I know we’re not supposed to feed the trolls, but every once in a while we feel like James Downey in Billy Madison, because somebody says one of the most insanely idiotic things we have ever heard. Everyone becomes dumber for having listened to it. They are awarded no points, and may God have mercy on their soul.

That’s resident Philadelphia sports troll Eliot Shorr-Parks, who we don’t really go after on this website. We usually leave him alone, because he’s got his brand and has a good gig and does well for himself, so whatever. He’s not actively harmful, like Howard Eskin or Angelo Cataldi, who ask dumb questions or stir up fake outrage, which has a palpable negative effect on the Philadelphia sports landscape.

But this cannot go unaddressed:

ESP doesn’t believe anything he tweets because he’s on the Nick Wright path for career development, but for the sake of the post, I would say the following:

  1. There’s absolutely no way a Philadelphia sports media member is scoring a touchdown. All of us would be immediately clobbered if we stepped foot onto the field. Think Reggie Bush vs. Sheldon Brown.
  2. Saying that you would “luck into a home run” is laugh/cry/buy a gun territory. We’d all be lucky to just make contact.
  3. The only way we’re getting two points in basketball is if we shoot an uncontested 27 footer and it goes in. Everything else we would try would be immediately swatted.
  4. Ironically, the hockey goal would probably be the most attainable because you’d just have to park yourself in front of the net and eventually you’d get a lucky deflection, assuming Shea Weber doesn’t put you on your ass within three seconds of skating in front of Carey Price.

Right, so Eliot is just trolling, per the norm, but you have to begrudgingly give the guy credit. He’s carved out his brand, which is “staying relevant by saying outrageously dumb shit,” and this tweet puts him at the pinnacle, the very apex of trolling. It’s like a shit-posting nirvana, which transcends life and death itself. There is no suffering or desire, only hot takes.

It’s impressive, and the honest truth is that it’s not about hating the player, it’s about hating the game.