Let’s All Be Thankful, Philadelphia

Happy Thanksgiving, Philadelphia! Whether you’re celebrating with your family tomorrow or jealously peering through the windows of your neighbor’s home as you eat an expired, freezer-burned turkey Hot Pocket, I’d like to wish you all a wonderful holiday from the bottom of my cold, dead heart.

This holiday is all about important traditions. The food, the family, your mom having to clean up the green bean casserole thrown against the wall by your dad during an argument with that one uncle you all hoped wouldn’t make it but showed up late reeking of cheap gin – these are all crucial elements to any successful Thanksgiving.

But, it’s easy to forget that Thanksgiving is the one time of year we should take stock of our lives and realize what we’re truly thankful for. I feel that we often forget to be thankful for the blessings that have been bestowed upon Philadelphia, our lives, and our sports teams.

Be thankful, Philadelphia, for Angelo Cataldi signing a multi-year contract extension with 94 WIP. What other 68-year-old, Providence, Rhode Island native who masquerades himself as a born and bred Philadelphian would we look to for guidance on how to be “real fans?” His grating shtick, uncanny ability to stir up controversy, and an almost supernatural ability to flip-flop personal opinions to suit his arguments while presenting no worthwhile substance or discussion is something we all need to be thankful for.

Be thankful, Philadelphia, for Joel Embiid scoring zero points against the Toronto Raptors on Monday night. The ignominious feat was by far the worst performance in his entire career. It can only get better from there, right? RIGHT?!

Be thankful, Philadelphia, for the same Pennsylvania lottery Christmas commercial that has aired for the last 30 years. You know the one, “Five cash fives!” that starts airing every year in October. How can the outrageously dubbed, “Happy Holidays, Rita!” not put a smile on your face every time you see it? I don’t know about you, but I’ve always found the PERFECT gift to give the newspaper stand employee forced to work on Christmas eve is a couple of lottery tickets. All those actors are also probably long dead, so I guess you can be thankful you’re not one of them.

Be thankful, Philadelphia, for Gabe Kapler. Won’t see him no more, but the jokes about analytics, coconut oil, and blind devotion to garbage heaps like Sean Rodriguez and Vince Velasquez will live forever and warm the cockles of our hearts.

Be thankful, Philadelphia, for Ben Simmons finally hitting a three. Cherish it, because you won’t see it again for the rest of the season.

Be thankful, Philadelphia, for Carson Wentz. Nobody has had a worse week than Carson, so no matter how awful your life is you still have that going for you… and you probably could have completed that little swing pass to Miles Sanders in the flat.

Be thankful, Philadelphia, for the Eagles not playing on Thanksgiving. You don’t need the Birds ruining the holiday, you’ll do fine ruining it yourself after you have that sixth Jim Beam before 3 p.m. and wake up five hours later face down in an ant hill.

Be thankful, Philadelphia, for the Eagles winning a Super Bowl in 2017 BECAUSE IT SURE AS HELL DOESN’T SEEM LIKE THEY’LL BE WINNING ANOTHER ONE ANYTIME SOON.

Have a great Thanksgiving, Philadelphia.

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6 Responses

  1. I’m thankful for Carson Wentz, finally getting exposed for the overrated fraud that he truly is.

    That is all, happy Thanksgiving!

  2. Instead of retiring that shitty commercial that was already old the 2nd year it aired, they fucking REMADE it in HD. Almost as bad as the stupid ass groundhog

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