INJURIES: Jordan Hicks Is Likely Done, But We’re Not Sure About Jason Peters Yet

Oh yeah, you like that? A firm ass whooping of the Redskins on Monday Night – how many times do they have to do this before the Redskins ask to stop putting them on Monday Nights against the Eagles? – and pure, unadulterated Carson Wentz sex abstinence. It was a fun romp, but it’s going to leave you with some bruises.

Jordan Hicks is done for the year with a torn Achilles. I wish I had some deep insight to add here, or a truly thoughtful take. But I’ll just break it down by saying: fuck.

Jason Peters, on the other hand (foot?), may or may not have a serious injury, according to multiple, similarly timed reports:

It looks like “Per Source,” whoever this man or woman is, texts Schefter first, and then McLane.

If Peters has only some sort of sprain or strain, it would obviously be TREMENDOUS news, because the Eagles will replace him with a hot dog cart, which, when filled with infected water, weighs just as much and has more mobility than Halapoulivaati Vaitai.

This is true. There is nothing worse than seeing Peters lying on the ground in a heap and get carted off the field like a wounded elephant, unable to bear the weight of his own mass and achieve the balance it requires to compensate for his thick trunk. I feel like this happens every year. How many times have we said “Oh shit Jason Peters’ career is over”? I feel like at least 3-4 times. One of these times it will be the end for him, but maybe he’s got one more left in the tank.

In other news, I have pneumonia! It turns out puking in your car on the way home from the Sixers home opener isn’t normal and can indeed be a sign of an infection of the lungs. Not sure how many posts I have in me today, but I’m rallying to write about a bonerific night in sports… just as soon as I cough up this yellowish glob which I believe is actually a three-day old egg yolk. Ahhhhh, there it is. I feel like a dragon whose fire thing is broken– like this is the goo that ignites in other dragons before it’s breathed onto tiny villages. But my ignitor doesn’t work and, thus, I just lean over the screaming townspeople and dribble some yellow slime on them. Technically speaking, that’s what I believe this substance is. I’m the worst dragon.

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5 Comments

  • rida hwewes October 24, 2017 at 8:34 am

    Eagles fans are the most knowledgeable fans since they chanted “Jason Peters” as they took him off the field.

    Reply
  • Eagleye5 October 24, 2017 at 8:41 am

    My 5 year old came down with pneumonia last year and it came out of the blue. Btw, Peters has had multiple injuries where you think his season is over and its not, just have to wait and see. Jordan Hicks injury is very similar to Ryan Howard where a nagging lower leg injury eventually led to a ruptured Achilles.

    Reply
  • conshy cowboy October 24, 2017 at 8:54 am

    zero (0) superbowls

    Reply
    • #DUTCHDESTROYER October 24, 2017 at 10:49 am

      Wentz > Dak

      Reply
  • A Fan October 24, 2017 at 11:25 am

    Your description of your pneumonia symptoms are an immediate classic! Best wishes for a speedy recovery!

    Reply
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