I was watching Jingle All The Way the other night—the mid-90s Christmas movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad. It’s not very good, but as I was watching it, I realized the offseasons of the Phillies and White Sox sort of resemble the film’s premise.

Here’s the deal: Schwarzenegger and Sinbad are each kind of shitty parents and they want to make it up to their disappointed kids by getting the season’s hottest gift, Turbo-Man, so they have this crazy, prolonged battle to get the toy. Similarly, the Phillies and White Sox have each been shitty baseball teams and they want to make it up to their disappointed fans by getting the season’s hottest gift(s), Bryce Harper and/or Manny Machado, so they, too, are having a similarly crazy, prolonged battle.

Honestly, I have no idea what happens at the end of the movie because, like I said, it wasn’t very good, so I eventually turned it off and went on living my life, but here’s the point. Like any good parent who knows they’ve dropped the ball, the Phillies seem to understand the only remedy is to spend lots of money on the best presents to buy back our love. Andrew McCutchen and Jean Segura are cool, I guess, but neither is a Turbo-Man. The Phillies know this, so they’re still out shopping. Here’s the problem—the White Sox seem intent upon making it as hard as possible to get one:

They even went out and traded for Machado’s brother-in-law, Yonder Alonso, last night. Why could that possibly matter, you ask?

Seriously? I don’t know about you, but I’ve had just about enough of these guys. It’s the Chicago White Sox. They play in anonymity in their own city. The organization’s most famous player is Michael Jordan. When I think about the White Sox, I think about two things:

1) Jack Parkman getting played at the plate by a leaping Willie Mays Hayes in Major League II

2) Robin Ventura getting a noogie from Nolan Ryan

The first isn’t real and the second is like their version of the Dodgers’ Kirk Gibson pinch-hit walk-off homer in the 1988 World Series.

And yeah, I know they won the World Series in 2005, but I don’t remember much of that, so who cares?

To bring it back to Jingle All The Way, like I said, I have no idea how it ends. Maybe one of the guys gets the toy. Maybe some other asshole (The Yankees or Dodgers) shows up and gets Turbo-Man, while Schwarzenegger and Sinbad learn the true meaning of Christmas. Whatever. What I do know is that’s not going to work in this situation. I don’t care if they have to forcefully trample the opposition to get it done because nobody is interested in learning the heart-warming true meaning of methodical, pragmatic building and internal development this holiday season. The Phillies need to show their love with money and go get the shiniest toy on the market. They shouldn’t be beat by anybody, and they sure as hell can’t lose out to the Chicago White Sox. It’s Turbo-Man or bust.