Drake’s Attempt to Curse the 76ers Will Only Cement His Own Misery


Cursed man first and acclaimed rapper second, Drake sounds like a man who is sick and tired of being cursed. After Toronto’s Game 1 victory, Drake reportedly told any fans who would listen that he was assuredly not cursed, but it was instead 76ers limited owner Michael Rubin who had placed a curse on his own team.

ESPN NBA reporter Dave McMenamin broke news of the story on twitter:

I don’t know about you, but that sounds like the words of a cursed man desperately trying to pass the curse on to someone else. The Michael Rubin curse? Get the hell out of here. Rubin was instrumental in the freeing of Meek Mill. Drake was instrumental in cursing the Raptors to lose some of the most gut-wrenching playoff series in recent memory.

It’s the Drake curse, it will always be the Drake curse, and the 76ers need to take full advantage of his wretched soul.

The curse of Drake has taken on a life of its own. There are countless stories of Drake publicly supporting teams and supporting high-profile athletes before the biggest moments of their lives, only for them to crash and burn soon after on the highest stage. What happened when he wore an Alabama jersey before the National Title game against Clemson? Clemson rolls. Endorses Connor McGregor before the Khabib fight? Khabib knocks McGregor’s block off. Serena Williams in 2015? She loses to a 300-1 underdog at the U.S. Open.

There are definitely pictures of Drake repping a measles vaccination jersey somewhere on the internet. That would explain a lot.

AS Roma, a professional Italian soccer team, recently went so far as to ban all players from taking pictures with the accursed celebrity.

Woe is to Drake, but this is playoffs and the 76ers need to take advantage of this man’s horrible affliction.

He is cursed, make no second guesses about it. The more he says he’s not cursed, the more you know he is. The more he says he doesn’t think about it, the more he obviously does. In almost every zombie movie ever made there’s a cowardly character who hides a zombie bite from the entire group, not wanting to die, and ends up putting the entire group of heroes at risk. Drake is putting himself first by denying the curse, going to games to hopefully break the curse, and seeing every team or athlete he supports fail in spectacular fashion.

Drake’s mere presence at every Raptors game put them at risk of losing. Seeing him on the sidelines must, at the very least, make everyone on that Toronto roster furrow their brow for just a mere moment. How could you not? It’s mysterious and crippling, and for that very reason Drake absolutely must be at the Wells Fargo Center for Game 3.

Maybe while Drake was spray painting his hair on in the mirror this morning he had second thoughts. Maybe, he thought to himself, he is cursed and he needs to stay far away from his beloved Raptors to give them every shot at getting out of this second round.

And maybe, just maybe, the 76ers need to invite him to Game 3 on a private jet and give him complimentary court side seats. Of course, there should be some caveats to this “generous” offer from Michael Rubin and the gang.

To attend the game, Drake must wear only official Raptors merchandise, may only enter the Raptors locker room prior to tipoff, and is FORBIDDEN from making any physical contact with any Philadelphia athlete, active or retired. If he’s seen doing any of these things, he’ll be forcibly removed from the building and his cursed ass will be catapulted back over the Canadian border.

Forget getting rid of the dribble hand offs, forget the defensive match ups, this is the only strategy the 76ers should focus on to assure a Game 3 victory.

Get Drake in the building. Keep Kevin Hart out of the building. Victory assured.


5 Responses

  1. Remember when they wouldn’t let him in the locker room? Security had no idea who he was. With that low hairline and Arab looking face they thought he was a security risk

  2. Cobbin or Phill?

    Toss up. Kinkers a cowardly bigot tho. Own it bud

  3. Is the least funny person in the Delaware valley. Most cringe inducing, though.

  4. Drake got one thing right. Michael Rubin is limited…in brain power considering his love of Meek Mill.

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