March Madness was cancelled, but the Worst of Philadelphia soldiers on. Our bracket is immune to COVID-19 and will hopefully provide at least a modicum of entertainment in between hand washings and Netflix binges.

The second round of voting is complete, and we’re narrowed the field down to eight abhorrent, wretched, and pitiful entities. But only one of these will be crowned the absolute worst of the bunch, and we’re gonna have some incredibly tough matchups coming down the pike.

To the results:

The #4 seed, “sports complex traffic,” put up a good fight, but ultimately got clobbered by Josina Anderson and her snitch. This pair has been a thorn in our side and will advance to the next round after a comprehensive opening-round victory.


Josina and her mystery source are playing the role of Duke in this tournament. Nobody really likes them, but you have to admit they’re a threat to win it all.

Strong showing for “trash everywhere,” which usually gets even worse in March because it’s windy and still cold enough to keep people inside. Maybe when it warms up we’ll get our lazy asses outside with a trash bag and clean up our neighborhoods, instead of living in filth.

Good effort by the #3 seed, “political tweets from sports writers,” but unfortunately the virtue signalers were knocked out by the higher seed.

This matchup was closer than I though.

The Philadelphia Parking Authority was a finalist in 2018, but only won a 61% to 39% split in the opening round. The PPA struggled from three-point range and had some defensive lapses early on.

Tough defeat for the #4 seed, corrupt politicians, but knowing how Philadelphia operates, they will qualify for the tournament next year and into the foreseeable future.

And this was our most lopsided victory of the round, with Angelo Cataldi’s fake outrage putting the smackdown on the #2 seed, “trying to sneak in a safe injection site without community approval.” This sets up a behemoth of a matchup between Angelo and the Parking Authority in the next round, which carries so much weight that it might shake the Earth.

Here’s your updated Elite Eight bracket: