball touchdown celebration followed by the Mike Trout sighting?

That was the NFL equivalent of an 80-second porn trailer.

Apparently the baseball idea was Alshon Jeffery’s, because he wanted the Eagles to hit home run plays. Truly awesome.

Rhy Hoskins weighing in was just the icing on this two-sport three-way:

 

Tom Petty

Moments later, the Linc rocked to Tom Petty:

I Won’t Back Down won the weekend. Between Jason Aldean’s brilliant and fitting performance during the cold open on SNL, the Florida Gators blaring it during their game, and the Eagles following suit on Sunday, the song became a rallying cry for a nation without being contrived. It was all kind of moving, really.

 

Former Five

Jesus Christ Donovan McNabb got fat. But he remains the king of back-handed compliments:

And now here he is pretending to not secretly resent Carson Wentz:

Still, good to see McNabb back (and sober). All good vibes at the Linc yesterday.

 

Agholor

Nelson Agholor did the best thing he’s ever done yesterday and his fall into the end zone was a tribute to DeSean Jaccson:

Wat it do baby one time !!

 

Announcers

Chris Myers stinks. I hate his face. The Kenjon Burner mistake was fun, but he said a bunch of things that made little sense. Daryl Johnson was only marginally better, but him continually saying “Allshon Jeffery” made me want to vomit. I can’t wait for Tony Romo on Thursday night. I can’t believe I just wrote that.

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9 Responses

  1. Did you see Hunrybox win that Smash Melee Tournament this weekend? He was sick.

    Oh and that Carston to Nelson TD pass with the little stutter step at the end…?! I nearly fell over. Boy oh Boy we are going to the playoffs!

  2. i love when anorexic twigs like Kyle call someone fat because they don’t look like they’re HIV infected like him. I can’t stand Mcnabb but the guy would run circles around you and rip your head off.

  3. McNabb literally gets ripped for anything he says. This city is so sensitive. There wasn’t one thing wrong with what he said a month ago or what he said yesterday. But I guess you gotta hate on someone when guys like Jaws and Buddy Ryan are treated like Brady and Belichick here.

  4. your desean gimmick has never been funny and is borderline racist….for the love of god stop doing it

  5. this week’s game should be a good test of where they are in the NFC. Carolina has been playing pretty good so far, so we’ll see what happens. That being said, I like the Eagles chances! Right now, I would have to give the nod to the Packers as the #1 team in the NFC, but their defense is not good. Atlanta, ok, but they barely beat the Lions, and should have lost to the Bears at home. Seattle, not the same team, but still dangerous. The Cowboys, still pretty good….lost a heart breaker to Rodgers, which a lot of teams have done, but getting spanked at home by the Rams? not good. Tampa Bay…decent, but a lot of hype. So I would rank the Eagles in the top 5 right now….weak schedule has helped, but 4-1 is 4-1!

    1. Since we are rating things, i’d have to give your girlfriend a 6/10.
      If she lost that double bubble gut, then i’d bump that up to a 6.5.

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