Police Warn Businesses on Frankford and Cottman to Prepare for an Absolute Shitshow

It’s just before 10 p.m. on Sunday night. Brandon Graham drills Case Keenum from behind, knocking loose the football. Chris Long is there to dive on it as he seals a dramatic 20-13 win. The play simultaneously propels the Eagles into Super Bowl LII and thousands of drunken assholes clad in German Shepperd masks and various shades of green into the intersection of Frankford and Cottman Avenues. By night’s end, the joyous throng will be so blitzed and so immersed in the underdog narrative that many will ultimately come to believe they are the protagonist of an Animorphs novel in which they have transformed into actual dogs.

It’s going to get weird, and it’s going to be glorious. Captain Anthony Luca, a Commanding Officer of the 15th Police District, knows this—and that’s why he wrote a letter earlier this week to local businesses as a heads-up.

Here it is, via the Mayfair Civic Association Facebook page:

Let me just say, I LOVE Captain Luca’s confidence here.

“We hope that with your cooperation, this will be a safe and damage free celebration.”

Notice you don’t see “if the Eagles win,” or any other qualifiers in this statement. It oozes with swag—he’s basically telling us to max bet the Eagles moneyline to help pay for our flights to Minneapolis. Thanks, Captain.

Legal disclaimer: No, he’s not.

Anyway, some members of the Facebook group lamented that a letter like this was even necessary. Hogwash. It’s just good planning and risk management. Beers will be flowing at Reale’s and Hammerheads, while plenty of local teenagers will be stuffing backpacks with beer. Pair that with an Eagles’ Super Bowl berth? Pandemonium. It’s a lock that there will be several cases of public intoxication/urination and at least even odds that someone, at some point, will attempt to fornicate with a parked vehicle. And that’s cool, because I don’t like to tell people how to live their lives. But if the Eagles do win on Sunday night, I have a word of advice. Wherever and however you choose to celebrate the win is completely up to you. Just remember to be courteous if you come across a police officer. And if you come across a police horse? Try not to, you know, punch it in the face.


14 Responses

  1. Eagles 13
    Vikings 10

    Will be partying at Pitcher Pub’s in Manayunk with my bros.

  2. Ya know, as a man grasping to root for the last of the contributing 35+ year old players in order to maintain an interest in today’s self entitled pro sports, I’m pretty pumped up about getting old school eagles NFC championship winning stunning through the bars banged up Sunday..

    1. It’s a tragedy that Cottman Ave has become a daily shitshow since the neighborhood changed, and all the ghetto garbage move in.
      It was once a great place to live.

      1. You sound like a whitey ass white bread crackah that’s doesn’t like gentrification of a neighborhood.

  3. Can’t wait to get fucked up at reales and celebrated on the ave . Eat some wings

  4. The best part will be all the 20 something year old broads with neck tats and pajama pants looking to land themselves their 4th new step-dad for their kids from that area. Easy night to get some free snap and blowed.

  5. go birds dilly dilly. lenny bands ready to give these hands. lenny ready to get laid ooooo weeeeee fly eagles fly

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