Diner en Blanc is the Dumbest Social Event in Philadelphia

via 6 ABC

Missed out on Diner en Blanc last night? No worries, you can still get in on all the action and experience it for yourself. Take $55 out of your wallet, put on your finest white wardrobe, make sure to stand outside in the heat until you’re drenched in sweat, and set that $55 on fire and watch it burn right before your eyes.

Congratulations, you just held your very own private Diner en Blanc and had as much fun as the rubes who went to the real thing last night.

Diner en Blanc is the WORST social event in Philadelphia and it’s not even close.

For the uninitiated, Diner en Blanc was a social event invented by the French in 1988 as a way to swindle hardworking citizens out of $55 in the name of “high society” and “class.” As with most pretentious French fads, the event quickly spread throughout the world and became popular with a subsection of society who were eager to impress their friends and family with their grace and sophistication, because what’s more graceful and sophisticated than ass sweat on white pleated khakis?

And one simply does not BUY a ticket to Diner en Blanc. Oh no, you heathen, this is no ordinary dinner. You have to be SPONSORED by someone who went to a previous event, be it a friend of an organizer, or be one of the lucky morons who signed up on a waiting list YEARS in advance. And what do you get for your troubles? What does a ticket to the event provide you? Well strap in mother fucker, because it doesn’t get much better than this. It provides you an opportunity to lug your own chairs, your own table, your own drinks and food to an undisclosed location in the sweltering humidity and pungent smells of Philadelphia in August, all for the privilege of EATING OUTSIDE with no amenities provided for your party whatsoever!

“I’ve got dinner all planned tonight hunny, do you have $110?”

“$110? That’s a little pricey, where do you want to go?”

“Well I thought it would be fun to carry our picnic table and chairs to a urine soaked parking lot on Broad Street and eat outside in the stifling humidity with people we don’t know! Oh also, you have to wear all white, there is no alcohol other than wine, and we have to bring all of our own white cutlery, white plates, white glasses, and we won’t know where it is until an hour before it starts! Doesn’t that sound like fun?!”

“I want a divorce.”

If it benefited some cause, a charity, a foundation, then I could understand the trouble and desire to participate. But as it stands, Diner en Blanc supports what, exactly? Next year’s Diner en Blanc? Is the ticket money given as a prize to whomever captures and kills the drifter that is set loose in the city after dessert and hunted down by event guests? (Only rumored to actually happen)

It’s pretentious nonsense with a creepy, cultish bent to it. The all-dressed-in-white crowd looks like a casting call for a “Purge” sequel and I’m sure one or two of them will be donning macabre masks before the night is over.

This year’s dinner was held at Boathouse Row (lovely scents of the Schuylkill River the only thing included for free) and I’m sure it looked fabulous….but who gives a shit? YOU’RE PAYING FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF EATING OUTSIDE AND WEARING WHITE. You’re not a member of the upper crust, you’re not one of the social elites, and you’re certainly not the envy of your friends if you went to Diner en Blanc….you’re a schmuck who got conned by the French and we all hate you for doing so.

Sure they provide entertainment, but you know it’s just a hipster juggler with a handlebar mustache riding around the event on one of the old-time bicycles with the huge front wheel. Maybe there’s a three-piece band that consists of nothing but a stand-up bass, a ukulele, and an old accordion that specializes in 19th century french jazz standards. WHAT MIRTH!

I didn’t even touch on any of the elitist or racial implications of the event, but I will say that after LeSean McCoy was traded to the Bills he insinuated Diner en Blanc was Chip Kelly’s favorite part of being in Philadelphia.

Next summer I’m hosting Diner en Heights. For $10 a ticket you can come hang out in my South Jersey backyard, wear whatever the fuck you want, I’ll buy a couple hoagies from Primos and a keg of the finest domestic beer money can buy will be provided. Someone bring a sleeve of red solo cups and we’ll be all set.

See everyone there. If you wear white you will not be admitted.

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33 Comments

  • Waiter en Blanc August 23, 2019 at 10:43 am

    This event is a Nova alumni event, no?

    Reply
    • Rowhome August 23, 2019 at 7:59 pm

      It’s cool. My boys and me will clean up.

      Reply
    • Dîner dans la cour August 25, 2019 at 4:44 pm

      Please tell me the author is wrong about lugging your own chairs and tables. Please tell me that the organizers provide at least that.

      Reply
      • Ci August 25, 2019 at 7:53 pm

        Nope! You bring EVERYTHING!

        Reply
      • Ck August 28, 2019 at 6:57 pm

        Nope, absolutely correct. However, you do have the option to rent them from the organizers.

        Reply
  • jim August 23, 2019 at 10:57 am

    Man, what a crybaby bitch.

    Reply
    • JIM August 23, 2019 at 1:51 pm

      Narrator: It was Jim who was, in fact, the crybaby bitch

      Reply
    • Kenyatta D. Donley August 28, 2019 at 1:21 pm

      Facts!

      Reply
  • You're* August 23, 2019 at 11:04 am

    Probably from Delco…

    Reply
    • Cool-Not Cool August 23, 2019 at 11:14 am

      No shot at Delco, Wife-beaters and denim shorts.

      Reply
      • had me at wife beaters August 23, 2019 at 11:30 am

        Things are getting kinky now

        Reply
  • Sal Pal August 23, 2019 at 11:17 am

    I agree

    Reply
  • Matt August 23, 2019 at 12:09 pm

    Sounds like someone hasn’t gotten an invite. Better luck next year kid…

    Reply
  • Phil Adelphia August 23, 2019 at 12:25 pm

    You had me until you said you were from South Jersey.

    Reply
  • Hahahahaha August 23, 2019 at 12:36 pm

    This was good Coggin…..very good.

    Reply
  • fire angelo August 23, 2019 at 12:49 pm

    I would put the Wing Bowl and Fanatic Fan Fest at the top of any “dumbest social events in Philadelphia” list!

    Reply
  • Rod King August 23, 2019 at 1:11 pm

    I don’t think you know what rube means and khakis aren’t white. Other than that you were accurate. I can’t believe people actually go to this and worse pay to go to it

    Reply
  • Yo Cog, August 23, 2019 at 1:48 pm

    I think you’re off on the racial angle, hon. This looks like an event that scores big in the colored community. Jay-Zish and whatnot.

    Reply
    • Ryan August 24, 2019 at 10:45 am

      Colored?

      Reply
    • Nonya August 24, 2019 at 10:56 pm

      Colored? Asshole

      Reply
    • Erin Hucker August 24, 2019 at 10:58 pm

      What fucking century is your loser ass living in… colored?

      Reply
  • Cecil August 23, 2019 at 1:50 pm

    Bunch of losers at that event . Fuck

    Reply
  • JD August 23, 2019 at 4:42 pm

    I can honestly say this is the most well written article that I’ve read in years. The other media outlets should take note. Thank you

    Reply
  • Vin Deeznuts August 23, 2019 at 5:06 pm

    Why pay $55 when you can pay hundreds of dollars for an Eagles game and blackout before kickoff.

    Reply
  • Globe troller August 24, 2019 at 12:51 am

    Dumbest event??? CB ugly Christmas sweater party. ‘Nuff said

    Reply
  • Sandy August 24, 2019 at 12:33 pm

    Why does everything have to be about color? The one thing about this event is that it is the most diverse event in the city. I saw young,/old, blacks/whites, Straight/Gay, rich/poor. Yes, people have to bring everything! To see thousands of people from all walks of life come together and enjoy an evening is just beautiful.

    Reply
  • Jolene August 24, 2019 at 10:28 pm

    This event has nothing to do with being rich. I just attended the event in Montreal. 5000 people from all walks of life having the best time. I think you need to check your story on how this event came to he. It started as a picnic in a park in Paris.

    Reply
  • me August 26, 2019 at 2:07 pm

    thing is you aren’t willing to come out of box small box. Did you attend, if not….hold the comments. I think you’d complain about anything seems………….oh well, we enjoy our DEB experience. Glad you don’t like the idea because those with your mindset stays away.

    Reply
  • John August 26, 2019 at 5:17 pm

    Sounds like someone either A. missed out on an invite, B. couldn’t find white or C. has never taken his woman out on a $100+ date; a date that include a pretty cool experience. lol

    Reply
    • Mike August 27, 2019 at 2:21 pm

      What does going out on a 100 dollar date have to do with anything? You just threw that in there but it was irrelevant

      Reply
      • Big Sigh August 29, 2019 at 8:17 pm

        It’s approximately the cost of the Dinner en Blanc for two…

        Reply
  • Kaligryl August 26, 2019 at 5:18 pm

    Husband and I attend every year and it’s one of the best times we’ve had in Atlanta. Sorry your city doesn’t live up….
    People always trying to downplay a good thing.

    Reply
  • Nahhhhh August 27, 2019 at 6:24 pm

    Stick to sports. You have NO idea what you are talking about.

    Reply
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