The Philadelphia Fusion are Trying to Become World F$%^#@! Champions

via Twitter

I know everyone is excited about the Super Bowl champion Eagles and the first-place Phillies, but let’s pause for a second to talk about your team, your town, your Philadelphia Fusion, who feature a grand total of zero Americans on the roster.

But that’s okay, because they’re our boys, and tonight they’ll play in the Overwatch League final at the Barclay’s Center in Brooklyn. Match one against those London Spitfire wankers is televised on ESPN at 7 p.m.

So apparently the Fusion were pretty big underdogs heading into the playoffs. As a six seed, they knocked off the #1 seed New York and #3 seed Boston, which I think any Philly fan can appreciate. London had a similar path to the final, dispatching a pair of Los Angeles teams as the fifth seed.

The format for the finals is a best-of-three series played in best-of-five matches, and each individual game is referred to as a “map.” If the teams split the first two matches, the Spitfire pick which “map” they want to play for the third and final match. Makes sense, right?

Our best player is this dude named “Carpe,” who is one of the best “DPS” players in the league. DPS is an old RPG term meaning “damage per second,” so the guy is basically like the Fusion’s best attacker. Carpe was an Overwatch All-Star this season alongside “Poko,” who is a “flex.” I think that means he just plays whatever role they need.

Edit: I stand corrected –

Got it? Good.

Anyway, London’s best player is a DPS named “Profit,” but who really gives a fuck about him?

Both of these teams are incredibly similar, finishing 24-16 in the regular season and sort of flattening out down the stretch before turning it on in the postseason. Neither team was expected to do much in playoffs, but here we are. The Fusion is running a bunch of buses to Brooklyn this afternoon so fans can attend. DJ Khaled is gonna perform tomorrow. This whole thing is bananas.

Watch this pre-playoff hype video and get pumped:

Let’s go boys:

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  • Philly Is.... July 27, 2018 at 9:43 am

    City of Champions

  • esports are the future July 27, 2018 at 9:49 am

    EQO and Carpe are the best DPS duo in the league right now.

    The Fusion win the inaugural season of OWL and the Eagles win back to back rings and then I retire to the hillside and live off of the land.

  • q July 27, 2018 at 9:52 am


    • Fyre2387 July 27, 2018 at 5:06 pm

      Damn right we are.

  • Memories margate fan July 27, 2018 at 9:53 am

    I can only imagine all the pussy these dudes must get

    • esports are the future July 27, 2018 at 1:38 pm

      Call of Duty player literally just dumped the hottest weathergirl on Planet Earth and my buddy who has been a Pro gamer for 10+ years is married to a former Miss Oregon.

      You on the other hand pay for handies in Kensington. Move on.

  • WTF July 27, 2018 at 9:59 am

    Is this stupid shit for real?

  • SAL PAL July 27, 2018 at 10:20 am


  • Call me "Ed" July 27, 2018 at 10:26 am

    If this is “sports,” I’m glad I’m dead.

  • emcgrogan July 27, 2018 at 10:34 am

    My brother in law is a big fan, so I’m rooting for them for his sake and so I can retreat deeper into the void of despair that is Union fandom and point at these guys and cry about why I can’t have nice things. I mean, I can still do that if they lose since they already have two more play-off wins, but a championship would be *chef’s kiss gif*

  • William Rhodes July 27, 2018 at 10:35 am

    Is that “The Donger” on the right hand side of the pic?

  • William Rhodes July 27, 2018 at 10:36 am

    I still don’t understand this. People pay money to watch other people play video games?

    • Why do people get mad about video games? July 27, 2018 at 10:53 am

      I always think of it like watching the World Series of Poker.

    • Bambam July 27, 2018 at 11:45 am

      People watch other people do a lot of things, like drive cars.

      • people watch other people July 27, 2018 at 2:31 pm

        … play football and baseball and basketball and that sport with the ice popular in South Jersey.

  • Lil'Cuz July 27, 2018 at 11:10 am

    Lock the doors and set the Barclay’s Center on fire….be done with this crap once and for all

  • QRid July 27, 2018 at 11:38 am

    These guys look like the kind of cheesesteak-eating, taking-your-lunchpail-to-work, going-down-the-shore, Chickie’s N’ Pete’s blue-collar men that we love around here. In the grand tradition of Michael Jack, the Minister of Defense, and #3.

  • no women, eh? so much for your virtue-signaling MUH DIVERSITY July 27, 2018 at 11:45 am


    • Bambam July 27, 2018 at 11:48 am

      There are women in the league. The teams just didn’t make it to the finals.

      • Hardcore 2 1/2 for 4 July 27, 2018 at 12:37 pm

        So women are as bad at esports as they are at real sports? I, for one, am shocked…

  • JG July 27, 2018 at 11:50 am

    *Insert video clip of Ogre yelling “NEEERRRRRRDDDDSSS!!!!!” here*

  • Jezi Belle July 27, 2018 at 12:47 pm

    This is one of the better “I don’t get it but GO PHILLY” articles I’ve seen, honestly.

    We’re not asking you to get it. If you’re not interested, that’s fine. World’s wide enough for all of us.


  • Hilton July 27, 2018 at 6:21 pm

    Vamos lá vê-la em acção meus colegas !

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