50 Hot Takes for the Philadelphia Sports Fan: Mother’s Day Edition

It’s Mother’s Day weekend, which means some of us will spend time with our moms and others will just send a card and flowers instead. You cheap bastards!

But one thing is for sure; we know that mom is “the real MVP,” as Kevin Durant once famously said. Everybody knows a mom that busted their ass back in the day. They cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, and then in their free time schlepped us to baseball and football practice while just trying to maintain a modicum of sanity in the process.

In honor of the Delaware Valley’s moms, I present 50 Hot Takes for the Philadelphia Sports Fan: Mother’s Day Edition.

  1. We should all be excited for this Eagles season. There’s a sense of newness. We are introducing new coaches and players. And when you don’t have expectations, you cannot be disappointed.
  2. Nick Sirianni’s giddiness should consumed as a glass half full. That energy and enthusiasm seems infectious and will rub off on the team.
  3. It doesn’t matter if Sirianni can communicate with the media. Doug Pederson, Chip Kelly, and Andy Reid were hardly master orators.
  4. The dandelion is the worst plant on Earth.
  5. After COVID is over, reporters should be kept out of locker rooms permanently. Only podium and mixed zone press conferences from now on.
  6. Also after COVID, all companies should allow their employees to work on a schedule of three days in the office and two at home.
  7. Donald Trump ain’t in office anymore, so we can stop talking about him.
  8. Ed Snider’s passion for hockey, and the fact that he gave a shit about the product, is sorely missed.
  9. Asking about 12 personnel on a Philadelphia Eagles Zoom call is now punishable with a $250 fine and one press conference suspension.
  10. If you’re going to mow your lawn, you need to also trim within 24 hours. Otherwise it just looks sloppy and inconsistent. You can’t mow the lawn and bust out the weedeater separately; they must be done together.
  11. Get on the battery powered bandwagon. You’ll never have to mix gas or change a spark plug ever again.
  12. Best shrub? Gotta go with the Japanese Meadowsweet.
  13. Partisans who say there is no “political middle” are living in la-la land. The vast majority of America exists somewhere in centrist-ville.
  14. The NBA regular season is actually just an extended preseason.
  15. Wheel of Fortune should be cancelled and replaced by a one-hour Jeopardy.
  16. The worst take of the last 10 years came after Aaron Rodgers started dating Shailene Woodley. Some blue checkmark on Twitter claimed that he only dates “sevens,” which is an incredible insult to Olivia Munn. She’s at least a 27 out of 10.
  17. We do a really shitty job of respecting our elders in this country. We gotta be more like Japan.
  18. Putting the politics aside, and focusing only on the satire, The Babylon Bee has eclipsed The Onion. The latter has slipped a bit in recent years.
  19. The Big 12 plays the worst football on the planet.
  20. Boxing is dead. MMA is king.
  21. NFTs are the dumbest fucking thing of all time.
  22. The worst part of having kids isn’t about losing sleep or changing your lifestyle or anything like that. It’s about the constant need for supervision and the fact that you can’t take your eyes off them for two seconds.
  23. TikTok is just Vine in a different time period.
  24. Dua Lipa is the best pop star to debut in the last 10 years. This woman is bursting at the seams with talent.
  25. COVID sucked, but you gotta be impressed with the creativity shown by a lot of artists and musicians in putting together these live streams and finding other platforms on which to perform. It really was an exercise in human ingenuity.
  26. Every Apple event is dumb. It’s just Tim Cook telling you how they’ve increased their processor speed from 3.14 to 3.15. And then all of the Apple fans go “oh man that’s awesome, they did it again!” Then they spend $700 on the new Iphone.
  27. Ocean City should add windmills in the water.
  28. The flat bottom taco can’t be trusted. It’s great for stuffing, but it breaks apart when you eat it, which defeats the purpose.
  29. Don’t believe anything anybody tweets about “the patriarchy” and gender roles in the household. Men change diapers and cook dinner and wash clothes and do it all these days. There’s a been a very concerted recent effort to split domestic responsibilities equally.
  30. If you wanna lose weight, you don’t have to cut a single thing out of your diet. It’s more about portion control and matching it with the required amount of exercise.
  31. Every municipality should have a place with combination batting cages/driving range/miniature golf.
  32. The best “Real Housewives” series is New Jersey.
  33. You can’t do a Mount Rushmore of desserts without including the Dairy Queen blizzard.
  34. Every Delaware Valley resident should be required to leave the city and live somewhere else for at least one year.
  35. RE: union labor, sometimes people prefer individual bargaining to collective bargaining.
  36. Not even that much of a take, but the NFL Network Draft coverage was 10,000 times better than the ESPN Draft coverage.
  37. In a world where Coke Zero exists, there’s no reason to drink Diet Coke.
  38. Grotto Pizza should expand into PA and New Jersey.
  39. If the Sixers don’t go to six or seven games in the Eastern Conference finals, the season is a failure.
  40. Doc Rivers hasn’t even done much on-court coaching this year. The biggest improvement he’s made is simplifying things and pulling more out of his individual stars.
  41. Not a fan of Doc blowing off the Ben Simmons jump shot questions. There’s nothing wrong with asking about a superstar player adding to his game the only element that is missing.
  42. Joel Embiid is having the best individual season we’ve seen in Philadelphia in at least 10 years.
  43. I feel as though there is not much juice for the Sixers, even though they’re gonna be the #1 seed. What gives?
  44. Joe Judge is a total embarrassment to the great town of Lansdale.
  45. Knocked Up is a totally underrated movie. The doorman scene would go on my Mount Rushmore of comedy scenes dating back to 2000.
  46. Idris Elba should be the next James Bond.
  47. You will never feel more useless than being a husband and trying to help a pregnant wife through the first trimester.
  48. If you’re planning on having kids, get as much out of your system as you possibly can. Go travel, hike, bike, etc. right now, because your “mobility” will be extremely limited in the following years.
  49. There should be no Republicans or Democrats. From now on, politicians can only be independents, with a maximum of two, five-year terms.
  50. Credit to all of the stay at home moms and daycare and childcare workers. They’ve got the hardest job in the world.

Have a fantastic weekend.

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