Philly Police Chief Clarifies: There Will Be No Lawlessness in the Streets

Semi-freakout last night after the TV stations and other media outlets in town reported that police would stop making arrests for a specific list of non-violent crimes, like retail theft and prostitution.

This, of course, resulted in people thinking we were entering some version of “The Purge,” with masked marauders running around stealing, looting, rioting, and doing whatever else they deemed appropriate in the middle of a crisis. It was rather stupid that this information got out there in the first place, because of course people became really concerned and scared.

No worries, however. New commish Danielle Outlaw clarified the pandemic policy in a statement released just after midnight:

Hear that? All of you scoundrels who were planning some nefarious shit are gonna have to forget about it. The police department is still out and about, they’re just switching up some procedures out of an abundance of Covid caution.

Back to your regularly-scheduled programming.


15 Responses

  1. lol now this is hysterical. an already crime riddled city, run by democrats, asking for people to obey the law now. good luck with that

  2. Those socialist hipsters living in gentrified neighborhoods are going to be in deep Doo Doo when things get crazy.
    I can’t wait to hear about these fools getting killed by the din du nuff ins.

  3. 2 days ago, all of the Trumpers were claiming the whole thing was a hoax and were laughing at people who were just staying home. And telling everyone they are not going to panic.

    Now they are all loading up on guns and ammo, threatening to shoot anybody who gets too close to their ’03 Ford.

    1. You spoke to every single “Trumper”, wow. They have nothing to fear anyway. All of the citizens of Philadelphia are well behaved, upstanding citizens. I do not expect crime to increase because of this at all. In fact, they could do away with the police force in it’s entirety. The Mensa members who populate Philadelphia can definitely police themselves.

    1. to be honest, I couldn’t tell you the last time I picked up a daily news at all…..

  4. Can’t wait to see Mikey Miss, Cuz, Angelo, Woke Nat and the rest of these frauds leave their safe communities and move into the ‘Hood.

    1. Add Shart to this list. He’s so woke. In fact, he is such a man of the people that his community isn’t even gated!

  5. Fear not criminals, even if the domestic terrorist police officers arrest you, I’ll let you back onto the streets.

  6. You know you’re in trouble when the police chief’s surname is Outlaw, yet their first name is even more disturbing.

    Barricade your doors, Philly.

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