Don’t Pray for Dolphins Fans, They’re Already Dead

Poor Miami Dolphins fans. First the franchise loses its young, FINALLY successful quarterback Ryan Tannehill when he shredded every ligament in his knee during a non-contact play in training camp. THEN they decided to replace him with a barely coherent and decidedly uninterested Jay Cutler, who likely spent all off-season ripping Marlboro Reds and “training” for his new job as an announcer for CBS. Surprisingly, that well-thought-out move has not been a good one, to the tune of Cutler averaging 165 yards per game with only seven touchdowns, five interceptions, and 8 million blank-faced stares as he wondered why he decided to come out of retirement for this. FOR THIS.

Their offensive line coach took a video of himself allegedly snorting rails of cocaine to impress a stripper that was PROMPTLY released to social media…which may not even be the most embarrassing thing to happen to the franchise in the month of October, considering they just traded an All-Pro running back who is only 24 years old and under contract next season for $765,000.

Oh yeah, and there was a hurricane in there somewhere as well. That sucked.

Sorry, Miami. It’s been a rough Fall for everyone involved…so lets continue to pile on, shall we? Lets take a look at some of the most tortured Tweets from this morning from our friends down in the Sunshine State after the jump.

Combing through the wails and great gnashing of teeth from Miami fans, a certain theme became very obvious. See if you can figure it out:

That last one from Steven is my favorite. Just a simple, defeated answer for an incredibly obvious question.

Miami fans love making cocaine jokes almost as much as their offensive line coach actually likes (allegedly) DOING cocaine. It is addicting. It’s a fun word to say and it’s a fun word to type. Is it more fun to actually make jokes about cocaine than it is to actually do it? Excuse me a moment…

::Buys cocaine from a sweet hookup, rips two long, fat lines::

OHHHHHHH GOD, NO, NO IT IS MUCH MORE FUN TO ACTUALLY DO COCAINE. I WAS WRONG.

WE HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME.

God, is that what it’s like to read something in all caps? I apologize. I promise not to use that cliched writing technique until at least three paragraphs from now.

I think “40-year-old alcoholics with nothing better do” is the majority fan base that goes to games for just about every franchise.

Do you hear that? It sounds like a desperate clawing noise…someone trying to cling to the notion that the Dolphins actually got a good return for a Pro-Bowl running back instead of “calling it what it is” … a poorly thought out message by head coach Adam Gase to get an under-achieving team to play better.

Bonus points for the sweet fedora though.

Oh god….this isn’t fun anymore. I’m depressed. VERY depressed. Rope sales must be up 5,000% at Miami-based Home Depots this morning.

I need something to make me feel better…

Translation: Ajayi and Blount together, OLE !!! Great backfield next to Smallwood. The Eagles are very scary

Yes, yes that will do quite nicely. OLE!

Share on facebook
Facebook
Share on twitter
Twitter
Share on linkedin
LinkedIn
Share on email
Email

26 Comments

  • lon October 31, 2017 at 1:44 pm

    at least the players have a great nightlife scene. that’s about it

  • Jason myrt October 31, 2017 at 1:56 pm

    I invented the Doug P Stunod Meter.

    • Coggin Toboggan October 31, 2017 at 2:12 pm

      Shouldn’t you be yelling about hockey on the radio and threatening to block listeners on Twitter?

  • Gregory Reese October 31, 2017 at 2:14 pm

    So I have a serious question. 1.5 years in, who would you rather have: Adam Gase, or Doug Peterson? Crazy to think that we were nutting so hard over Gase and taking poo poos all over Peterson (myself included), and here we are now realizing how much of a shitshow Miami is now (see also: forever). Not saying if the roles were reversed it would be any different, but I feel that Dougy P has been able to work this team much better than Gase could have.

    • Timmy the Trouser Trout October 31, 2017 at 6:33 pm

      Doug Peterson? Who’s that?

  • "Coggin Toboggan" makes gargano seem entertaining October 31, 2017 at 2:33 pm

    This isn’t clever, inventive or amusing in the slightest. Brutal.

    • Coggin Toboggan October 31, 2017 at 2:43 pm

      Thanks for reading, dummy.

      • Lame White Rhymes = stupid wigger October 31, 2017 at 3:10 pm

        Go back to power washing the shitters at citizen bank park.
        You’re even worse than that fuck wad cbwanker2.

        • Coggin Toboggan October 31, 2017 at 3:16 pm

          I’ll go back to power washing the shitters after I finish power washing the stink off of your filthy mom. Thanks for reading!

          • Some dude November 1, 2017 at 10:51 am

            You have firsthand knowledge that his mom stinks how exactly?

          • Coggin Toboggan November 1, 2017 at 11:05 am

            Anyone within a 50-mile radius of that slob has firsthand knowledge of her stink.

  • Liberal Cupcake October 31, 2017 at 2:52 pm

    Hurtful language to bring up the Hurricane.

    I will be making an appointment with my Psychologist to pet a doggie and draw in a coloring book to get over this mean language.

    • Coggin Toboggan October 31, 2017 at 2:58 pm

      Thoughts and prayers to you.

      • CBWANKS October 31, 2017 at 3:12 pm

        You’re obviously a victimized snowflake.
        Get your ass back to starbucks so you and your no job living at home
        buddies can figure out what to protest next.

        Does daddy make you chip in for food?
        Or do you get that free also?

        • Coggin Toboggan October 31, 2017 at 3:16 pm

          I like that you took the time to write two separate, terribly unfunny comments under two different names. Great stuff.

          • Two-Time Timmy October 31, 2017 at 6:34 pm

            I agree completely, Coggin.

  • William Rhodes October 31, 2017 at 3:08 pm

    I don’t think that people in Miami are very much into sports anyway. More into posing and clubbing and doing blow with celebs.

  • Hey, kyle: October 31, 2017 at 3:50 pm

    How much does this guy pay you to run his stuff? Whatever it is, it’s not worth it. Take a hint from the comments: readers don’t like him.

    • Coggin Toboggan October 31, 2017 at 3:57 pm

      Another dummy posting multiple comments under multiple names. I do appreciate you reading and bumping up the views. Helps me out. Go back to jerking off to old Gargano takes.

      • Kyke Scott November 1, 2017 at 7:52 am

        Oh someone thinks they’re smart and digitally savvy because WordPress automatically gives you the IP of comments. You’re lucky the dumbasses in these comments don’t get that.

        • Coggin Toboggan November 1, 2017 at 8:19 am

          I never said I was a hacker or doing anything special, dummy. Why would I be lucky if they knew that? Would I get another tongue lashing from “McNabbSux69696969” in the comments section?! OH NO.

  • rosie howman October 31, 2017 at 4:55 pm

    Personally, I like you. Keep up the good work.

  • Fred Sled October 31, 2017 at 5:27 pm

    Coggin sniffs his mom’s panties while she is in the shower! Coggin is a fraud at life ! Please kill yourself!

    • Coggin Toboggan October 31, 2017 at 5:57 pm

      Alright, this one made me chuckle.

  • Eagleye5 October 31, 2017 at 6:53 pm

    CT laying the smack down. These clowns aren’t used to someone throwing shade at them. Guarantee they are in their late 20s living in the same bedroom they grew up in and taking 3 courses at the local community college.

  • Philly Elite November 1, 2017 at 10:07 am

    “FOR THIS.”

    Sure. Ooooooor the $10 million salary.

  • Leave a Reply