50 Hot Takes for the Philadelphia Sports Fan: Election Day Edition

We’ve made it to Election Day, and you know what that means –

No more political ads! Praise Jesus.

The commercials and random phone calls and text messages will be OVER by the end of the day, and if they aren’t, then somebody messed up in the production department. You gotta pull those ads once voting is done or else they become dated, like that one time a local radio station fired an anchor but forgot to yank a commercial with their voice on it. Talk about awkward.

Today I’m reminded of the great Chris Farley, who once said “You gotta fight, for your right, to vote!” Let’s all do our patriotic duty and go to the polls today and exercise the freedoms that they don’t have in other countries.

But first – ask not what your local sports blog can do for you, but ask what you can do for your local sports blog, by reading the latest edition of the 50 Hot Takes column:

  1. The “I voted” stickers are so corny.  You’re supposed to vote, so you shouldn’t get credit for it. It would be like me wearing a sticker that said “I picked up my daughter from daycare today.”
  2. We don’t need to meet the Jeopardy contestants.
  3. You should mow your own lawn. Don’t pay somebody else to do it.
  4. All political commercials should have to end with “I approve this message.” None of this, “I approve this message because blah blah blah.” Whatever you were gonna say there is already implied.
  5. Whenever a band plays a cover song live, the law should mandate that they must announce who originally wrote the music. There are too many people out there thinking Guns N Roses wrote Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door and Live and Let Die.
  6. The Babylon Bee is better than The Onion and it’s not even close.
  7. Men shouldn’t be watching The Bachelor or The Bachelorette.
  8. Mike Greenberg is so boring and so bland.
  9. Good Morning Football absolutely blows Get Up out of the water.
  10. ESPN should throw Kay Adams a blank check when her contract is up.
  11. New Jersey needs to stop with the Pork Roll vs. Taylor Ham argument. Nobody cares.
  12. Russ needs to stop with his Sheetz takes. Stop trying to make Sheetz a thing.
  13. Bob thinks sneakers are overrated and would rather wear a nice pair of boots. I agree.
  14. Skinny jeans are lame, but you should at least wear pants with a tapered leg to follow the contour of your body. It’s the best mix of comfort and look.
  15. Thanksgiving dinner is overrated.
  16. No pumpkin items pre-September. Total violation.
  17. No pumpkin items post-November. After pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving, that’s it for the season.
  18. From Coggin Toboggan: “Pumpkin pie sucks and is easily on the bottom list of great pies.”
  19. Idris Elba should be the next James Bond.
  20. Ranking the Bond girls, my 1a is Diana Rigg and 1b is Honor Blackman. (RIP)
  21. Everybody says Sean Connery (RIP) was the best James Bond, but there is no best Bond. Each actor who played the character brought something different to the role.
  22. Analytics in hockey and soccer will never be a thing, no matter how hard people try.
  23. Doug Pederson has totally lost his feel for the game.
  24. Ike Reese does a really good job on afternoon drive. I think he’s improved a lot over the years, and I don’t mean that as a backhanded compliment. Obviously the transition from playing football to talking about it is significant.
  25. Governor Wolf and Commissioner Farley should be banned from issuing “recommendations.” Nobody follows recommendations. You have to mandate what people can and cannot do, or else they’re just going to ignore you and do whatever they want.
  26. You can’t diet without exercise or exercise without improving your diet. Doing one without the other results in a lack of results, then people get frustrated and quit.
  27. We need to talk to people on the phone again. Too much texting and typing means we don’t communicate the same way we used to.
  28. The hiring of Daryl Morey is not a continuation of The Process. The Process is over.
  29. We might have to ban the name “Hinkie” in 2020. Please, let’s move on.
  30. From now on, the names “Carson Wentz” and “Nick Foles” can no longer be used in the same sentence.
  31. Carson needs fashion help. I’m no Karl Lagerfeld, but the hat/vest combination from the other night made him look like the 5th member of Mumford and Sons.
  32. That “Ho Hey” song by The Lumineers was fucking terrible.
  33. From Russ: “Allen Iverson is not a top-five Sixer” (I disagree)
  34. Another one from Coggin: “Parks and Rec is a far better show than The Office” (agree)
  35. One of the thing that sucks about getting older is that the kids don’t understand your Half Baked, Happy Gilmore, and Black Sheep references. (Kill whitey!)
  36. All Halloween candy should contain chocolate in some form. Nobody needs Twizzlers or Starburst.
  37. Best drive in the region? It’s a tie between 55 south (no traffic ever) and route 202 between Doylestown and North Wales.
  38. “Tom Sawyer” wouldn’t even crack my top 15 Rush songs.
  39. Guest take from Rob Riches: “The best part about football season is a Football Sunday when your team either played on Thursday, or has a bye week.” (I agree 100%).
  40. Guest take from Kyle Neubeck at Voice: “There is no reason to play fantasy sports in the era of legal sports gambling.” (good take)
  41. Guest take from Jonny Marks at 94 WIP: “Never trust someone who puts only mustard on a hot dog.” (agreed)
  42. Guest take from Twitter user M. Night Coburn: “Evil Genius is an overrated brewery and people only like them as much as they do because of the goofy names they give their beers.” (I disagree with this).
  43. Dr. Seuss’ best book is Ten Apples Up on Top. Green Eggs and Ham is overrated.
  44. Raffi’s best song is “Baby Beluga.”
  45. Every able-bodied man and woman should do yard work. It’s a good stress reliever and you get exercise, too.
  46. The best political skit is Dave Chappelle’s “Black Howard Dean.”
  47. None of these politicians care about you. They’re just in it for themselves.
  48. Political text messages from unknown numbers should result in a five-year prison sentence, minimum.
  49. The vast majority of Americans are good people, honest and down to Earth. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.
  50. I can’t wait until the election is over.

 

That’s it everybody.

So uh… I guess you should vote, because voting kicks ass! Power to the people! Burn baby burn!

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