I’m sorry I’m a week late on getting to this Fletcher Cox story. My mouth has been agape during that time as I’ve taken on the process of internalizing news that a guy named Cox is being sued for snapping his Johnson and expressing his desire to make beautiful babies with another man’s wife. It’s too perfect. Really, this would be like if Halapoulivaati Vaitai won a spelling bee when he was little or if Cooper Kupp was a stage in Mario Kart. Cox being sued over his wang is my white whale.

From ESPN.com:

The Charlotte Observer reports that Joshua Jeffords, of Huntersville, filed a lawsuit against Philadelphia Eagles defensive tackle Fletcher Cox in Mecklenburg County Civil Court on Nov. 22. Cox, 26, is being sued for alienation of affection. He has yet to respond to the lawsuit.

Jeffords said in the filing that he learned in September of text and Snapchat messages between his wife and Cox, including explicit photos and discussions of having children together. He says his wife met Cox during a work trip to Pennsylvania in April and she moved there in October.

Jeffords says he sought mental health treatment for “substantial emotional distress.” He is seeking at least $50,000 in damages.

And details of those messages from the Charlotte-Observer:

Jeffords’ wife sent messages to Cox calling him “boo” and saying she was “loving everything you have to say” and “I really like you …,” “We’d make some damn beautiful babies” and “I want to get to know you babe. I know we are compatible sexually …” according to the lawsuit.

I can go any number of ways here, but I’d like to first point out that “we are compatible sexually,” if delivered with iambic pentameter in mind, is so incredibly close to Next’s 90s hit that I feel like I just hopped into the middle of a high school dance and forgot to leave room for the Holy Spirit:

Makes me want you so bad sexually!

But the fact that Cox goes straight for the babymaker is so badass. These are the things 10-1 teams do. Do you think any 2-9 Giants are texting anyone about fathering a child? Hell no! At this point Giants are sending e-greetings requesting a kind handjob.

The texts themselves from Cox are even better:

God damn. The I bartend tomorrow nightI want to get you pregnant sequence may be the best escalation in sexting since Cliff Lee’s agent, Darek Braunecker, texted assistant Phillies GM Scott Proefrock “Is this eating at you as much as it’s eating at me?” in December, 2010. The only thing better is Cox’s “trust me” responses, like he was pulling from some sort of player’s guide to sexting autocomplete. Trust me. I love you. I like your eyes. Eventually one of them is bound to stick.

Now, as far as the husband in question is concerned.

I’m not a big fan of the word “cuck,” but suing the guy who stole your wife through text by offering to create her offspring is pretty much the definition of the word. The fact that the available photos of the guy come from something called a “Flipagram” seals the deal:

Guy: I made you a Flipagram and posted it so everyone can see how special you are to me!

Cox: Yo, I want to impregnate you.

Advantage Cox.

How’s Fletcher handling all of this?


You dog!

I’d just pay the requested amount in cash with a note that reads: “for the kid.”

I guess the only thing left to do is a buy a shirt:


You’re next, Ian. He’s actually writing his number.