Should the Phillies make Bryce Harper their Sugar Baby?

Photo Credit: Russell Lansford-USA TODAY Sports

The Phillies have money. Oodles of money. It’s the finest and biggest draw that the organization has right now in terms of luring players to don the red pinstripes for 2019.

Bryce Harper wants money. He wants lots of money. Exorbitant amounts of money. His agent and human garbage pile Scott Boras wants lots of money to keep himself in hair plugs for the rest of his days.

But Bryce Harper doesn’t want the Phillies. At this point in the long, LONG drawn out free agency process that much is clear. He’d much rather play for a team on the West Coast than cast his lot in Philadelphia.

Maybe the allure of 70 degree weather 365 days a year and a tepid fanbase is more appealing to him than playing in 95 degree, 100% humidity games in July in front of rabid supporters that will hail him as a conquering hero for each home run, but want to slit his throat after every 0 for 4 night?

Is it smart for the Phillies to pay Harper $300+ million over 10 years when so many reports are claiming he so clearly prefers California?

Should the Phillies play the proverbial sugar momma to Bryce Harper’s sugar baby?

In the words of the immortal Teddy KGB, Pay him. Pay that man his money.

The Phillies have backed themselves into a corner this offseason thanks to the crest of a wave that began to form in the wasteland of 2015. The golden years of 2008 were long gone, the heroes of five straight postseason appearances were on the steep downhills of their career, and foolish front office decisions had saddled the franchise with a bleaker future than a 76ers 1st round draft pick.

But ownership assured fans that its fortunes would turn in 2019. Manny Machado and Harper would surely test free agency and the Phillies would be clear of the burdensome contracts that held them back for so many seasons. They’d have money. They’d have prospects. They’d have the free agents to push them back into glory.

John Middleton stoked the flames this December when he showed a wink and a nod to fans, giving them a “Oh yeah, take a look at the shit we’re about to do this offseason” elbow nudge that kicked off hopes that the Phillies were looking into overpaying for BOTH Harper and Machado. And Patrick Corbin! And how could Mike Trout resist this super team in two years when HE hit the free agency market? Think of the dynasty… think of the tattered and demolished corpses of teams the Phillies left in their wake on way to several World Series championships.

The slaughter would be horrific, but we wouldn’t be able to look away.

But then Corbin signed with the Nationals. Whatever. He was never the main target, was he? And then Machado signed with the Padres. Again, not that big of a deal. He chose the Padres over the Phillies?! It just means he’s WEAK WILLED, doesn’t want to win, and never hustled anyways.

The crown jewel was still there for the taking. Nobody would snatch Harper away from us. Nobody could come close to the depths of our coffers.

But whispers started to spread through the ether. Harper NEVER wanted to come to Philadelphia. He’d vastly prefer to play on the west coast. If teams could come close to the Phillies’ offer he’d be set for the sweet life of California living. Fish tacos and empty stadiums by the 7th inning for the rest of his days (Kinkead: and Del Taco).

Is it smart for the Phillies to play the sugar momma to his sugar baby? It won’t be a relationship built on love, but one built on cash. Let’s be honest, isn’t that how free agency always works? Players always prefer one destination over the other, but cash can make them change their mind awfully quick.

This is the corner the Phillies have backed themselves into, so it’s time to embrace it. Years of big talk, Middleton making his infamous December comments, and now it’s Harper or bust, even if he truly doesn’t want to play here in the first place.

Perfect weather won’t feel better than $350 million over 10 years, will it?

And so what? His heart will be in California, but his fine ass will belong to us. He’ll be comfortable here. He’ll live a life of luxury and never want for styling gel or tanning oil again. As long as he keeps producing we’ll love him….and maybe he’ll learn to love us. Sure, he won’t kiss on the mouth, and he’ll probably be seeing someone else on the side in a few years, but these could still be fun years, right?

What do you say, Philadelphia? Should the Phillies pull out the stops and bring some A1 eye-candy into this city? Or should they find someone who loves them for who they are?

Reel him in, John. Philadelphia isn’t going to do better.

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13 Comments

  • Paul Holmgren February 28, 2019 at 9:40 am

    Do it!

    Reply
  • The peach pit after dark February 28, 2019 at 9:42 am

    Bryce definitely pulled a cliff lee and married his high school sweetheart. He definitely can pull better tail than that . Hopefully he cheats like Victorino did

    Reply
    • Coggin Toboggan February 28, 2019 at 9:46 am

      You win the award for best commenter name.

      Reply
  • Catfish Billy February 28, 2019 at 9:50 am

    Yes. It’s been a good offseason but Middleton wrote the check with the stupid money comment. Time for his a$$ to cash it. A superstar of this magnitude doesn’t come along every day and spare me Mike Trout. There’s a good chance he never sees free agency and if he does every team will be in on him. Just because hes from Jersey and has Eagles tickets don’t mean he is gonna give us some kind of preferential treatment. Harper is in our grasp. Offer him a monster deal that no one is going to touch. If he takes less money to go to LA they can at least sell to the fanbase that we did everything possible. We weren’t outbid. I still think this is all about $ so we still have a great chance. When has a Boras ever left money on the table?

    Reply
  • Shart Shartveit February 28, 2019 at 9:56 am

    I don’t care what uniform he is wearing, the next time I see Bryce Harper come up to the plate at CBP, I am booing him until my throat bleeds.

    Reply
    • DD February 28, 2019 at 12:20 pm

      That’ll teach him!

      Reply
  • Pay him February 28, 2019 at 10:00 am

    Unfortunately the tide has turned because a lot of people are controlled by sports radio hosts who complain about how long this process is taking. “Screw him. Let him go to LA. We’ll get Trout!” Uhh no you wont. You aren’t getting Trout. Stop bringing him up just because you get all fuzzy inside seeing him at an Eagles game. The Angels would rather fold as a franchise than give up on the best player in baseball and maybe of all time. And even if he somehow hit Free Agency, you have to deal with the Yankees, Dodgers, Red Sox, Cubs, and any other big market team. This is the time to make a splash. Ignore the idiot sports radio hosts and callers that are so upset about talking Harper because they only know how to talk football. Gee combine talk. How fun! Sign the man, John

    Reply
    • Kyle Stinks February 28, 2019 at 10:52 am

      Can you imagine being a person who listens to that 97.5 morning show and being like “man this is good radio”? I would like to interview someone who thinks that.

      Reply
      • TS February 28, 2019 at 1:10 pm

        why stop at the morning show?

        Reply
  • Sh February 28, 2019 at 10:02 am

    who cares anymore? He’s going to LA.

    And what is this I hear about Chase Utley working for the Dodgers? The Phillies couldn’t get one of their most beloved players to work for them after retirement?

    Reply
  • Gay Ramone February 28, 2019 at 10:50 am

    Offer the douche 10 at 375 with an opt out after 3 years. If he won’t accept, fuck him. Get Kimbrel.

    Reply
  • bob February 28, 2019 at 12:44 pm

    Do you have an actual quote from a real person in Harper’s camp that says he doesn’t want to play here? Otherwise, how is this point clear? Appears to me he has a bidding war going for his services and wants the best deal. Until proven otherwise, that is the only thing we know for sure …

    Reply
  • Dennis M February 28, 2019 at 1:46 pm

    Never get somebody who really doesn’t want to be on your “Team”… He’s a suspect fielder….often sits out for minor injuries… .249 hitter and now jacking his demands… Screw him AND his pimp agent !

    Reply
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