Remember that State Farm commercial with the guy who says he’s never getting married?
He gets married.
Then he and his wife say they’re never having a kid, but they have a kid. And they’re never moving to the suburbs, but of course they move to the suburbs. The dad gains 15 pounds and is now driving a minivan.
That’s me, without the minivan (yet). Swapping Fishtown for the great borough of Lansdale, here are 50 Hot Takes for the Philadelphia Sports Fan: Moving to the Suburbs Edition –
- People say the food in the suburbs “sucks,” but it’s more about the food in Philadelphia being elite. There are so many great restaurants in the city that of course everything else looks and tastes crappy by comparison.
- Legal sports betting makes fantasy football boring and obsolete.
- Facebook is better than Twitter. You’re still arguing with assholes, but at least those assholes are friends and family members.
- The problem with younger NBA fans is that they’re so obsessed with free agency, trades, and the associated drama, that the games don’t even matter. They don’t care about the basketball itself.
- Everything that Samuel Adams makes is excellent. Most big breweries struggle when they step outside their comfort zone and try to do craft/microbrew stuff, but I can’t remember ever disliking one of their offerings.
- Street Road is a dark horse candidate for worst driving experience in this region.
- Writers need to be less offended when coaches pull the “you never played the sport” routine. Yeah, it’s kind of a dick move, but there’s a lot of truth in an otherwise snide remark.
- Anybody who mentions Mike Lombardi’s name in regard to Doug Pederson in 2020 is eternally banned from Philadelphia sports Twitter. Winning the Super Bowl rendered Lombardi’s take forever null and void. There is no revisiting what he said.
- The Folesian Society is rocking the boat unnecessarily and needs to stand down.
- Ever notice how most local radio shows have one host who likes Carson Wentz and one who doesn’t? Makes you wonder..
- Chick-fil-A has crazy good service. You could pull up to a drive through with 20 cars backed up and they will have you through there in ten minutes or less. They are more efficient than the federal government.
- If you have a coffee maker AND a Keurig, and don’t know what to do with the Keurig, get the biodegradable tea and hot chocolate pods. That way you won’t feel like the Keurig is useless and just sitting there.
- Spend the money to buy a cordless vacuum. It will change your life.
- 50% of parenting is just stumbling over toys.
- The other 50% is sitting down for three seconds, and then immediately having to stand up again.
- Dad bod is no joke. It’s hard to get in decent workouts when you have a kid because the kid tires you out to the point where you don’t feel like exercising.
- Don’t get a treadmill because you’ll just kill your joints. Elliptical is better.
- People say that men aren’t very good with their hands these days, but it’s not necessarily because we’re soy boys. It’s true that we might not be great with a circular saw, but we’re doing more cooking and cleaning and child-raising because society views gender roles differently in 2020.
- A guest take, from Coggin: “John Carpenter’s ‘The Thing’ is the greatest horror movie of all time.”
- The Flyers and the Union are the same exact team. Great goalkeeping/goaltending, smothering defensive game (pre-Islanders series), and no real superstars on either squad. Blue collar grinders on both teams.
- TikTok is just Vine in a different time period.
- Lady Gaga is just Madonna in a different time period.
- Football is the sport most affected by empty stadiums. The lack of fans really sucks the life out of the game.
- MMA is the sport least affected by empty stadiums. You can hear and learn so much more with the natural sound of punches and kicks being thrown, plus instructions being shouted from the fighters’ corners.
- The fake crowd noise absolutely stinks. Please give us an option to turn it off.
- Bob Kelly’s tweet about tailgating and the homeless encampment was not out of line. All he was saying is that the city is enforcing laws for one group of people, but not the other. The tweet was about inconsistency in leadership.
- Rocket League is still the shit in 2020. Turn it on and tune out all of life’s assorted garbage for 30 minutes.
- eSports broadcasters need to find a better way to deliver the action. There’s so much happening that I get completely lost in five seconds. Migraine City USA.
- The worst take of the last month was Notre Dame fans telling me that Catholics are persecuted and oppressed. That hasn’t been the case in more than 75 years.
- COVID-19 limiting access to players and coaches is the great sports media equalizer. We’re learning who can be creative and generate interesting content and who lives off boring quotes.
- One of the big jokes during COVID was the City of Philadelphia combining the recycling with the trash, just to get it collected and off the street.
- Too much bitching about Mayor Kenney, not enough people out there doing things to help, like cleaning up in front of their house, joining a neighborhood group, or assisting local charity and non-profit groups. We love to talk shit about Philadelphia while doing nothing to improve it.
- Stay-at-home moms and daycare workers don’t get enough credit. When’s the last time you spent 40 hours a week with your kid? Or multiple kids?
- No professional or college sports team should be playing on artificial turf. Turf is for suburban high schools.
- Your life will improve drastically if you pick one day per week to stay off of social media entirely.
- More men should wear their hair longer and more women should wear their hair shorter.
- Insomniac is a better album than Dookie.
- Sadly, Fear Inoculum sucks. The songs are way too long and they don’t go anywhere.
- The NHL should go to international rink dimensions (width can go up 98.5 feet). More speed and skill, less mucking and grinding on the boards. (I know it’s a building issue and they’d have to remove seats and blah blah).
- Local sports radio hosts truly don’t give a shit about hockey. They just fake it when the Flyers are good.
- Nobody should consume black coffee. Might as well drink from a tar pit.
- Supermarket Sweep was a fantastic show and I’m glad it’s coming back. Start with the big chunks of ham and throw them in your cart first.
- Nobody over the age of 25 should be wearing a flat brim hat.
- Sweat shorts are more comfortable and classy than basketball shorts. Make the transition and become a cultured dad.
- Much ado about nothing with NFL coaches and face coverings. They’ve all been tested 10,000 times and wouldn’t be on the field if there was a COVID risk. The fines were ridiculous and unnecessary, just posturing from Troy Vincent and the league.
- People need to stop using the word “exposed” in sports. This coach got “exposed.” That player got “exposed.” You say this as if people are incapable of making adjustments and evolving their approach.
- The next Presidential debate needs a mute button.
- It’s never too late to try something new. One of the guitarists in Judas Priest didn’t start playing until he was 17.
- Spend more time building professional relationships. Your resume only takes you about 2.5 years into your career. From there, it’s about who you know and finding yourself in the right place at the right time.
- The final take comes from Twitter, courtesy of former ESPN host Max Bretos: “This is a real awful time for our country. Many on Twitter are confusing that with, this is an awful country. Big difference.”
Have a fantastic Friday.
We are never moving to the suburbs.