Dave Caldwell used to write for The Philadelphia Inquirer back in the day, from 1986 to 1995. Later bylines include The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and The Dallas Morning News, so he’s not some scrub; he’s a veteran journalist who now freelances for The Guardian and other outlets.

He did a guest contribution for the Inky this week, and unfortunately this column is being absolutely shredded on social media. It’s being panned like nothing has been panned before. Republicans and Democrats have crossed the aisle to condemn the story, titled It’s Time to Rename the Phillies | Opinion.

The Inquirer probably lost 97% of people at the headline, because if you know anything about Philadelphia, you don’t change anything that isn’t broken. This is one of the most provincial and parochial regions in the country. We like familiarity and don’t exactly jump at the thought of new ideas, especially if that includes renaming the local baseball team.

We did, however, actually read the column, and Caldwell’s argument seems to be that the name is dumb:

Last week, Cleveland’s baseball team announced a name change, ending months of discussions sparked by a national reckoning that urged institutions to drop racist logos and names.

Speaking of pro sports team nicknames that don’t work, Philadelphia’s baseball club could do much better than “Phillies.” The name is not so objectionable as it is lame, and Philadelphia is definitely not lame. It never has been.

…

The Phillies don’t need to change anything, unlike Cleveland. But the rebranding in Cleveland shows solid alternatives can be found right around the corner. That is literally true in Cleveland: “Guardians of Traffic” refers to giant Art Deco statues on a bridge near the ballpark.

Caldwell thinks the ‘Phillies’ name is lame, but I don’t know if that’s the right word. It’s certainly plain, but it’s not like there are legions of folks out there asking for a rebrand.

The team was originally known as the Quakers, then became the Philadelphians, and it began to be shortened to ‘Phillies’ in the late 1880s. It stuck, and the name has existed ever since. It doesn’t mean anything at all, it’s just a truncated version of ‘Philadelphians,’ and it’s now more than 125 years old. It’s redundant, but traditional, people seem to like it, and it works, which means, in this area, you leave it alone and don’t touch it.

More Caldwell:

Doing away with “Phillies” would also mean the end of the team’s sad logo, with the prissy script and those star-dotted i’s — and the 250-year-old Liberty Bell in the background. Philadelphia’s team needs a stronger emblem than a cracked bell, for one thing.

Well, the “cracked bell” symbolizes freedom and independence, and the founding of this country. I don’t think you’re gonna find a better emblem than that. Maybe that imagery is overused these days, but the Sixers tried to get creative and do a Boathouse Row jersey, which people didn’t seem to like. Sometimes less is more, especially in the Delaware Valley.

Caldwell:

Consider the Jawn. “Jawn,” or, roughly “thing,” is distinctly Philadelphian: contemporary, interchangeable, all-inclusive, descriptive, an inside joke. Most important, it cops an attitude.

I don’t like singular names for teams, but Philly and Jawn can be used for everything here, and by everybody here. They belong to Philadelphia, as the teams in town have for generations.

Is this satire? No? I don’t think the “Jawn” is going to catch on with the 40+ crowd.

Caldwell:

Changes are inevitable.

The Washington Football Team ruled out all imagery with Native American connotations last month, and the Kansas City Chiefs dumped their mascot, “Warpaint,” a horse.

But changes don’t have to be sparked by controversy. Some changes can be fun, because sports are supposed to be fun. Remember?

Yeah well, listen, you have to have a more compelling argument than “the name is old and lame and it’s time for a refresh.” That might work if you’re an MLS team, where brand updates and new jersey roll outs seem to take place every 5-6 years. Baseball is about tradition more than anything, and people take a lot of pride in the fact that “Phillies” is one of the longest continuous nicknames in use in all of professional sports. Try convincing the dude who hates the DH and seven-inning double headers that his baseball team needs a new name. Try telling a New York fan that it’s time to change the “Yankees” or telling a stuffy Boston crowd that “Red Sox” is passe.