The Phillies are Looking for a Left-Handed Batting Practice Pitcher

Well, this is fun. If your dreams of becoming a big leaguer have long been dead, but you still want to find your way onto the field as a contributor, then you may want to listen up. The Phillies are in search of a left-handed batting practice pitcher for home games this season. Really. There’s an online pplication-it’s a paid part-time gig. The whole nine.

The Phillies, all of us, are looking for a left-handed batting practice pitcher to come in all of our home games and deliver strikes to our men. We are going to ask that you submit a video to ensure that you are capable of this. Additionally, we’re going to ask that you come in and be a strong cultural contributor. After all, we are looking to bring a World Series championship to the city of Philadelphia. And we are asking you to contribute. Are you the one?

1) I guess I don’t really understand why they can’t find a professional to do this, but it’s a fun idea.

2) God, I want to be THE so badly. They wouldn’t even have to pay me. Just watching Kapler be a weirdo would be payment enough, but the only thing I can do left-handed is eat. I wish my dad was one of those overbearing parents who tied my right arm behind my back and forced me to do shit with my left hand.

“Throw this ball 50 times or no dinner.”

Thanks a lot, dad.

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2 Responses

  1. I’ll BP pitch… With my dick! And bloods going to come out of your head. There’s nothing you can do about it, because I’m a mad man

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