On-Brand Gender Reveals for the Discerning Philadelphia Athlete

via Instagram

Carson Wentz revealed the gender of his unborn child in a unique way this past week, as his wife Madison Oberg hucked powder-filled footballs into the air while Wentz and his buddies blasted away with shotguns in the most on-brand reveal of all time.

The happy couple will welcome a girl into the world who will only be able to be soothed asleep to the crack of a shotgun ringing through her ears, which in all honesty won’t be much of a problem considering how much of an outdoorsman Wentz seems to be.

Now, I could make all the obvious jokes about how Nick Foles would have done a better gender reveal, or would have shot the gun more accurately than Wentz, or actually has a Super Bowl ring to pass down to his children that was given to him for more than just standing around on the sidelines, but I won’t do that. It’s a momentous occasion for the Wentz family that doesn’t have to be cheapened by sub-par jokes about firing his shotgun high and outside, just like his swing passes.

It was a creative, unique gender reveal that suited the Wentz family well. They love to hunt, they love to shoot, they love football… it worked. So how could other Philadelphia athletes creatively reveal the genders of their future children? Be them planned, a happy surprise, or a haunting mistake like my mother has so constantly reminded me over the years, the reveals after the jump are perfectly crafted for the athletes in mind.

Ben Simmons: Simmons and the lucky mother-to-be stand near a basketball hoop with a balloon filled with colored water. A crowd of family and friends encourage Ben to shoot the balloon, but instead of taking the wide open shot he hesitates and passes the balloon at the last moment into his unsuspecting partner’s face, disappointing everyone as she’s completely drenched in pink water. It happens 10 more times until he effortlessly tosses the final balloon through the hoop from 26-feet to the utter bewilderment of everyone watching.

Mike Scott: Scott takes burlap bags off the heads of the four very confused Eagles fans he fought at the tailgate in week one of the NFL season. He’d square up with each one until each was sprawled out unconscious on the pavement, before finally picking up one of the dazed fans and placing him in the very same coffin they brought to their tailgate. A blue satin pillow would tip off guests to the gender of the happy couple’s child before Scott closed the casket lid. Fun for the whole family!

Nelson Agholor: Attempts to catch a football thrown to him from his very pregnant partner, but just can’t track any of the deeper thrown balls over five yards. While funny at first, it becomes more and more depressing with each subsequent failure. Eventually decides to create a new burner account on Twitter to reveal the gender.

Zack Wheeler: Newest member of the Phillies throws a powder colored baseball at a target in his backyard. Strains his shoulder and misses all but one month of the 2020 season. Earns $23.6 million for his troubles.

Nick Pivetta: Demoted to Triple-A on the day of planned gender reveal despite high hopes of its success. Put off indefinitely.

Anthony Rendon: Will do his in an Angels uniform because John Middleton was too cheap to pay for the big cake.

Jason Peters: Would cut into the cake for 10-seconds before handing the knife off to his partner and taking a 30-minute break. The 10-seconds of cake cutting he actually does would be amazing though.

Maikel Franco: Who cares.

Jake Voracek: Posts the gender reveal video on his Twitter page and the thousands of Flyers fans that he’s blocked over the years sadly realize they can’t see it.

Congratulations on the bundles of joy, everyone.

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7 Comments

  • TF is this December 12, 2019 at 10:00 am

    Throw your computer out bud.

    Reply
  • crossing broad gender reveal December 12, 2019 at 11:14 am

    Coggin toboggan : gender revealed after first funny article – never happens

    Bwanks: gender revealed after first correct betting prediction – never happens

    Kyle: gender revealed after first subscriber only article – never happens

    Reply
  • Coggin stinks December 12, 2019 at 11:26 am

    .

    Reply
  • Big Shot December 12, 2019 at 11:58 am

    Who fucking cares?

    Reply
  • fire angelo December 12, 2019 at 1:03 pm

    was Carson’s shot high and wide?

    Reply
  • fire angelo December 12, 2019 at 1:07 pm

    they should round up all of the lowlife scumbags who sneak on your porch and steal you Amazon packages, put them in pink and blue sweaters and let them run around the grounds…then have Carson and his cronys shoot the ones wearing the right color….solves two problems at once, gender reveals and overcrowded prisons.

    Reply
  • Would have cooler if they played the song from Jr Walker December 12, 2019 at 3:50 pm

    I said shotgun shoot ’em ‘fore he run now do the jerk baby do the jerk now.
    (Hey).
    Put on your red dress and then you go down yonder.
    I said buy yourself a shotgun now, were gonna break it down baby now.
    We’re gonna load it up baby now ‘a then you shoot ’em ‘fore he run now.

    Reply
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