Thank You to Whomever Sold their Soul to the Devil for this to Happen to Philadelphia

Photo Credit: Philadelphia 76ers

It’s the only possible explanation, right? For all of the sustained, unexpected success this city has experienced in the sports realm in the last 10 months. What else could it be? Some long-suffering fan was finally tired of losing, sick of Philadelphia being the butt of every joke, and they signed a contract made of human skin with their own blood and handed their soul over to the Devil to see the Eagles hoist the Lombardi trophy and the 76ers have a decent playoff run.

Whoever did it, thanks for the effort. Great hustle. We’ll keep you in our thoughts and prayers while Beelzebub is poking your eyes out with a pitchfork for the rest of eternity.

Or, if we’re being honest, you’ll just be rotting away in the ground and slowly slipping away from the memories of your loved ones because there is no God or afterlife.

But hey, great win! 10, 9, 8, 76ers!

How is this happening? How is this happening to PHILADELPHIA of all cities? We had a once-in-a-lifetime team with the Eagles, a group of incredibly likable guys who loved playing in this city, had each other’s backs, and LOVED playing for their once maligned coach Doug Pederson.

Everything went right. Overcome the loss of your franchise quarterback with a once tossed aside, fan favorite backup? Check. Rumble into the Super Bowl against all odds? Check plus. Topple the Pats dynasty in one of the greatest Super Bowls ever played with a ballsy trick play on fourth down that will forever live on in the lore of Philadelphia sports? CHECK MOTHER FUCKING PLUS.

Teams like that, experiences like that, they don’t come around often. The 2008 Phillies were the last special team to grace this city, and that was a decade ago.

Now we may have another one just 10 weeks later. This 76ers team is special, they love each other, they love their coach, and the East is wide open for another unexpected run to glory.

I mean, look at this. If the sight of Brett Brown getting drenched with water and tenderly putting his head on Joel Embiid’s chest – AND KISSING IT – doesn’t warm the cockles of your heart then I don’t know what to say:

Who scares you in the East? LeBron’s hair is falling out faster than the Cavs’ championship window is closing, Lance Stephenson is too busy sticking pins in his LeBron voodoo doll to remember to dribble, Marcus Smart of the Celtics already picked up three fouls while you were reading this sentence, the Toronto Raptors are desperately trying not to asphyxiate on their own vomit again in the first round, and the Bucks’ substitute nerd teacher of a coach is trying to keep order in his classroom while Giannis Antetokounmpo stands up on his desk and tells him to fuck off.

Are you losing any sleep over any of these teams? LeBron still puts the fear of (a non-existing) God into me, but I can’t see his matching Men in Black suit gimmick working against the Sixers in the Eastern Conference finals. Maybe if he got everyone matching toupees from Morrie’s Wigs he’d have better luck?

The Sixers don’t have to resort to cheap tricks to create a sense of unity on the roster. They enjoy playing for each other.

It’s the Philly Special all over again. It’s all bouncing our way and the 76ers have a legitimate path to the Finals after the majority of us thought they would sneak into the playoffs as the 8th seed at the beginning of the year.

Trust the process… and if you ever do find the person who sold his soul for all this to happen, buy them a beer. They deserve it.

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3 Responses

  1. My Steam Account name is “Hail Satan Hail Hinkie” and I really think it made the difference.

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