Hello, my name is Coggin, and I am a Phillies bandwagon fan. It has been less than two days since I got angry about the Phillies.
It’s ok to admit it. Yes, I am on the bandwagon. I’ve probably been a Phillies frontrunner for the last few seasons, though I guess I never wanted to deal with it head on.
But now I’m here to tell you that it’s ok, it’s ok to not want to waste your time watching a team that’s going absolutely nowhere. It’s ok to not care as much about a team that obviously doesn’t care about its fanbase or the city as much as you do. 162 games is a lot of effort. It’s an investment. And when you know in your heart of hearts that the team isn’t going to give you a return on your investment, why bother getting worked up?
It’s the beauty of frontrunning. You don’t have to cut them out of your life, you can keep one eye on them and another on sometime more worthwhile, like arguing with internet commenters or reading anything I write on this website. It’s all going to give you the same amount of enjoyment.
What’s that you’re saying? I can sense your negative energy, a low rumbling off in the distance like a heightened sense of electricity minutes before a thunderstorm. I’m not a real “four for four” guy? Guess what….I DON’T GIVE A SHIT. I’ll jump back on this bandwagon when they get good again and I’ll jump right off before they careen over a cliff like they always do. I’m too tired to waste the time I have left on an inferior product.
It’s freeing. It really is, and I highly suggest if you’re teetering on the fence to come over to the dark side. Join me, won’t you, and enjoy the rest of your life with the best of both worlds.
But you can’t just become a frontrunner. You need to truly accept your frontrunning fandom. You need to be aware of your metamorphosis and go through the five stages of frontrunnership before you can truly thrust off the shackles that have weighed you down since 2012. Everyone experiences these stages differently; some people don’t go through every single one, as it’s all a very personal thing. Everyone comes to their bandwagon fandom status at their own pace and there is no right or wrong way to do it, just that you fully admit it’s who you are in the end.
Here are the five stages of being a bandwagon fan (any resemblance to another more famous set of fives stages is completely coincidental).
“I mean, they’re not that bad! They have a lot of pieces to work around, Bryce Harper is a superstar, J.T. Realmuto is the best catcher in baseball, Zack Wheeler is a potential Cy Young candidate….sure this team has blatant deficiencies and gigantic holes that a competent organization would fill, but they’ll be fine. Sure they’ve collapsed every single August from playoff contention with the exact same team makeup, but I think this is the year they bust out, I really do! Joe Girardi has a ring, these guys know how to win, they’re going to put it all together.”
“God DAMNIT. Fuck this fucking team, I can’t believe they sucked me into this shit AGAIN. Every single year I fall for the exact same thing. They can’t pitch for SHIT. Their bullpen sucks. WHY DID I THINK THIS WOULD BE ANY DIFFERENT? WHY DID I THINK ODUBEL HERRERA WOULD BE WORTH A SHIT THIS SEASON? WHY MUST THEY DO THE SAME THING EVERY SINGLE YEAR? FUCKKKKKKKKKKK MEEEEEEE.”
“Andrew McCutchen has a lot of value left. Do you think we could flip him for a young piece? The Angels are always out of contention, do you think they’d trade Ohtani for McCutchen and Mickey Moniak? Moniak was a #1 overall pick! He still holds a lot of value… I’ll do anything for them to be better I swear it.”
“I cannot believe they haven’t made the playoffs since 2011. We’re a major market… how is this possible? Gabe Kapler leaves and he become one of the best managers in baseball. I can’t take this.. this is worse than being a Mets fan. I’m going to go watch an Eagles preseason game.”
“Why am I doing this to myself? This organization sucks. I’ll check back in when they can stay above .500 for more than two weeks. C’est la vie.”
Hopefully this handy guide will help you navigate your way through the trials and travails of becoming a bandwagon fan. Don’t fight it.
Welcome, my Phillies frontrunner brethren, to the first day of the rest of your life.