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LeBron James is 100% Signing with Philadelphia/Utah/Cleveland/Los Angeles/Oklahoma City

Coggin Toboggan

By Coggin Toboggan

Published:

Photo credit: Jerry Lai-USA TODAY Sports

NBA free agency doesn’t start until Sunday, but goddamn is the LeBron James rumor mill churning along at a fevered pace. One minute he’s spotted touring private schools on the Main Line for his kids, the next he’s filming commercials that 100% confirm he’s signing with the Lakers.

What can you believe? WHO can you believe? The rumors are everywhere, they’re nonstop, and most are so steeped in bullshit it makes Mike Missanelli want to scream at his producer all over again.

Let’s face it, in all likelihood he’ll probably just sign with the Lakers, along with Kawhi Leonard and Paul George, they’ll lose in seven games to the Warriors in the Western Conference championship, and the Warriors will sweep the DeMar DeRozan led 76ers to cap off their three-peat.

But what’s the fun in that? We can all hope against hope that he goes somewhere else, can’t we? Besides, there are SO MANY juicy rumors swirling around the ether that at least one has to have some credence, correct? We need to do a deep dive into the gritty, all-encompassing LeBron rumors floating around social media, namely Twitter, to see if we can decipher what’s out there to believe, and what’s out there that just may not be true in the slightest.

Let’s go LeBron rumor hunting and see what we can find.

ESPN analyst Brian Windhorst is the logical place to start on our journey. Windhorst is always silently skulking around LeBron, like a pilot fish feasting on the bacteria and fecal matter emanating from a great white shark, and he’ll surely give us the insights we need to decipher LeBron’s next destination:

https://twitter.com/betmybookie/status/1010364042634932225

I like those odds! 51% would make the Lakers the favorite if you believe this non-confirmed, non-linked and non-referenced quote attributed to Windhorst from a strange bookie account nobody has ever heard of. It’s a great starting point, but I’m sure we can do better than that, can’t we Windy?

Rumors on the NUMBER of people who know where LeBron is going to go? Collar your hubris, Windy, for nobody can truly know what lurks inside of a man.

God this is great. The only thing that could make this better is a good old fashioned dark horse team flung into the mix…

THANK YOU WINDHORST. Be still my beating heart, I do love a good dark horse team. Why wouldn’t LeBron want to go to the glitz and glamour of Dallas to play out his twilight years? Why, it’s not as if the franchise and its owner are embroiled in a massive sexual harassment scandal involving dozens upon dozens of former female employees that could completely overshadow the final years of one of the greatest basketball players to ever play the game.

Nope, nothing like that in sight. He’s definitely signing with Dallas.

Unless….

Wait a minute, a mystery PLAYER?! That’s better than a mystery team! And if you totally don’t read the headline of the story linked into the tweet or look at the other player with LeBron in the picture you’ll be COMPLETELY SURPRISED as to who that mystery player could be!

The only other thing that could completely confirm LeBron to the Lakers would be….

LeBron jerseys already on the rack. Kawhi too?! He’s signing with L.A. No doubt about it. The Cane and Ice show has confirmed the reports and have cracked this cold case wide open. Chisel it in stone, LeBron is GUARANTEED to sign with the Lakers if they can convince the Spurs that Lonzo Ball and his helicopter dad will be LESS of a distraction than Kawhi. I’m sure the famously flexible Gregg Popovich will welcome the Ball family to San Antonio with open arms and a long leash. Perfectly fair trade if the Lakers throw in that extra first round pick they don’t have.

He’s definitely going to L.A., unless….

OH MY GOD we all forgot about Cleveland, didn’t we? The city is rising out of the ashes of the Cuyahoga River like a glorious, trash covered, smelly phoenix that lucked into one of the greatest basketball players that has ever lived not once, but TWICE. They’re looking to make it a Devil’s threesome with LeBron and 100% resting all their hopes that he doesn’t have the energy to pack up his home and move again.

Cleveland it is! Or maybe….

Utah?! Wait a minute….grainy photo of someone who may or may not be LeBron, wearing a hat that very slightly appears to be for the Jazz, and TOURING HIGH SCHOOLS for his sons?! Couple that with LeBron’s notorious love for the Mormon religion and his hatred of alcohol and you’ve got a rumor stew going, baby.

This son of a bitch is definitely hitting up all of those great jazz clubs in Utah after a long day of spreading the good word about Mormonism next season. Case closed, unless there’s some other form of social media we’re completely overlooking….

https://twitter.com/HoopsTribuneNBA/status/1009144829404590080

INSTAGRAM. WE FORGOT ABOUT HIS INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT. And apparently he’s “liking” photos from Ben Simmons and Joel Embiid like a tween girl fawning over the latest vaping video or whatever the kids are into these days. If the guy running LeBron’s Instagram account has any say in the matter, he’s definitely signing with the 76ers.

Unless, of course, this has all just been a huge smokescreen for something else… something much, much bigger….

You have to be kidding me. It’s all so clear now. The buzz, the fervor, the rumors, the attention….it’s all been leading up to this moment, the debut of the trailer for Space Jam 2. He’s retiring from the NBA to focus on acting and has plans to leave his wife for Space Jam 2 co-star Lola Bunny.

You do you, LeBron. Can’t wait for this movie to come out.

Unless…

Get the fuck out of here, he’s not going to Oklahoma City.

Coggin Toboggan
Coggin Toboggan

I have no merits or accomplishments worth noting. Founder of Philadelphia's most trusted sports blog, The Coggin Toboggan. Can I just take a minute of your time to share the good word about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?

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