A Word of Advice on Watching September Baseball

PHOTO CREDIT: ERIC HARTLINE-USA TODAY SPORTS

Hey there, friend. I wanted to hop on here real quick with what I think are some sound words of advice:

Beer. Lots of beer. Preferably something with 6-10% ABV.

Want to survive the inevitable stress and rage that are each surely to be ignited as you watch the Phillies play meaningful September baseball? This is my recommendation, but be sure to stay away from anything stronger, unless you aspire to be fully hammered by the time Gabe Kapler calls for Adam Morgan out of the bullpen in the fourth inning in any one of, I don’t know, like, six games this month.

On second thought…

Just know that I’m here for you. We haven’t watched consequential late-season Phillies games for quite some time, and tense moments will be plentiful, so I checked out Google for some other anxiety coping mechanisms:

Laugh? Reduce caffeine intake? Not for me. Misery and coffee are key elements of my daily routine, though burning some Roman chamomile and Frankincense seems like it would be delightful.

Whatever you ultimately go with—-yoga, meditation, 30mg of Paxil 30 minutes prior to first pitch–just make sure it’s effective because the Phillies are going to drive you mad.

Their bullpen is erratic, they don’t hit for prolonged stretches, their defense is just brutal, and the starters, Aaron Nola aside, have regressed lately.

They finished August below .500 with a 13-14 record despite an often favorable schedule. They won exactly one series during a month that included no less than six excruciating losses, and yet, the Phillies will still somehow enter the season’s final month only two games out of first-place thanks to a Braves loss tonight, and, of course, this:

Serenity now.

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18 Comments

  • Tr September 1, 2018 at 1:04 am

    Good advice on the beer…. Also, if you are blowing lines, the beers go down so much faster

    • Would love to joe mixon the comcast rap girl September 1, 2018 at 12:41 pm

      Can we get the p-ssy liberals to take to social media and protest the comcast rap girl? They love bitching on twitter until companies and celebrities have to apologize and/or lose their livelihood. There’s no one better to go after than that cis gendered, privileged white girl who is using cultural appropriation to get famous.

      • Big Tex September 1, 2018 at 1:01 pm

        I hate that bitch. Easily most annoying commercial since them Gary barbera and Delilah den commercials

  • Count Chocula September 1, 2018 at 6:42 am

    Words of wisdom , think we ever see CBP half full for one of these games? It’s embarrassing how empty it is

  • Ronnie mund September 1, 2018 at 6:52 am

    I want to know what it feels like to have a pussy! What’s the big deal?!

    • Sal governal September 1, 2018 at 7:25 am

      Who is saying it’s a big deal?

      • Jackie Jokeman September 1, 2018 at 7:55 am

        I just want to apologize to my wife, Nancy.

  • Arthur- native New Yorker September 1, 2018 at 8:14 am

    Rip Levi in overbrook Park

    • Arthur from the joint September 1, 2018 at 8:22 am

      Correct. RIP Levi

      • An Inquiring Mind September 1, 2018 at 10:21 am

        I said before that I was not a fan of Levi’s act, but if he did indeed pass away, my condolences.

        • with a name like Levi... September 1, 2018 at 3:26 pm

          he was either a chew or a nigra

  • Geno’s steaks September 1, 2018 at 9:42 am

    I met TrishSports last night…. yeesh! Don’t know if it would look better as a guy or a chick !

  • Gssman September 1, 2018 at 1:05 pm

    A wasted 4th round pick with Pumphrey being cut.
    Great job exec of year howie.

    • why is jaws a legend in philly? September 1, 2018 at 1:11 pm

      Pumphrey was probably Doug’s pick like all the other bad picks were either Big Red or Chip.

    • what percentage of NFL 4th-round picks end up being starters? September 1, 2018 at 4:15 pm

      I’ll hang up and listen.

  • The Monsters Of The Midway are back September 1, 2018 at 3:55 pm

    Don’t want to get in any trouble but two seasons from now they will be doing The Super Bowl Shuffle.

    • Chris Farley September 2, 2018 at 5:44 am

      Da Bears blow. Give me a break. Mitchel Trubisky lmao

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