Is It Bad That I Want To Punch Colin Cowherd in The Jugular?

Figuratively.

I don’t actually want to take my balled up right fist and insert it squarely into Cowherd’s neck and see his head pop up and eyes bulge out, like one of those children’s toys where you squeeze the center and the ends enlarge, while his fairly attractive co-host, Kristine Leahy, looks on in bemusement and perhaps a touch of envy as she learns what that blog life is all about. I haven’t even thought about it.

I know this is what Cowherd does– sling shit at towns like Philly that are sure to respond. I’m playing right into his hand. I’m gifting him my testicular fortitude, an entire handful, and allowing him to play. That’s fine. This is a win-win for me, too, so let’s perpetuate this symbiotic relationship between asshole and blogger.

Here’s Cowherd, yesterday, on Philly fans being moved back to coach after flying in first class the last few months, this on a day where a Southwest flight made an emergency landing in Philly and one passenger died in the chaos:

“Nine out of the 10 winners in the NBA playoffs… hit more threes. Sixers, you’re just like everybody else. Ben Simmons is special. Your coach isn’t special, your bench isn’t special, your team isn’t special. In Game 1, you hit 18-of-28 threes, you were AMAZEBALLS! Last night you were 7-of-36, you lost homecourt advantage to very mediocre Miami.”

“You have a special player in Ben Simmons. You’re not special yet.”

I actually respect this level of trolling. It’s the sort of thing I would do to other fans of the Big 5. Like this:

https://twitter.com/Smoove2you_/status/986075073911062528

https://twitter.com/Smoove2you_/status/986077433957937153

https://twitter.com/Smoove2you_/status/986080292589985792

Villanova isn’t a Philly team… until they literally rule Philly basketball, prove to be a breeding ground for La Salle’s next coach, serve as the home of Temple’s coach, took an assist from Penn’s coach for beating Kansas, and give Phil Martelli a reason to exist every March as he’s forced to cuck himself as a Villanova commentator when they make their annual run toward a title. But you know, not Philly. Whatever.

Two can play this game, Cowherd.

But whereas everything I just said is delightfully true, none of what Cowherd said made any sense. If you want to troll and put down a fan base, by all means, do it, but make sure you have some live ammo first.

The notion that the Sixers only won in Game 1, and thus Sixers fans should not be overly pleased with their team’s prospects, because they hit more threes than Heat is about the level of analysis an adolescent male would apply to movies with boobs winning awards. This movie had the most cans, and that’s the only reason it won. Never mind the intricate plot points, well-developed characters, and necessary sexual depictions that made it feel real. Nope. Just cans. More cans, more wins. Don’t even mention the 16 consecutive wins that preceded it, their ability to interchangeably defend basically every position on the floor, and the fact that they possess two generational talents who are changing the bounds of the game. Nope. Just because they hit a lot of threes.

And way to go out on a limb there picking one team out of 32 teams not to win the Super Bowl. What’s Vegas pay out on that bet, Tomato Paste?

Even his Villanova point rings hollow. Though he usually likes them, he posited two weeks ago that they could lose to Michigan because they have historically been the underdog and wouldn’t handle being the favorite. Never mind that virtually every player on the roster has been in the top 5 for their entire college careers, or that they were an underdog in, at most, two or three games over the course of three seasons. Nope, just something something 1985.

There’s entertainment, and then there’s sports talk. The best provide both. They have fun while bringing actual sports arguments. And then there’s Cowherd, who feigns knowing shit… until he doesn’t.

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15 Responses

  1. Heard Shander was really mad this morning when Schefter said “Hi Anthony, Hi Bob.” Nobody cares that this guy exists.

  2. Philly is really good at the “No one likes us” but REALLY bad at the whole “we dont care” part

  3. What “testicular fortitude?”

    I thought you were one of those non-binary, gender-queer people.

  4. Every time you blog about Cowherd, Stephen A, or Skip, they win. Just ignore those losers.

  5. These guys (Cowherd, Bayless, Smith, etc.) are master button-pushers. Does Skip Bayless really believe that Dak Prescott (and now Foles) is a better NFL QB than Wentz ? Doubtful, but these “hot takes” are what makes them unique as opposed to a straight sports news show.

  6. Cowherd is just using a line from the Howard Eskin ‘Troll for callers and listeners’ book, and you’re buying the entire Barns and Noble.

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