If you haven’t seen this video yet, good for you. Not living your entire life on the Internet must be nice. Here it is:

There was even a different angle:

Take a bow! What a great video! What great characters! Let’s break down each one:

Mets Scumbag

This guy is an absolute slime ball. That’s the face of a dude who knew he bit off more than he could chew. It doesn’t even matter he’s a Mets fan. He could be a Rockies fan and I’d say the same thing I’m about to say. This dude SUCKS. No one deserves their phone in the outfield grass more than this guy. This was actually one of the best scenarios that could’ve happened to the Mets Scumbag. You stick a phone in a lot of people’s faces while talking shit and it’s going to start a lot of brawls. That guy’s lucky he didn’t get 12 megapixels of a knuckle sandwich. If you’re a Mets fan and take this guy’s side, I’m not surprised you’d root for someone who allegedly didn’t ask for consent.

The Launcher

I honestly see nothing wrong with how The Launcher reacted. The Mets fan wanted a reaction and he got a reaction. Now, do I think he’s an absolute loose cannon? Absolutely. I promise you, you’ll think twice about hanging with the guy who didn’t think twice about chucking that phone. There’s no shot this is the guy who is allowed to make decisions in the friend group, because 90% of the time you’re ending up in jail. The last time he was allowed to make a decision everyone ended up drinking a keg in the woods and got underages. Good breakaway speed though. Probably could get out of the box quickly if the Phillies need a utility guy to lay down a sac bunt.

Broken Hand Swamp Monster

I think this might be the biggest villain in the entire video. Buddy, hear no evil, see no evil. What the hell are you doing inserting yourself into this situation? This is the same guy who tries to break up fights on the subway. There’s one rule on the Broad Street Line and it’s head down, eyes forward until you get to your stop. This guy stepped in with an already broken arm. What the hell is he like when he has two opposable thumbs? What’re you, some kind of hero making a citizen’s arrest?

Phillies Security Guard Lady

This was a 1 vs. 16 matchup from the start. This poor old bird had no shot. All she wanted was some easy summer work and she’s already dealing with this shit. You know the Phillies stuck her in the 100 level because these type of things are reserved for the 400s. Delores just wanted to check tickets all season, scold some people, hope she didn’t get tennis elbow and ruin her Mahjong game every Monday. You have no business entering the lion’s den. Just call in backup and let fate play out as god intended.

Bye Bye Mom

I feel like the damn kid in the red didn’t let us fully embrace the chaos Bye Bye Mom could’ve brought to the video. She started waving her hand like those wacky inflatable arm things at a car dealership in the beginning. Once she finally got ahold of her appendages to wave Mets Scumbag away, the kid was already two steps up high tailing it out of there and we didn’t get her full potential. I didn’t even notice she’s carrying another kid in her left arm until the 100th time I watched. Is The Launcher a father of two?

The Launcher’s Friend

The unsung hero of the video. This is a guy you want in your foxhole. He gave the entire thing an ocular pat down and assessed the situation almost immediately. The calm down/hold back guy is sometimes the most important guy in the crew. Without this guy it’s a long night talking to security and probably getting a destruction of property charge. Just too much paperwork and hassle to deal with on a Monday til’ 1a.m.

Dumb and Dumber

These two are the complete opposite of The Launcher’s Friend. Their buddy just had his phone thrown onto the field, Phillies fans are circling him like he’s a dead carcass, and the first thing you do is pull out your phone? If you want to record it for court records fine. But the other guy needs to at least act like he wants some smoke. If I’m Mets Scumbag these two are out of crew by the time we get in the car.

BONUS: Honorable Mention Characters

There’s more to the original video and it doesn’t disappoint. The aftermath of the situation:

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Face Paint Guy

This dude is fucking everywhere. He appears like he’s Batman and someone’s in danger, but instead it’s a random Tuesday game against the Mets. You can’t watch an Eagles game without the cameras finding him.

Dickhead Guy

Just an absolute perfectly executed “Dickhead” from The Philly Captain. Without him we don’t even get this video. Shoutout to the Captain and check out his YouTube Channel: