I Can’t Believe People are Forcing Me to Defend Patrick Mahomes’ Fiancé

Screengrab from Twitter video

I’m going to say something that might be a little controversial. I think we’re being too hard on Brittany Matthews:

Is she annoying? Yes. I’d like to introduce Exhibit A to the court:

But if this is Josh Allen’s girlfriend or Travis Kelce’s girlfriend it gets 1/10th of the pub and the champagne spewing is probably celebrated as a cool moment with fans. Now, did Jackson Mahomes and Brittany bring this on themselves after years of complaining about referees, the NFL, and TikToks? Absolutely. Jackson Mahomes is dancing on people’s graves, for God’s sake. But we have people actually thinking she should be arrested because the champagne could’ve sprayed on children or a recovering alcoholic:

If you showed up to an AA meeting and told the group you relapsed because a drop of Andre got in your mouth on Sunday night, you’d get your ass kicked. It would be the real life version of Thurgood going to rehab in Half Baked (RIP Bob Saget). You just witnessed the greatest playoff game of all time. There’s a greater chance you relapse off of the adrenaline. Did we forget that all Chief superfans are alcoholics anyway? Cocaine addicts too. But not meth addicts, you gotta draw a line somewhere:

If the Eagles are ever in this position again, Jason Kelce’s wife can pour champagne on me and any toddler she wants. But if we’re going to arrest Patrick Mahomes’ soon-to-be wife, we better arrest all these people, too:

The 2008 Phillies

Give back the trophy. Some things are bigger than sports and Chad Durbin, Shane Victorino, and Geoff Jenkins are setting a bad example for the future of society:


Norm Powell

10 years no parole. Extradite his ass back to Canada:

Dan Hamilton-USA TODAY Sports

Steph Curry & Klay Thompson

The Warriors went through $1 million of champagne. At least one drop had to hit a 10 year old skipping school. If we don’t make an example out of them who will? Jail.

Cary Edmondson-USA TODAY Sports

Team USA

Hear me out: The entire US Ryder Cup team deserves the chair after this performance. Act like you’ve been there before:



The US Women’s team shouldn’t be allowed to attend the World Cup until 2040 at least:

Fair is fair. If we don’t correct Brittany Matthews’ behavior, she’s going to celebrate going to the Super Bowl by blowing vape smoke into the face of an old lady suffering from emphysema.

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