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Go Birds, baby.

Good for Conqueeftador, who is wearing an Eagles hat. He probably created his gamertag at 14 and it’s the only thing he’s ever held on to for this long. It’s been around before his marriage, his kid, outlasted the family dog, through college, the Afghanistan war, and four presidents. He’s probably tried to change it, but lets be honest, changing your gamertag blows. Between trying to remember my password, XBox charging you money, and linking my credit card, email address, and anything else to the new account you’re reminded why there are 30-year-old dudes named “Conqueeftador” in your lobby. Not to mention all the brain power and sleepless nights that went into the name just so his boys got a quick laugh in the lobby waiting for Zombies to load back in 2012.  I’ll tell you what; I’d take the Conqueeftador on my squad any day. That belly laugh after she read the name lets me know he’s a good teammate. Plus he’s probably going through it like everyone else playing Caldera at the moment. The bugs suck and the constant lagging makes the game unplayable, but he tried Apex Legends or Valorant and he’s not going back to Fortnite so he’s stuck like we all are until Billy Gates gets Activision’s head out of their ass.

The more important question though is where do we think the Conqueeftador tailgates? He’s married, has a house, and a job so I feel like Jetro is out of the question. Unless you’re from the Northeast, married guys with houses and jobs just don’t seem to fit the Jetro vibes (trust me I’ve done the research). What about K Lot? Now that might be a little too fancy for the Conqueeftador. The Conqueeftador would scoff at a roof. He relishes tailgating in every element. We need a good middle ground and that’s where D Lot comes in.

D Lot is my official prediction. I think The Conqueeftador is in the RV Lot. That lot is sneaky rowdy and combines the good from Jetro and K in one section on the I-95 side. In that lot you find dudes like the one 59 seconds into this video trying to behead a Tony Romo dummy with a shovel at 10am. He paid $80 for a spot he’s not going in until he performs a lobotomy on Tony Romo’s frontal lobe. Then you find some of the most beautiful tailgate setups with some beautiful RVs. The Conqueeftador gets to decide if he wants to black out and destroy his father-in-law’s RV toilet or remember the game. D Lot is the equivalent to devil on one shoulder and the angel on another. Remember, I’ve done a lot of research on this:

All I know is if this guy doesn’t get a #69 Conqueeftador jersey next Christmas he should grant that divorce.

Kinkead: My old Playstation gamertag was “Kill_Wighty.” It was a play on words, like an homage to Chris Farley in Black Sheep but then a zombie joke at the same time. A “wight” is like a zombie with blue eyes from Game of Thrones. Somebody apparently didn’t get the joke, though, because I was reported and had to change my name.