I didn’t really expect to pick a fight with Pittsburgh today– then again I didn’t expect a Western PA city to be stuck in the Industrial Age. So here we are.

That there is Ron Cook, a sports columnist from Pittsburgh. Some might affectionately refer to him as a Yinzer. I would call him an asshole, but that would be offensive to well-tied balloon knots. Similarly, donkeys have done nothing wrong here, so let’s just call him what he is: desperate for attention.

Now, rather than dig in here and point out that truly some of the planet’s worst people reside in Pittsburgh, I should tell you that Cook is not alone. He is joined by countless others over the past few days using the Super Bowl as an excuse to trash Philly fans and our ostensible criminal behavior.

The numbers, it seems, would prove otherwise:

No surprise that California cities and North Jersey top that list. Also, Pittsburgh.

Another figure, which admittedly takes into account leniency on actions that might otherwise be crimes on a normal night, works in our favor as well:

Sure, there were dickbags. There always are… large bags of dicks. Take, for example, these eighth grade hooligans taunting Vikings fans walking into the Linc:


And this:


I’m almost embarrassed for us. When you think of the stereotypical Philly fan the national media loves to portray, it’s not these Kenso-prep school hybrid hipsters we see in the video– it’s someone like your Uncle Bob who works as a contractor and sells tires on the side. He listens to WIP in his truck and owns a beer helmet that is not totally a novelty. He’s a hard-working guy who yells and curses and maybe drinks too much but comports himself otherwise just fine in public.

The dipshits in the video don’t look old enough to drink and can’t hold their alcohol either way. It’s like self-parody of the fan base, with tailgate-goers doing what they think the people who actually root for the team do. There bad apples are everywhere. They are in every fan base. In California, they’re gangsters. In Pittsburgh, they used to work on the railroad or some shit. And in Philly, more often than not lately, they appear to be young kids doing their best to uphold a rep which we may or may not deserve.

So let’s not get too caught up in fighting back these next few weeks. The shots will come, sure, some even deserved, but they’re part of a largely unfounded and convenient narrative ready for the clicks. And really, what I’d like to focus on, is how everyone who lives in Boston is an insufferable shithead.