The Phillies are the Bad Boys of Major League Baseball

Photo credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

What a difference a week makes.

Last Thursday morning the city was ready to burn down Citizens Bank Park with the flaming piles of stupid money John Middleton taunted fans with before free agency. We wanted to see the world burn. Reports were streaming in that Bryce Harper and the Phillies were “far apart” in terms of money and other franchises were swarming into the fray like vultures circling a slowly dying zebra on the Serengeti, waiting to pick the bones clean after the deal died on the arid plains.

But at 3 p.m. Jon Heyman dropped the bomb that changed everything with the Phillies’ future:

For the next 13 years the Phillies, the losingest franchise in ALL of professional sports, would have the services of a top five player for the rest of his career. The franchise suddenly had the BEST offseason it had ever had in its history and arguably the best lineup in baseball. Frazzled Phillies interns were relieved of their fruitless duties of finding obscure advanced stats that would SOMEHOW show fans that J.T. Realmuto was just as valuable Harper.

A week later the Phillies have Harper. And Realmuto. And Segura. And McCutchen.

And a week later they’re the bad boys of baseball. With Harper leading the charge, Middleton is now walking into the Clearwater facility wearing beige khakis three sizes too small, showing off the bulge that proved so many doubters (myself included) that he could never land the big fish he promised all of us for years.

A week later Harper is openly telling the media he’ll be courting the best player in baseball, Mike Trout, to play with the Phillies in 2021. What world are we living in? What wormhole did we slip into to come out to this glorious new reality?

Harper didn’t beat around the bush either. He wasn’t being coy or mysterious. He told reporters, point blank, he would pick up his rotary phone, ask the operator to connect him to Anaheim, and sell Trout on abandoning the Angels to come home to Philadelphia.

He played the role of a bully in an 80s movie to perfection, except this time Harper side-stepped the Angel’s crane kick and blasted them in the face with an overhand right to win the All-Valley Karate Tournament. Harper left the stadium with the kickass trophy, the Angels knocked out on the mat, and Mike Trout at his side.

Wha….what is going on here? Philadelphia is a destination to play baseball? They can actually court top-tier free agents and pay top-tier money, nay, OVERPAY for top-tier free agents? Harper and this suddenly JUICED franchise has whipped its dick out of its pants, slapped it on the table in front of the rest of baseball, and stared at every other owner until they looked away in shame.

It’s marvelous. The Phillies are strutting around like Stone Cold Steve Austin circa 1999, dealing out stunners to the haters and openly thwarting authority with a brashness that just makes them MORE popular. It is not beyond reason to expect Harper to drive a beer truck onto the field against the Braves in the home opener and douse poor head coach Brian Gerald Snitker with gallons of Budweiser to the delight of thousands at Citizens Bank Park.

When Anaheim got wind that Harper was courting their superstar, they sent a STRONGLY WORDED email to Major League Baseball asking them to make Harper stop.

Harper told them to go screw, but in a much nicer way:

“If I didn’t mean it, I wouldn’t have said it…They look into everything.”

Translation: “Go fuck yourselves, Major League Baseball. I AM ABOVE THE LAW.”

I am giddy. Is that what it felt like to be a Yankees fan in the late 90s and early 2000s? Loathed by everyone, deep pockets, signing free agents just for the fun of it? A mentally disturbed owner willing to spend more money than anyone else to spite every other team in baseball? I can see why all these fans were so fucking smug, it’s an intoxicating feeling and I want more.

I want Trout in 2021. I want Craig Kimbrel yesterday. I want Dallas Keuchel tomorrow.

Give them to me. Give them ALL TO ME. We have grown accustomed to only the finest things in Philadelphia sports and it must continue.

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17 Comments

  • C March 7, 2019 at 12:38 pm

    Bryce Harper is not a top 5 player. A top 15 player perhaps, which is still amazing, but there is no objective way to say in 2019 he is a top 5 player in baseball.

    Reply
  • bob March 7, 2019 at 12:45 pm

    Coggin, you write the type of articles that brought me to this site, so many years back, in the first place …well done my friend, well done

    Reply
  • Zzzzzzzzzzzzz March 7, 2019 at 1:03 pm

    Anything new on the CB Marketing position with the laughable salary that doesn’t come with any benefits?

    Also, Russ has such a punchable face.

    Reply
    • Anything on kyle’s laughable sports betting videos March 7, 2019 at 1:09 pm

      Dude is batting .500 on picks, if we’re being generous. And the production quality of those vids is hilarious.

      Reply
    • Reality March 7, 2019 at 2:30 pm

      Yea I think Kyle grossly underestimated how much it would cost to hire out high level online marketing. The skills he was listing are far beyond entry level yet the pay he is offering is a step above intern cash. Something tells me in 6 months Kyle will be back to this full time, all writers will be Jim Adair’d. and the gambling experiment will vanish.

      Reply
  • Dante Dong March 7, 2019 at 1:22 pm

    Everyone I know thinks Donald Trump is the biggest rancid ape in the world. and they’re right, he is. But Coggin is a very close second.

    Reply
  • The True Kings of Baseball March 7, 2019 at 1:23 pm

    We eat only the finest meats and cheeses.

    Reply
  • John Middleton March 7, 2019 at 1:35 pm

    Ahem, my beige khakis are actually FOUR sizes too small.

    Reply
    • if you can get trout March 7, 2019 at 1:45 pm

      you can bypass clothing from waist down…noone will even look the other way.

      Reply
  • Dick Gazinya March 7, 2019 at 1:48 pm

    This was actually a very entertaining read. Well done.

    Reply
  • Dick cavett March 7, 2019 at 2:00 pm

    I heard the Cuz is slinging 10 inches

    Reply
  • Aton shandler March 7, 2019 at 2:08 pm

    I’m national!!!!

    Reply
    • Big daddy graham March 7, 2019 at 2:35 pm

      I’m the king of overnight shift.

      Reply
  • 4 for 4 tested March 7, 2019 at 2:43 pm

    The cuz is the bad boy of radio

    Reply
  • No Vaseline March 7, 2019 at 3:09 pm

    Why does every blogger/millennial on this site talk the same way? It’s so weird. Develop your own style.

    Reply
    • Kevin Kinkead March 7, 2019 at 3:17 pm

      kind of like the trolls in the comments section, wouldn’t you say?

      Reply
  • STEPHEN ROTHFELD March 21, 2019 at 9:17 am

    ITS GREAT TO HAVE BRYCE HARPER.

    Reply
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