Talk about your Psalms, talk about John 3:16. Coggin 3:16 says I just whipped your ass.

Ahh professional wrestling, the most glorious of all choreographed and predetermined sports this side of a Tim Donaghy reffed NBA game. Where else could you watch an undead mortician attempt to bury and murder a walking giant alive in front of 50,000 cheering fans without being prosecuted for murder? Where else, mind you, could you be lauded for crushing your billionaire boss’s skull with a steel chair without receiving AT LEAST a stern talking to?

In honor of Lane Johnson stopping by The Steve Austin Show this week for his second appearance, I think it’s only right we take a deep dive into the world of professional sports entertainment and determine which current Philadelphia athletes would excel in the squared circle as professional wrestlers. Hell, just look at Lane…. he’s already got the look of a professional wrestler, he knows how to talk shit and he’s been busted for PEDs so he’d fit right in at the WWE (sorry Lane).

Let’s take a deep dive into this current crop of Philadelphia athletes and break down the potential babyfaces (good guys), heels (bad guys) and jobbers (pieces of shit) this city has to offer.

The Top Baby Faces

Joel Embiid – Come on, how could JoJo not be on this list? He’s already got the HHH entrance down perfectly, you know he can brawl, and everyone outside of Philadelphia hates him, so he’s the PERFECT anti-hero. He could draw with his size alone, but combined with his elite athleticism he could dominate for years to come. Teach him how to throw a good big-boot a la’ Kevin Nash and you’ve got a stew going, baby. That’s too sweet. As for a trademark maneuver? I could see Joel being fairly adept at delivering a devastating Jackknife powerbomb.

Jason Kelce – He’s already delivered a better promo drunk off his ass than 99% of professional wrestlers have ever given in their entire lives, so he’d fit right in. He’s got the size and he’s got the look to make it all work. There’s no possible way Vince McMahon wouldn’t have IMMEDIATELY given Kelce a horrible lumberjack gimmick if he signed him to the WWE in 1993. ::Vince McMahon voice:: “We’ll call you ‘ALAN THE AXE MAN’ you son of a bitch! Buy some plaid shirts, we’ll make MILLIONS off of this or you’re FIREDDDDDD!” Kelce would definitely steal “the pounce” from NXT’s Keith Lee as his finisher.

Tommy Hunter – Every great wrestling organization needs at least one bonafide HOSS – a big old boy – to throw his weight around, lumber around the ring for a few minutes a night and be a general spectacle for fans to gawk at. Hunter is the hossiest member of the Phillies so he gets the nod by default. Plus, if you don’t think he’s already given at least 85% of the Phillies roster a bare-assed banzai drop in the clubhouse you’re a goddamn liar.

Carter Hart – The babiest of babyfaces. The up-and-coming “phenom” who fans have heard so much about, are WAY too excited for and hype up beyond belief before they even hit the ring. Usually don’t live up to expectations at first, but the smart fans can see the potential greatness. May need a few tweaks to their gimmick before really getting over, think Rocky Maivia before he became The Rock, but when he gets it he’ll be a mainstay for years to come. Despite his rough edges, throws one of the prettiest moonsaults anyone has ever seen.

The Top Heels

Jakob Voracek – The mainstay “evil” foreign character in any wrestling affiliation. He has different customs than we’re used too! He thinks his native country is better than ours! Boo! Boo! Bonus points for growing up in the Czech Republic, meaning he could easily be packaged into an “evil” Russian wrestler, since most Americans probably don’t know the difference. Plus, he’s already made so many enemies with his rampant and itchy blocking finger on Twitter it wouldn’t be a hard sell to package him as a heel.

Vinny Curry – Already a huge professional wrestling fan, he’s smart enough to know that the most beloved characters usually start off as heels and become so overwhelmingly popular with fans they eventually get over as babyfaces despite every effort to make them hated. Curry is smart enough to play this out to his advantage. Anyone that already owns their own championship belt and actually wore it to their Super Bowl Parade has to be involved in some capacity. I’m sure he’s practiced giving promos to himself in his bathroom mirror so he’s ahead of the game at this point. Curry you magnificent bastard, welcome aboard.

Mike Scott – Maybe the only athlete on this list who’s actually been in a real fight without a ref breaking it up in two seconds… Scott’s TECHNICALLY already performed in a casket match when he fought off five racist Eagles fans next to a coffin at a tailgate earlier this year so he’s not green. Sadly, his allegiances to the Redskins can never make him a true baby face, but he could make MILLIONS as a top-run anti-hero heel. I feel like he could throw a really good discus clothesline to get himself over.

Alshon Jeffery – Ahh the once beloved baby faced swerved into a heel, a wrestling classic! How could you not picture him smashing Carson Wentz over the head with a barbed wire baseball bat for “not giving him the respect he deserves” in front of thousands of fans. There’s no way in hell Josina Anderson wouldn’t be his shifty manager who can’t wait to throw salt in the eyes of his opponents the SECOND the referee turns his back to the action.

The Jobbers

Al Horford – Nothing more depressing than a once stellar athlete still trying to hang on to glory and the last scraps of his dignity when it’s CLEAR that his best days are behind him. Think Ric Flair in his TNA days or anything Hulk Hogan has done post-1999. Horford would be packaged in some milquetoast gimmick like “Mr. America” and would recite the National Anthem before losing each match in less than 2 minutes.

Markelle Fultz – Every wrestling company needs an injury prone former phenom who fails at everything he does and disappoints everyone. Perfect!

Who did I miss? Anyone obvious?

Note from Kinkead: Tax day is just around the corner, so I’ll leave you with some tips courtesy of Irwin R. Schyster –