Fans will indeed flock to Lincoln Financial Field to see their beloved Philadelphia Eagles this season but they’ll be stiffer than Ben Davis sharing a 20-year-old anecdote about his playing days during a Phillies broadcast.

Yesterday the franchise announced the stadium’s seats would be filled with cardboard cutouts of fans, akin to what the Phillies and several Major League Baseball franchises have turned to this season to raise money for charitable organizations. Each $100 fan cutout sold will help benefit the Eagles Autism Foundation.

It’s a great idea to help benefit a fabulous charity, but Eagles fans should be held to a much higher standard than I’ve seen so far out of the Phillies fans’ efforts. You tune into a Phillies game, watch the bullpen give up a couple of earned runs, and your eyes wander to the fan cutouts filling the seats of Citizens Bank Park. What do you see? Cutesie pictures of happy couples, elated fans captured during moments of jubilation, fur babies with Phillies gear on their confused domes….AWWWW…..how adorable!

But this is football people. Cute isn’t going to cut it with football. No, I demand Eagles fans hold themselves to a grittier standard. Dog photos? Nah. You want to send in a photo of your kid in an Eagles onesie? Save that for the Phillies. You want to send in that picture of your third grader who was secretly giving you the finger during his first day of third grade? Perfect. Will fit in nicely.

Why should we sugarcoat 2020? This year and our city isn’t best defined by cute, staged photos of the nicest parts of our lives. We’re raw, unbridled, perfect representations of life as we know it. Humanity overall is much better embodied by a picture of a guy so hyped up from a Super Bowl win that he shoved horseshit into his mouth than a staged photo of someone giving a thumbs up while wearing a Brian Dawkins jersey.

Beaming couples and happy fans? Save those for the suites, maybe give them a few seconds on camera during a lull in the action. I want to see Jimmy Johnson surrounded by security guards, running out of the Vet as he’s pummeled with snowballs, his perfectly coifed hair tussled and mangled as thousands of rabid idiots put the fear of God into him. Let’s see the 10-year-old kid dousing a miserable Jets fan with popcorn right behind him.

Let’s not pretend to be something we’re not. We’re not cheerful. We’re not happy. Our default mood is gloomy and miserable, so why are we going to put something out to the public that we’re not?

Remember Go Go Gadjet? Of course you don’t. Here’s a reminder of the absolute WORST Eagles song ever recorded in the history of music:

Have you ever heard a cat puke? The wet, shrieking gagging noise followed by a moist “HORK HORK HORK” of the puke physically making its way up their gullet, capped off by a delightful “YEHHHHHHHHHSHHHH” as a days worth of food and hair spill out all over your throw rug? Put that on vinyl and it would sell better than “No One Likes Us/ Fly Eagles Fly.” Anyway, get those dopes on a cutout. Just the sight of them would incite anyone into a rage-fueled lather.

I’ll put up $100 myself for a cutout of Jeffrey Lurie high-fiving his ex-wife right in the mush.

Photos of Mike Scott in a Redskins jersey pummeling the F-Lot Crew? Oh my yes, print out a couple thousand of those and let’s fill out most of the upper bowl of him walloping moronic fans who brought a coffin to a tailgate.

You can talk about analytics all you want, how smart management of the salary cap, good drafting and wise free agent investments are keys to success for a football franchise. Sure, if you want to be short-sighted about it I guess they are.

But the long game? To ensure long term success? You need to blow up a picture of that kid obnoxiously yelling at that poor Minnesota Vikings fan and plaster his cutout all over that stadium. That leads to Super Bowls.

Let’s get crazy, Philadelphia. Let’s show them who we are.