Pretend To Be a Member of the Cultural Elite and Bid on Fantastic 76ers Artwork

The Sixers wrapped up their Crossover art exhibition at the Fitler Club in Philadelphia last night with a VIP event to showcase more than 200 pieces of artwork created by more than 100 talented artists from across the world. But you, yes YOU can still get your grubby, oily, low-class mitts on a piece of high society by bidding on any of the pieces of artwork featured at the event.

Drag yourself away from the rest of the polloi in this city and spend a few dollars on anything other than corn nuts and/or pornography for once in your life.

The Sixers launched a silent auction through the team app where you can bid on any of the artwork. There’s never been a better time to replace the Scarface poster on your wall with something that won’t be a complete embarrassment to you and your guests.

We’ll showcase a few of our favorite pieces after the jump.

A quick note first:

Every piece in the auction is truly impressive and legitimate artwork, unlike the piece I submitted to the 76ers that was quickly rejected. You fill up one shoebox with puke and title it “Karl-Anthony Towns in Repose” and you end up on a watch list for the rest of your life. Nobody understands my work. It’s all about the puke I didn’t use; you heathens just aren’t ready for my genius yet.

Here are a few of the pieces that were selected for the event.


Dr. J by Ryan Simpson

You can practically feel the breeze flowing through Dr. J’s gloriously manicured fro as he stares off into oblivion. What is he thinking about? The duality of man? Kantian ethics and how they apply to today’s modern world? Basketball? It’s probably basketball. Rumor has it if you buy this painting you hear the soft echoes of Parliament Funkadelic’s “Do that Stuff” playing sweetly along the wind in the distance.

Allen Iverson by @naturel

Original, creative, very well done. Just one question: How do we even know that’s Allen Iverson’s skeleton? It could be Larry Hughes’ skeleton for all we know, and that would be a ripoff of epic proportions. If it’s Allen’s, I’ll pay whatever you want, but if I find out that’s Tony Wroten I’ll be very, very disappointed.

Simmons 1700 by Malachi

A legitimately wonderful painting of Ben Simmons in the 18th century. According to scholars, the 18th century Simmons would only shoot his musket at targets less than 5-feet away, much to the consternation of the entire Continental Army at the time that implored him to fire away from longer distances. Absolutely fascinating.

Phila Unite Red Bull Cooler by Brunofsky

Very nicely designed and painted cooler, perfect for any discerning 76ers fan. But let’s not kid ourselves, with the average fan in our city the only thing the inside of that cooler is going to see is beer and/or a rogue soda. All I’m saying is that cooler will likely see a lot less bagged salads and a lot more insulin for type 2 diabetics if you catch my drift.

Ben Simmons by Kevin Grummun

Wait a minute….this looks familiar…where have I see this before? It’s on the tip of my tongue but I just can’t quite place it….hold on a second.

 

Oh Grummun you magnificent bastard. Take all of my money right now. Unlike every single David Lynch film I’ve ever seen, I actually think I understand what I’m looking at here. I look forward to getting your Ben Simmons/Eraserhead mashup back to my home and immediately be haunted by an otherworldly, hellish child that appears in my bathtub and is never fully explained. What a genius.

Tobias Harris Photography by Alex Subers

Oh hello, I didn’t see you there. Please come in, enjoy my fine library, my many tomes, and my fabulous leather couch of which I rest my weary bones upon when the rigors of professional athletics seem too much to handle. It is here where I recharge my soul with the finest works that men and women have ever set pen to paper. Can I interest you in some sherry, imported just last week from a small villa in Spain? 

Yeah, okay, we get it Tobias. You’re a reader. Congratulations.

Allen Iverson Reaper by Tyson Beck

I’d be so much more into organized religion if I believed Allen Iverson was going to meet me at the Pearly Gates and try to cross me up before I could enter the land of milk and honey. Definitely wouldn’t mind having my soul reaped by AI. He’d probably take me out to TGI Friday’s before sending me to hell after demolishing me in a game of “21.”  Totally worth eternal damnation to slug a few beers and enjoy the never-ending appetizers with Bubba Chuck [Editor’s note: my mandated name drop that I played Roulette with Allen Iverson last year]. But wait…if the jalapeno poppers are truly never-ending we would never leave…and maybe eating never-ending apps with Iverson is truly heaven? Or maybe it’s a twisted form of limbo where anything that never ends is indeed hell?

Great art makes you question everything you once believed. Well done, Tyson Beck.

Those are just a few of the fantastic pieces you can bid on at the 76ers app. Support the arts, support the 76ers, and leave the Ben Simmons/Eraserhead mashup to me. That fucker’s mine.

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