UPDATE: No Big Deal, Just 260 Coronavirus Cases at Orlando International as the NBA Prepares to Descend upon Florida

Photo credit: Mary Holt-USA TODAY Sports

Hoo! Hoo! Fiction can be fun, but I find the reference section much more enlightening. 

Those are the words of one of Florida’s finest– Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.

He was referring to Ray Finkle’s member, but he just as well could have been talking about Florida Governor Ron DeSantis’ Coronavirus policy, which is a fantasy doctrine of do nothing. If it were on a whiteboard, it would just be the word “Brainstorm” with nothing under it.

Anyway, Florida is experiencing an expected surge in cases, just as the NBA puts the finishing touches on plans to bring 300+ millionaire athletes into the cauldron of respiratory disease that is central Florida. What could go wrong?! Well, not much once you get the players inside the luxurious bubble at Disney World.

Problem: they have to fly there, and it looks like we’re gonna need a bigger airport, Captain Winky.

Or perhaps a smaller one.

Here’s DeSantis, himself an orange, on the outbreak at Orlando International Airport:

“[An]Airport in Central Florida had a couple of cases, they did the contract tracing. They looked [at] almost 500 workers [and] 260 people working close together were positive, 52 percent positivity rate on that one,” DeSantis said.

Yeah, no big deal, just an airport in Central Florida.

The wording on that is as obtuse as possible. DeSantis would have you believe there was an outbreak ravaging Iguana Tom’s Seaplane and Breakfast Bar, not Florida’s largest airport.

UPDATE: You’re not going to believe this, but the governor was wrong– simultaneously furthering the hysteria he seeks to avoid and explaining how viruses work to the dolts who think that each case is an isolated incident like when you step in a puddle crossing the street. There were only two cases (out of 500 tests), with 128 more cases linked to the total of 132 airport employees who have tested positive for Coronavirus since March. Either way, Florida still has a problem, just perhaps not at the airport.

But this is… problematic.

Florida has no handle on this, and the greatest sports experiment of our time – which I am wholly rooting for and think can be pulled off so long as Kyrie Irving is banished from the resort – is about to take place in the middle of sheer chaos.

The good news, PER REPORTS, is that many players plan to fly into Orlando through smaller airports:

Florida Executive Airport sounds about right. Of course, they’ll still have to get on the Magical Express, which may or may not be driven by a wizard puffing out spiked proteins looking for ACE-2 inside the lungs of guys sent to run 94-foot wind-sprints for two and a half hours every other night. This new era of reality TV is gonna be truly wild.


30 Responses

    1. I will you dumb fuck head.
      Tell your old lady to call me once you are clawing for life for a ventilator
      that way i can plan ahead and put you in my schedule for when i want to walk
      on your grave in 3 weeks.
      I’ll be sure to leave a mask…which you obviously are to dumb to wear…
      on your hstone as a momento of your stupidity.

      1. The only thing on a ventilator is this copy/paste zero-new-content machine you call a website. Unless your investors are also on ventilators after looking at their portfolio and deciding to OD on Xanax.

      2. ‘name says’.
        tsk tsk editing comments other people have made.
        bad for business.
        CYNCH tanks would not approve.

    2. WOW I can remember all the articles about shithole cities and allowing people to riot and loot, amongst a pandemic. I remember those times, oh wait…..CB had nothing to say during that time.

      Now back to regularly scheduled FEAR MONGERING of the Chinese Virus

  1. oh my god, how terrifying, the virus! Run and hide, I deem we all must needs cower in fear! Just more pussy spew from another clickbait flunatical media source. Adam Schefter said we couldn’t even hold a virtual NFL draft, and evidently this Kyle Scott moron must be her girlfriend. Fuck you fearmongering asswipe, the sane world is opening up, go away and shrivel away in your basement and leave the living to the rest of us.

    1. Were you born an idiot, or did you become one listening to the orange carnival barker

      1. Add this pantywaist to the list of imbecilic cowards. Surprised this dandelion is brave enough to type, she might sprain her finger, develop a blood clot which will eventually move and create a stroke. Hey dickless, please be safe and give your keyboard to your mommy and spare us your craven moronic “thoughts”. It’s for your own good, be safe sis.

      1. How witty!! If only I could match your intelligence! Here, let me try: Keep chugging biden’s C0CK you dope. Wow, I’m a genius just like you!

        1. No your not.
          You’re just to stupid and dumb to make up your own crap
          so you have to copy other peoples shiit.
          This qualifies you for a job at CB.
          They need people that can copy.

          You already have ‘dumb’ and ‘asshole’ down.

          But there are other qualifications that are required.
          can you paste too?
          Are you a wigger?

          If so, then are already at level 2 in the CrossingWigger hiring policy.

          congrats you dumb fuck

  2. It turns our this is inaccurate. Good shit as always, Laskowski.

      1. HHahhahahahahaha

        you take the fucking cake kyle.
        first you create a CB article using content to stole form someone else.
        Then you didn’t verify it. You just ASSUMED it was correct.
        You’re a fucking idiot.

        I”m REALLY glad your idiot company is not traded publicly.
        You’d be fired within a month.

        You copied it…so now its your problem you fucking fraud.

        Typical millennial…passing the buck…avoiding responsibility
        fake outrage, social media justice warrior.

        YOU G-O-T I-T ALLLLLL!

  3. I’m always embarrassed for people wearing ridiculous masks in public lol .
    Just take vitamins helps with the immune system

  4. Funny thing …..

    Don won’t wear a mask because it will smear his self tan.

    Don’s lemmings follow the lead.

    Don is done after one term.

    Lemmings helped ruin him.

    At least you can pretend to be a badass while you sink your ship.

    1. Are you writing from Canada where you promised to move after Don’s last victory? I hate the man but he’s going to win because not enough people are going to vote for lockdown-loving flunatics or “defunding the police” and other such absurdities. The radical-left will sink your ship, whether you are a moderate or not. That sucks because Don blows I agree. I traditionally vote Repub but will vote for Biden cause of Don. But enough people will vote for Don to re-elect him, because the Dems support arbitrary fascistic lockdowns and crime, looting, anti-police etc. and most people will view Don as the lesser of two evils. That’s how Don was elected, not because people loved him, but because of Hillary.

  5. the NBA should continue with the plan AS-IS.

    This way there would be now one left to play or manage.

    F-U-C-K T-H-E-M


    Please A Silver…help drive the NBA off that cliff and i’ll be a pawbearer
    once your time is up (no charge to your estate).

    1. your plan would work, except for the fact that this virus won’t actually make any NBA player sick, unless you count a few sniffles. But I agree with your wish for the NBA’s demise, but you’ll have to think of something else than this weak wussy virus.

  6. It’s a virus. People are going to get it. We’re long past needing a running tally of cases. We’ve done this for nothing else ever.

  7. if you are under 50 and catch covid-19 you have a 99.994% survival rate. That is a verifiable fact.

  8. At the very least players will be “Macking” hotel employees. You think a guy who is in his twenties who gets strange every night is going to give that up for 6-8 weeks. Not a chance. These guys aren’t monks. If they can’t have their “WAGS” with them they go another route.

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