Police Warn Businesses on Frankford and Cottman to Prepare for an Absolute Shitshow
It’s just before 10 p.m. on Sunday night. Brandon Graham drills Case Keenum from behind, knocking loose the football. Chris Long is there to dive on it as he seals a dramatic 20-13 win. The play simultaneously propels the Eagles into Super Bowl LII and thousands of drunken assholes clad in German Shepperd masks and various shades of green into the intersection of Frankford and Cottman Avenues. By night’s end, the joyous throng will be so blitzed and so immersed in the underdog narrative that many will ultimately come to believe they are the protagonist of an Animorphs novel in which they have transformed into actual dogs.
It’s going to get weird, and it’s going to be glorious. Captain Anthony Luca, a Commanding Officer of the 15th Police District, knows this—and that’s why he wrote a letter earlier this week to local businesses as a heads-up.
Here it is, via the Mayfair Civic Association Facebook page:
Let me just say, I LOVE Captain Luca’s confidence here.
“We hope that with your cooperation, this will be a safe and damage free celebration.”
Notice you don’t see “if the Eagles win,” or any other qualifiers in this statement. It oozes with swag—he’s basically telling us to max bet the Eagles moneyline to help pay for our flights to Minneapolis. Thanks, Captain.
Legal disclaimer: No, he’s not.
Anyway, some members of the Facebook group lamented that a letter like this was even necessary. Hogwash. It’s just good planning and risk management. Beers will be flowing at Reale’s and Hammerheads, while plenty of local teenagers will be stuffing backpacks with beer. Pair that with an Eagles’ Super Bowl berth? Pandemonium. It’s a lock that there will be several cases of public intoxication/urination and at least even odds that someone, at some point, will attempt to fornicate with a parked vehicle. And that’s cool, because I don’t like to tell people how to live their lives. But if the Eagles do win on Sunday night, I have a word of advice. Wherever and however you choose to celebrate the win is completely up to you. Just remember to be courteous if you come across a police officer. And if you come across a police horse? Try not to, you know, punch it in the face.