Do We Really Think the Phillies are Going to Land Bryce Harper?

PHOTO CREDIT: BRAD MILLS-USA TODAY SPORTS

If you read Bob Nightengale’s USA Today piece from earlier this week (and Joy on Broad’s sterling write-up on this site), you’re left with only one viable conclusion. Dear God, Bryce Harper, one of the best players in all of baseball, has NO OTHER CHOICE but to sign with your Philadelphia Phillies.

My God. Can you imagine it? His wavy locks flowing in the humid air on an August night as he tracks down a screaming line drive at the warning track, making a 10-point catch to cap off a wondrous 3 for 4 evening at the plate that saw him CRUSH his 30th home run of the season to put the Phillies 20 games above .500 and give them a comfortable five game lead in the NL East.

He’d give the ladies in the right field section his signature wink as he leaves the field, instantly soaking every pair of panties from row 1 to 50. He’d underhand toss the ball to a blind boy in the stands, miraculously curing him after medical science was nothing but a dead end for the young wretch, Harper’s fifth such miracle on the season.

The Phillies are the only logical franchise to sign Harper. They want Harper. They can afford Harper (and more importantly, overpay for Harper). Harper has every reason in the world to sign with the Phillies. Nightengale even guaranteed it:

He will be standing in right field with the Phillies on March 28 at Citizens Bank Park when they open the season against the defending NL East champion Atlanta Braves.

Bank on it.

But in the words of Winston “The Wolf” Wolfe from Pulp Fiction, “Well, let’s not start sucking each other’s dicks quite yet.”

Logic and reason have no place within these city boundaries.

Allow me to douse our Harper excitement with a bucket of ice water and remind everyone that this rarely ever works out for Philadelphia. Besides, depression and pessimism suit this city far better than positivity.

The mere fact that a respected journalist like Nightengale is encouraging Phillies fans to buy their custom Harper jerseys before the Christmas rush should give us all pause. Have we learned nothing from these guarantees?! By my count, Philadelphia franchises have been the betting favorites to sign or trade for SIX superstars in the last year.

Do these names ring a bell? LeBron James. Kawhi Leonard. Josh Gordon. Le’Veon Bell. All betting favorites to sign or be traded to Philadelphia.

And of course, most recently, Bryce Harper AND Manny Machado.

Harper and Machado are yet be determined, but last I checked those other superstars haven’t been spotted at the Broad and Walnut Wawa ordering Turkey Gobblers at 3 a.m.

LeBron decided to play with a worse Lakers roster so he could be in Los Angeles and make shitty sequels to shitty movies (Outside of Bill Murray and the kickass Quad City DJ’s theme song, Space Jam blows). Howie Roseman decided he would rather use a fifth round pick on an obscure tight end from Appaloosa Community College in the 2019 draft than trade for Gordon. Leonard is bound to obey his human masters in Toronto due to Isaac Asimov’s “Rules of Robotics” and Bell is too busy sending obscure, upside down tweets and ripping gravity bong hits to remember to report to Pittsburgh.

We all expected them, or at least hoped, they would be in Philadelphia this year. None of them are.

We all expect Harper or Machado, or even BOTH, to be with Philadelphia next year. We’re the favorites. What can go wrong?

EVERYTHING CAN GO WRONG. Maybe Harper decides he doesn’t want to risk the chance of being forced to pitch the seventh inning during a 19-2 blowout in the first game of a July doubleheader because Gabe wants to “preserve the bullpen.” Maybe the mythical MYSTERY TEAM rears its ugly head and swoops in at the last minute and offers Harper $45 million a year. Maybe the Red Sox decide to go full heel, say fuck it, and sign Machado and Harper to the DISGUST of baseball fans everywhere.

Will Harper be at Citizens Bank Park next March? We should expect nothing.

After all, this is Philadelphia. Nothing ever good happens to us, right?

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10 Comments

  • Well November 9, 2018 at 10:56 am

    Russell and BWanks already came all over each other with Harper excitement so as far as I’m concerned nothing could be more factual than his imminent signing by the Phillies.

    Reply
    • BWankskCB November 9, 2018 at 11:13 am

      Lol

      Reply
  • Freddy November 9, 2018 at 11:11 am

    The Cuz is getting so much love today.

    Reply
  • Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk November 9, 2018 at 11:12 am

    They have a better chance of luring David Coggin out of retirement.

    See what I did there?!?!?

    Reply
  • Cuz + Spags Best Friends Forever November 9, 2018 at 11:21 am

    I have No faith in this Phillies ownership/management group. Klentak keeps patting himself on the back with this improved rebuild ? THIS REBUILD SUCKS . If the Phils didn’t have Aaron Nola and had the misfortune of playing in the AL East last year they would have finished about 50 games behind Boston.

    I don’t think Bryce Harper is the answer. I think the answer is for the owner to stop listening to Scott Boras, and go get a decent GM . #1 move is to put Hoskins at 1B and significantly upgrading the other 7 positions.

    Reply
  • bob November 9, 2018 at 12:37 pm

    Man, articles like this really do prove this city is so insecure with major inferiority complexes ….
    Lebron was the only free agent that chose elsewhere …everyone of those other guys you mentioned required a trade and trades have way more moving parts.

    Reply
  • Jesus Christ November 9, 2018 at 1:00 pm

    We just won the fucking super bowl. Why do we have to go back to the Philadelphia is a town full of losers bit already

    Reply
  • JG November 9, 2018 at 1:11 pm

    k

    Reply
  • homeless man at broad and walnut November 9, 2018 at 3:35 pm

    that’s because the wawa @ broad and walnut isn’t open at 3am ya hack

    Reply
  • If George was still alive and running the Yankees I would be worried November 9, 2018 at 5:31 pm

    He’s not and his son doesn’t spend like the old man did. Though they did take Stanton. If they could somehow get a team to take Stanton off their hands I think they would go after Harper. The question is what is more important to Harper and his agent. Playing for a stiff team on the West Coast so he could be closer to his home. Would you really want to go to Giants who have to rebuild or the Angels who also aren’t contenders. The Cubs are a good landing spot and when the wind blows out Bryce would be looking at multiple dinger days. Don’t forget about the Cards or White Sox who are not on the odds list. Phils will get one of the two and also sign a big name pitcher.

    Reply
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