Missed out on Diner en Blanc last night? No worries, you can still get in on all the action and experience it for yourself. Take $55 out of your wallet, put on your finest white wardrobe, make sure to stand outside in the heat until you’re drenched in sweat, and set that $55 on fire and watch it burn right before your eyes.
Congratulations, you just held your very own private Diner en Blanc and had as much fun as the rubes who went to the real thing last night.
Diner en Blanc is the WORST social event in Philadelphia and it’s not even close.
For the uninitiated, Diner en Blanc was a social event invented by the French in 1988 as a way to swindle hardworking citizens out of $55 in the name of “high society” and “class.” As with most pretentious French fads, the event quickly spread throughout the world and became popular with a subsection of society who were eager to impress their friends and family with their grace and sophistication, because what’s more graceful and sophisticated than ass sweat on white pleated khakis?
And one simply does not BUY a ticket to Diner en Blanc. Oh no, you heathen, this is no ordinary dinner. You have to be SPONSORED by someone who went to a previous event, be it a friend of an organizer, or be one of the lucky morons who signed up on a waiting list YEARS in advance. And what do you get for your troubles? What does a ticket to the event provide you? Well strap in mother fucker, because it doesn’t get much better than this. It provides you an opportunity to lug your own chairs, your own table, your own drinks and food to an undisclosed location in the sweltering humidity and pungent smells of Philadelphia in August, all for the privilege of EATING OUTSIDE with no amenities provided for your party whatsoever!
“I’ve got dinner all planned tonight hunny, do you have $110?”
“$110? That’s a little pricey, where do you want to go?”
“Well I thought it would be fun to carry our picnic table and chairs to a urine soaked parking lot on Broad Street and eat outside in the stifling humidity with people we don’t know! Oh also, you have to wear all white, there is no alcohol other than wine, and we have to bring all of our own white cutlery, white plates, white glasses, and we won’t know where it is until an hour before it starts! Doesn’t that sound like fun?!”
“I want a divorce.”
If it benefited some cause, a charity, a foundation, then I could understand the trouble and desire to participate. But as it stands, Diner en Blanc supports what, exactly? Next year’s Diner en Blanc? Is the ticket money given as a prize to whomever captures and kills the drifter that is set loose in the city after dessert and hunted down by event guests? (Only rumored to actually happen)
It’s pretentious nonsense with a creepy, cultish bent to it. The all-dressed-in-white crowd looks like a casting call for a “Purge” sequel and I’m sure one or two of them will be donning macabre masks before the night is over.
This year’s dinner was held at Boathouse Row (lovely scents of the Schuylkill River the only thing included for free) and I’m sure it looked fabulous….but who gives a shit? YOU’RE PAYING FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF EATING OUTSIDE AND WEARING WHITE. You’re not a member of the upper crust, you’re not one of the social elites, and you’re certainly not the envy of your friends if you went to Diner en Blanc….you’re a schmuck who got conned by the French and we all hate you for doing so.
Sure they provide entertainment, but you know it’s just a hipster juggler with a handlebar mustache riding around the event on one of the old-time bicycles with the huge front wheel. Maybe there’s a three-piece band that consists of nothing but a stand-up bass, a ukulele, and an old accordion that specializes in 19th century french jazz standards. WHAT MIRTH!
I didn’t even touch on any of the elitist or racial implications of the event, but I will say that after LeSean McCoy was traded to the Bills he insinuated Diner en Blanc was Chip Kelly’s favorite part of being in Philadelphia.
Next summer I’m hosting Diner en Heights. For $10 a ticket you can come hang out in my South Jersey backyard, wear whatever the fuck you want, I’ll buy a couple hoagies from Primos and a keg of the finest domestic beer money can buy will be provided. Someone bring a sleeve of red solo cups and we’ll be all set.
See everyone there. If you wear white you will not be admitted.